=27= Unclassified: Questioning

Oh i am so depressed by the fact that in our generation, caring for someone is being questioned.

Just today, i noticed that my friend was unhappy, or in singlish, sian. So i just asked him why is he so sian. He evaded the question entirely not answering and even replying me with a question. He asked, ‘why do i need to be cheerful everyday to entertain you?’

While it is true that he doesn’t mean it, it is also true that he isn’t as cheerful as before. So why should he question my concern?

Then, i have a close friend who went to the hospital yesterday. I do not know the context so i asked what happened to her. She said it was nothing and stop giving me details. Come on! When someone cares for you, give him some background! (well, at the end she did, but only after asking three times)

It is just so sad that we can’t care for people without being questioned. You care for people, they think you expect them to be cheerful 24/7 and question you why did you ask the question.

Why is it so hard to care for someone these days? I think there are several reasons.

One, fear of questioned. Ironically, the fear of asking a question is resulted in a fear of being questioned. Yet, even i am guilty of it… Many times, i wanted to care for someone but i didn’t because i did not want people to misunderstand. Like, for example, caring for a girl might give people the impression that you like the girl. Or, asking questions might give the person an impression that you are a busybody.

Maybe the second reason is that we weren’t brought up so. So many times, i look to other country’s culture with envy. For they aren’t as conservative as us. I watched dramas where people give hugs to their close friends not just fist bumps and high fives. I watched how i met your mother and see that they did not have boundaries! Oh how i wish that i have that. I always say that my class has no boundaries. However you will see me say it with a smile, for the class is so bonded.

One of the most wanted super powers on earth is mind reading. For most of the time we do not understand the basis of a person’s actions. We see someone do something and we think of the possible ‘meanings’. We made new friends, we wonder did the cheerful initiative greeting get looked upon as if you are fake. So with this super power, there is no longer the need to wonder! Yay! Yet i wonder would you be happy?

People may at certain points in time hate their loved ones. Okay maybe hate is too strong a word. My point is simply this, even with people whom you love, there are things about them that you hate. I always disliked how my best friend would push me away when we are talking in a group. Yet, i still love him. So just imagine that in point in time you angered your friend. Your friend will think thoughts that are really harsh. If you hear them, will you be happy?

Quite truthfully i am thankful i don’t have that power and that others don’t as well(or do they? Hahaha!). Imagine a world where everyone can mind read. Every thing will be boring. There will no longer be books for everyone could just ‘read’ the author’s mind to find things out. By reading people’s mind, people can find out if they are good looking or not. This will resulted in the good looking to be arrogant and the ordinary to be hard on themselves. How will you make friends then? You can immediately know what they see in you – you are attractive/you are not – and judge. Its not that pure thoughts will die out, but people will mix pure and impure thoughts together. There will be no talking, no education, everything new will be old in the matter of seconds.

Oh well, maybe i am just overtaking things. Its fine, its over. Now its just for me to wait and recover.

-Kelvin-

On the side note, my friends are really nice people, its just me ranting about the world. Don’t see them in bad light. πŸ™‚

=26= Worship on/off Stage:

Wow, this week’s worship was so amazing! πŸ™‚ am i glad i did not swap with Josh this week!

These were the songs:
1. Happy Day by Tim Hughes
2. Tell The World by Hillsongs
3. Stronger by Hillsongs
4. I Will Rise by Hillsongs

Well, this week’s set was an acoustic set and it was my third one so far! I usually like acoustic sets for i can really connect myself to the instrument!

I mean, when you are behind a drum set, you will use sticks and pedals to connect to your instrument, but when you are in front of a cajon, you are using your hands to do so! Hence, it allows you to fully express yourself for worship.

I was really happy for Happy Day for I have been practicing that song for my own practice these few weeks! To be able to play it is a joy!
Then for Tell The World, i really like it for I played it for the last acoustic set!
Stronger was the huge challenge. For I remembered this song during probation. It was 3/4 and for me, 3/4 is really tough… Getting the snare at the right place was a challenge.
I Will Rise is quite tough too, considering that it is a new song, but after learning to it, it was stick in my head for some time! πŸ™‚

On Saturday, to be frank, i did not feel good. I felt that i lost the groove on Happy Day’s bridge and that i lost the accent at Stronger. I think what that really got me down was my awkward ‘da dum tsss’ when pastor had an awkward silence. 😦

But overall, it was a good set. I managed to play it quite well. The fills in between the verses for Happy Day was good! And for Stronger the dynamics were pretty nice! As for I Will Rise, this is such an apt song for the congregation! Everyone was going for it! Amazing! Then for Altar Call, i managed to follow my worship leader! My splash for the set sounds really good! So much so that i actually contemplated bringing my own stand to furama!

Well, this acoustic set is different for I had to bring the canon home and bring it to furama! It was a huge burden! But apart from that i really want my own cajon!

Then today, praise songs were good! And for Stronger was kept in time! Then for the last song, wow! I just went all out playing it and God’s presence was so strong!

Let me stop here for a while. I remembered the last J333 i attended last week, God showed me that revival is coming! And it is starting with prayer. For I saw that many G1 youths are coming to pray in J333! I know that many leaders in R-AGE are worried for G1. And have been praying. This particular service, i saw revival. During the altar call, people flooded the altar! Members, leaders, shepherds all were at the altar to respond to the call for living a life for Jesus!

I believe i should be happy and privileged to serve for such a service. To have brought worship there! Yet, i am not.

This has been haunting me for months now. Why is it that though i gained such a amazing way to express my worship, i lost a way to pray for people? It always makes me depressed when i am on stage and not there with my cell. That is why i always try to sit with my cell group every time i serve in furama. I want to pray for my cell kids but i am on stage not being able to pray for my kids and my leaders and my peers. I know praying for them during an altar call and praying during my QT is the same, but have times when i stand in front begging God to sent someone to pray for me and no one comes. Most of the time the people just feel unqualified to pray for him/her. But seriously, i really appreciate people who aren’t spiritually mature but still wants to pray for me. It shows that he/she values me. Being unqualified is just a lie. If you, a child of God is unqualified who is? And it always affected me when i see people who aren’t leaders (yet), who obviously want to pray for their friends or leaders but don’t dare to. If you want to pray for your friends or leaders, PRAY! It is not difficult! By gaining the privilege of worshiping God on stage i lost the privilege of praying for my kids in person. How i wish i could. Thus, this time round, i did not let my sec 4s off, i asked them to pray for the cell! If they don’t pray who will?

I vented it out on my beloved mentor. Sincerely everything is too fast. Way too fast. 😦

Well, debrief was good! Haha, my original worship leader said that i improved a lot! πŸ˜€ (Nell, it means A LOT coming from you!) and another worship leader also said that she liked my playing! (Thanks Ga! )

Oh well, revival is coming! Are you ready R-AGE?

-Kelvin-

=25= Unclassified: Amplified

Haha, i would like to explain a few things. First, i realised that my Unclassified posts are more like the standard blog post! That it is where i really rant about things that annoys me! Looks like my Mel thoughts are more emotion directed! Second, I have a few password protected posts. When i see that happen in other people’s blogs, i feel really frustrated. I want to see into people’s lives, but i also know this, there are MANY things that i am not entitled to know. There are things in people’s lives that shouldn’t be exposed on the internet. This is my explanation to all these posts. I have things that are VERY personal, but i want to write about it to feel better. :/ But i have let a few close friends in on the passwords! So if you are my close friend or my close mentors and you want to read into my life, just contact me, i will give you a bit more context. So ya! πŸ™‚

Today was a lonely day. Again. Well, but today was amplified. Well, i had a couple of classes today, i guess why am i sad is because we changed class location and we aren’t in our original sitting arrangement anymore. I am no longer together with my good friends. I am not saying that my new seat is not good, i had fun, i am just depressed that i am losing my friends.

Then today during science class, i was the only person in class without a person on my left. 😦 I am simply there working on my own. But, it was due to my own selfishness. I did not want to sit beside someone that is why i moved. Though i was able to complete my work really fast, but hey even a Mel guy wants to be with someone. A lot of me goes to my relationships around me. I consistently write about my relationships with my mentors, my best friend, my friends etc etc.

Oh well, i think everyone is scared of the unknown(a bit Melancholic Reflections now). People are not scared of ghost because they are scary, but because they are unknown and no one knows what will they do. Just look at how many theories are there for what a ghost will do.
They are expected to do these:
– Posses someone
– Act as though they are still alive
– Haunt the killer
– Haunt the place where they died
– Harm the living

They aren’t scared of the ghost because they will do all these things – If they are, they would simply avoid all the places – they are scared because they can’t predict what the ghost is going to do. This uncertainty plays a huge part in many ghost and horror films. How many times were there this scene? The main character opens a closet and when they close it they see blood. they open it again there is nothing inside, but when he/she closes it, the ghost appears in front of her! Now many in the cinema gets scared! Why? For the main character, this is probably the first time seeing a ghost. The ghost character has no depth, there is no back story to the ghost (yet). However, at that point, though the main character doesn’t know the ghost, doesn’t know what he wants or what the ghost can do – can the ghost touch physical bodies? can the ghost talk? – But the unpredictability of the ghost makes it scary.

I have a thought. This encounter is like the first encounter with animals. I don’t know about you, but i used to have this really bad impression of dogs(for in dramas you always see the dog biting someone) and having my sister and mother being scared of dogs doesn’t help. I am wasn’t that scared of dogs at first, but under the impression from my mum, i began to be scared of dogs for two reasons, one, because they are animals and i know nothing about them, they are unpredictable. And two, because i thought all dogs will bite me. Haha, but after a few visits to people’s houses, being educated and experiencing having them in the house, i grew to like dogs a lot! πŸ™‚

Even animals that are trained seems scary to the person who doesn’t know anything about them. You can see that ghosts are scary because it happens mostly at night(i wonder why?), when it is dark and can’t see well and that having a being who is unpredictable is scary. The darkness amplifies the ‘scariness’.

I guess the future is scary because it is quite unpredictable. Yet, i gave up on certain things so that i can trust God more, I shall have faith to believe that God is with me and is guiding me well. New close friends in an old class, Haha, new journey where i need you to be with me!

Sorry for the weird ranting and then some weird thoughts on ghosts! πŸ˜› Hope it has blessed you? Haha!

-Kelvin-

=24= Melancholic Reflections: Intuitive Logic

Haha, I had this very nice chat with my best friend last friday. Of which i am very thankful for. Its been TOO long. One thing that we talked always pricked me, haha, not in spiritual sense, but it an annoying sense. πŸ˜›

It was to follow your heart or follow your mind. What does that even mean? Many, and i mean many, dramas and movies has this theme. The Β recent movie ‘That Girl In Pinafore’ has that phrase in the synopsis. Most often used Β in the theme of romance, the phrase, ‘To follow your heart or mind’, in my opinion is a badly shaped phrase with wrong usage.

My argument is simply this, your heart could not think, how could it be something to follow? My belief is this, that in our brains, there is two types of thinking. Intuitively and Logically. This i find best explained in the drama, Dragon Zakura. Haha(i can’t believe i am using an example from a drama. Fast forward to 30:00, then watch until 31:20.

Well, I believe that ‘heart’ in this sense means the instinct or intuition to do what you want to do and ‘mind’ is the rationalisation and logical thinking of the situation. For example, going into a relationship or having a crush on someone, you naturally want to draw near to her, to buy stuff, to talk to her to listen to her, do whatever you want to make her happy. Yet, you read Joshua Harris’ ‘I kissed dating goodbye’ and know that a relationship without direction is unhealthy. You know that dating at your age is superficial and you should wait for the right time. This part of your thinking is your logical side!

I can almost imagine the response. People who doesn’t think it through and people who lack courage will think that the logical side is a wall for love. People who values wisdom sees the intuitive side as a childish. First of all, i sincerely see nothing wrong with being childish. I think people will act childishly with their significant other! Yet i see being childish as a demerit sometimes for i know i want to let my significant other feel safe, being childish doesn’t help AT ALL. However, I don’t see the logical thinking as a wall to stop you. Sure, it will try and convince you it will not work out. ‘She is out of your league’ ‘She is closer to that guy’. But, don’t you think it is the very thing that helps you to treasure her more? If you don’t think it through, you wouldn’t see all flaws in your relationship, yet if you don’t think it through, you wouldn’t see the beauty of your relationship. This is probably the side that scares guys, but this is also the side that shows you what you need in a relationship.

I have met guys who aren’t christian, but they are extremely serious when it comes to relationships. Which led me to confirm that the title ‘christian’ isn’t sacred. I have seen christians that gets into a relationship really fast. Why aren’t more people thinking logically?

Though, i am certain if one is left by himself/herself to think, they will often choose to follow their intuitive thinking. To follow their ‘heart’. For i am a someone who did it before, i know how asking stupid questions like ‘Is she the one for me?’ ‘Should i act?’ ‘Is that a sign?’ seldom works. First of all, your mind is boggled by your crush, you wouldn’t think logically. Then, God never did promise me a wife. Yes, God never did. Now i am thinking about that and i wonder what will i do without a signifant other in my life. Third, the sign thing, ‘show me a sign! if it is your will, show me a sign!’, you will be blind to the right signs(as shown in Bruce Almighty) and over spiritualise the wrong ‘signs’. OH a leaf falls in a second, it is your will! oh please….

Now, i think you would totally disregard your intuitive side, please don’t. I thought about it, if everyone only has the logical side, the world will be a horrible place. People will base their relationships on compatibility, to judge people logically without love and trust. I don’t want to live in such a world.

Without the intuitive thinking, i wouldn’t be a christian. I would rather be someone who enjoys himself totally oblivious of how it will kill me. Like i said before, i am a HUGE skeptic. I still am. If i was without my heart, i would not have stayed in church. Then i guess, my argument was wrong, maybe my heart does play a part. I have seen people who is intellectual and yet still believes in their religion. Is it logical? No, the heart played a part for them. The Bible said that the heart is deceptive. Yet, without the heart, people like Philp Yancey wouldn’t have stayed christian. They had an encounter with God, and with faith they believed. I guess without the instinctive side, people with spiritual encounters would make logical assumptions saying that it is just some biological problem in the body. Of Course its correct, its logical!

Haha, sorry for the sarcasm throughout this post, I simply think that it is the way i liked to phrase it. Hoped you have been blessed! πŸ™‚

-Kelvin-

=23= Unclassified: Lonely

Isn’t it ironic that to complain about my loneliness i need to be in solitude?

Its strange that as someone who feels left out i would walk away to a quiet spot to just stop and pray. I wonder why am i built this way?

It is always weird. I like to listen. Yet in a group i want to talk. Yet beside someone i want to talk!

I know it isn’t beneficial to talk more. In fact, i often see how insincere an apology could get if you say more. “i am sorry. BUT, i was just doing what i was told”

I love friends. You have no idea how much i love hanging out with them. Yet no matter how hard i love them i will feel left out. And i know it isn’t their fault, i am just someone who is insecure.

No matter how much i love them, in my head i will make excuses to not ask them out. ‘no they won’t have time!’ ‘do u think everyone is as free as you?’

I will regret this. I will regret not asking them out. I will regret not putting in the initiative. I will, yet i am still there being an idiot.

Alone time is precious. This is something i heard from a dear friend. I treasure alone time. I do. Yet, i want friends around me as well. I rather my alone time gets cut short.

I guess the problem of self worth isn’t easily solved. I would love solitude with God. I need it. In fact, God is who i complain to, rant to, cry to, question to when i feel lonely. Too bad not everyone is free when u are free and not everyone is busy when you are busy.

Struggling with self worth. Struggling with my life. I just want people to love and care for me. To support me and is there for me. Oh well, time for me to rant to God again!

Oh God, please do not leave me and be with me!
-Amen-

-Kelvin-

P.S: strangely enough, i was never alone πŸ™‚

=22= Melancholic Reflections: Drums

It doesn’t take a genius to know that i love drums. It doesn’t take a genius to know that when i am in a daze, half the time i am thinking of a tune and ‘playing’ to it. I have been contemplating on writing a post on drums, yet i never knew how to approach it. Even now i am writing it with no idea in my brain. Haha, we shall see how this goes~!

I have been thinking why do i even play the drums? The drums by itself is practically soulless. Sure Watoto said that they believe playing drums signifies life, yet even they don’t just play drums alone. They sing along to the beat! I mean, you could listen to a piece on the piano for hours straight. You could really add to the ambience by playing the acoustic guitar. You get to see people like Elvin and Shavinn on the guitar and they look great! They look like they get transported to a land where only them with their guitar exist! Drums are loud…

Well, i always admire drummers like Chad Smith and Steve Jordan when they play solos and still sound as good as they do. But really no one could stand watching drum solos for hours… We see how great their technique are and that’s it. We hear how great they sound and that’s it. We feel their groove and that’s it. We enjoy drums with music, not drums alone. Drums alone are loud and annoying.

Yet, i see another interesting thing with drums. We bring out the best in music. Seriously, without drums, try raising dynamics in the song! Try to build up and actually raise dynamics! It seems like music and drums bring forth the best in each other! Drums being a monotone instrument gives consistency to the music and music brings soul to the instrument, both complements each other!

If u see it in a way, Drums are just a fancy metronome. Keeping time. Yet it brings such flavour to the set! Well, when there is a need for punches, when the drums punches properly, 60% of the punches are there.

You can tell sometimes when a drummer is thinking of a tune in his head and playing drums to it or is he just playing a beat! Like once i could tell that Bro Leb is playing Wordplay by Jason Mraz! I guess what the drummer is thinking of in his head is extremely important. I used to think in my head what groove am i playing. But then, i lost where i was in the song and filled in wrongly then i lose control of time keeping. Now i think of the words and ‘sing’ along with it! Now i know where i am in the song, chances of me filling wrongly reduced quite a bit! πŸ™‚

Well, Melancholic me. Haha, I guess i just love hitting metal disc and plastic skins with wood! Something about drums is very satisfying!

-Kelvin-