=42= Worship Reflections: J333

Ok, just got back from my first J333 that i served. So freaking nerve wrecking.

I guess that is the effect of playing loud with avioms. All these while i play the drum set behind the drum shield with earphones on. The great thing about having isolation that comes with IEMs is that i can play all out without worrying my ears breaking. Great thing about having a drum shield is that i can play all out without worrying that i will overpower my other band members. Great thing about having a blue box for me to control is that i do not need to shout out to the sound engineer/worship leader to raise people on my monitors. I really give thanks for my church’s equipment.

Ok, for my first J333 set, i didn’t think i would be late, but i was… I was doing something and time just past. Well, the set consisted of these songs:
Lord I’m Hungry
Change my heart O God
Hosanna by Paul Baloche
The Same Love
Made to Worship
Reign In Us
Here In Your Presence

Well, i normally enjoy playing without IEMs in Furama, cause the avioms mix isn’t great and hearing people clap and sing is great! 🙂 however, this time round i am playing on an acoustic kit. Well, its just me complaining, i know i wouldn’t be so picky without being so blessed by my church’s equipment!

The last time i played with monitors was in youth camp and it was supposed to be acoustic set with a drum set! It was surprisingly great, cause i was able to hear the singing!

This time, i am playing on a quite strange drum set. The 16 inch cymbal isn’t as sensitive as the 18 inches one cause its a crash ride. The hats were too stiff, the decay of the sound was too fast. The difference between the 16 and 18 crashes are too much giving me a problem when i try to do fills with crashes. The splash is too big, giving longer decay. The snare sounds not bad, yet the snare wires could be tighter, the wires been rattling non-stop. Yet i know that i should not complain so much. These are equipment issues and it can be fixed easily. Having the drum shield this time was really bad, cause i can’t hear anything apart from my drums and cymbals and my mons.

Well, overall the set was ok though, i enjoyed playing the fast songs. The thing about my playing is that there is really no dynamics at all. There were only like two levels… 😦 i guess i need to learn how to play with a monitor!

Thank God its Johann that led worship. He is really such a nice encouraging guy! Thank God Daniel is there to play with me! 🙂

Well, more J333s to come!

-Kelvin-

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=41= Words of Melancholy: Haunts

Why does it seem so short when you are here by my side?
And so long when you aren’t?
Funny thing is that time has become a strange entity.
It seems like a year is gone
Yet, when i look at the calendar,
It shows me that only a month has past

And it haunts me.

Why do i have to live through a year when only a month has past?
Why do i have to experience the pain that i don’t need to.
I have no idea what you think
Yet, i remember my past acts.

And it haunts me.

I caught a glimpse of myself
Though now i see it not with eyes of the person committing it
I see it with the eyes of someone by your side
And i tell myself never do that ever again.
Yet, doing that might get a response.

And it haunts me that i think such thoughts.

I used to look forward to every meeting
Now i dread it
I dread the day when i have to face the problem head on
But even when i contemplate with all my mind

I still think its not my fault.

I get angry over the fact that it is a matter of miscommunication
And i grief over the fact that something so beautiful just died.
This death affected me
It seems like everything just lost colour
Just as how the bright red was covered with descending grey

It died.

And this impact shows my heart
Was I filling my entire heart with it?
When it died, my heart lost a bit of itself
A horrible feeling came upon me

And it haunts me.

Why is it affecting me so much?
What did you expect?
No promises were made
No covenant was made

Yet, i still want more.

I am starting to enjoy life again
Colour is slowly returning to sight
I am slowly returning to the life before the start of it
Yet, there is conflict with my heart

I want closure.

Funny thing about humans is that they have hope
Hope seems to change perspective
No matter how bad it is
The heart will hang on to hope
As if closure will make it better.

I want change, yet i am hanging on to the past.

Memories, shall always be good
Yet, they will soon come to past
My heart may want to hold on
But my mind will forget
In the end, when i finally remember

May my feelings never resurface again.

=40= Melancholic Reflections: Crying

Crying have become a constant in my life. Of course it is not always me crying, but i noticed that people around me cry. Quite frankly, when someone cry, what should you do?

Make them laugh? They might think you are not sympathetic. Leave and come back when they cool down? They might think you are running away from the problem. Tell them not to be sad? They get angry and shout at you.

I think the best thing you can do is to stay with them and just be there for them.

Well, i noticed what i do when people cry. When it is a person i am not very close to, I will ask if she/he is ok. When it is a girl i am close to, i would ask if she is ok and sit down to find out more. If it is a guy i am close to or someone younger than me, i put my arm around him and tell him to take his time.

“Take your time” is the best i have come out with to say to someone who is crying. “Don’t be sad luhh” is insensitive because sometimes the person have a legit reason to be sad, telling them to stop being sad is stupid. “Why are you so depressed?” I have learned that sometimes squirming the answer out of someone is really harmful. “Everything will be alright” ha, stoping giving one false hope, how will you know that everything will be alright? I have faith that with God everything will somehow or another be alright, yet telling someone what everyone is telling him is simply not helping. I like “Whatever happens, i will be there for you”, but i have yet to say it.

Why i chose “Take your time” is very simple, I am able to say it to everyone. I rather someone let it all out in tears then to bottle up her/his feelings. The assurance of time is something Singaporeans lack. Saying this simple phrase also assures the person of your presence.

Truthfully, i think i cry A LOT. My mentor said i don’t, but i cried in front of him countless times. Sometimes i like crying. Crying is very therapeutic. It feels way better after you cry. So i have no idea why people are so against a guy crying. Hey Jesus wept when Lazarus died, so why do you think you can go through life without crying?

I have been through many events when people cried in front of me. Many were caused by me(I am NOT proud of it…). Some were simply coincidences(like i walked in the canteen and see a girl crying). I think there is one thing you can do to help the crying individual. Be There. Don’t think its too much trouble, don’t think you are not qualified, if there is not one to console him/her, isn’t it worse? When Job friends saw Job suffering, they wept with him and stayed on the ground with him for seven days. Many people who reads Job tend to condemn his friends for condemning Job, but they forget that his friends stuck with him throughout the whole time.

However, we can find comfort here:

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

-Kelvin-

=39= Unclassified: Blogs

I found a really nice blog to read, after all it is my mentor’s blog. I am actually surprised at the content. It is very different. I have seen my other mentor’s blog before and it is like a huge place for him to rant and reflect. I have seen such a huge transition from this ranting guy to this guy who simply reflects then stop. This other mentor doesn’t really rant, he simply enters the Mel mode and record down his struggles and experiences.

I always thought that my blog is a place for me to express my feelings, but now i see how different my blog is from my mentor’s. My blog is quite structured in a sense. I will always record down the number, add a ‘segment’ to it. His blog isn’t structured at all. Yet, it is his feelings are captured in his posts. Looks like my Choleric side does affect the way i do things.

Blogs have a really strange way of capturing the moment. It does it in a way that no social media could nowadays. Facebook and Twitter post/tweets are short and sweet. Instagram does have a certain flair to it, but blogs could really express the feelings that couldn’t have been expressed at the moment. And really, there are moments worth remembering but photos were not taken. I have no way to ‘keep’ this memory. So i blog.

Oh well, it is quite funny that i am using blogs to comment on blogs.

-Kelvin-

=38= Melancholic Reflections: Reminisce

Today as i write, i don’t feel as troubled. So hopefully it will be well written.

I have been reminiscing over the past these few days. I remembered back when i was in secondary four. I had a few close friends. Yet after i went to poly, we lost touch. This saddens me. Just how many of my friends will remain friends when i am 20?

I do not want to simply have friends for the year we are in. That is why i am so careful with who i make my friend. Do not misunderstand. I would be the loud guy just to make it less awkward(a gift i thank God for). It is after the ice-breaking period when i really take a huge step back and be close to a few.

I wasn’t always like this. Back in secondary four, i was still that awkward guy who doesn’t know how to interact with people. I sometime suspect, i still am. I had 3 good friends when i was in secondary four, 3 people that i never expected to be good friends with.

Let me start with the first one. My table partner(as she would say). Well, somehow, this friend of mine sat beside me. Actually i am not surprised she sat where she sat, i was surprised that we became such good friends. Well, i know who she is, she knows who am i, but we never spoke. Only when she sat beside me then i began to talk to her. Well, it was really fun for me to sit there and enjoy conversation. We stopped talking after we have gotten our N level results. Since we don’t really text each other, we have been cut off, and i am really sad that there isn’t any more communication.

Then the guy in front of me. Well, he was from my primary school, but we never talked much. However, we chatted quite a bit together with my table partner. It was great to know you more! 🙂 we ended up in the same Poly, hopefully we will get closer.

Finally the guy behind me. This is really random. This guy was the guy i got into a ‘fight’ to in the hall during Chinese new year in secondary one. Well, i don’t know what happened, but it seems like we really have chemistry and we hit off. He went back to Sec 5 and did really well! 🙂

I no longer speak to these three close friends and i am really sad. It will take constant effort to maintain a relationship. So please grant me energy to! I really don’t want my close friends in PFP to just be another friend when i reach 20.

Oh, i use 20 because i saw how fast a relationship could deteriorate. So 20 first.

-Kelvin-

=37= Day To Remember: Gain

Yesterday was a great day. Well, i went out with my mother and sister to the river safari and i had fun. I am really thankful for time to invest to my family and just enjoy something with them.

Another huge thing that happened yesterday was that i gained an official mentor. I have been really sad that my mentor is moving up to Young Adults. I thought i will be losing a mentor. Yet, last night we went out for a prayer meeting then dinner. I really give thanks that he could give his time out for me!

Well, he read my cards and he told me that he knows that i want to be mentored. So he became my mentor officially. Instead of losing a mentor, i lost nothing. I got a mentor that is going to help me out in many areas.

Though the direction of this mentorship is not decided yet, i give thanks, i have someone to mentor me.

Thank you God, please set a direction!
-Amen-

-Kelvin-