=58= Day To Remember: Trust Me

I really liked today! 🙂 Well, to keep track it was exactly three months yesterday. To my surprise, I wasn’t half as affected by the day than i thought i would. I guess, I was given stuff to distract me from the day, i met up with my co-cell leader, I read manga. After all, distraction seems to play a huge part in easing pain.

I remember that morning in my class chalet, the sky was still dark, my calves ache because of the over walking, after all i can’t cycle. That morning, i remembered what Dr Paul Brand wrote in The Gift of Pain. He recounted that when he wasn’t able to sleep because of pain, he went to the shore and stepped on small broken shells and sang hymns. All these signals distracted him of the pain and eventually allowed him to sleep. I decided to do the same, to step on the broken shells. At first, fear would be instilled in you that the shells might be sharp and cut you, but after a second of slight prickle, the shells felt great! I began walking along the path of broken shells. It was pleasurable and amazingly, my ache went off. Signals from my feet overrode the signals from my calves. Hopefully these six months will help me.

These six months that i have been constantly mentioning in my previous posts is in fact a six month break on something that i have been struggling with. I want to take a six month break to help me realign my priorities, to help me find out what kind of a person i want to be, to take a look at how it has affected me and how i can change my perspective on certain things. Sounds mature isn’t it? Yet, this six month break isn’t voluntary. It was due to something that happened to me on Christmas eve. I do not like to go into details, but these three months has been months of constant sighing, i am currently struggling to come out of this bad outlook on my life. If after these six months i am still in this state, the wise thing to do is to extend the break. Please pray for me, pray that i will have the patience to go through these six months.

Let’s go back to today! Today was a really simple day. I woke up to find links to watch How I Met Your Mother episode 22. I am rather sad that the series is ending, HIMYM is such a fun sitcom to watch! The cast has such chemistry together! Then, at 1130, i went to swim, so as usual, i do my warm ups; Run four lengths in the pool, swim without legs for four lengths. Today, my swimming without legs went badly, my core muscles hurt really badly. Then, i started to swim freestyle for my target 22 lengths(or 11 laps), for i managed 20 lengths the last time. As i swam, bitterness in me came out, i was disappointed with how things turned out, I wanted to make a bargain with God. So i told God, if i can swim 30 lengths reconcile me with that person. So i pushed on. in between 20 to 30 lengths, i think back to how Moses laid on his side for 40 days. Of course, there wasn’t any relation to my swimming, but i am amazed that God actually cared how Moses thought. God was about to abandon them, but Moses act of lying, convinced God to make a covenant with the Israelites. Just like when how Jacob wrestled with God and Job questioned God, God actually cares about what we do. So i think i heard God telling me to swim 40 lengths instead. I was really tired then, so i was there telling God, come on isn’t 30 enough? God said, “Trust Me”. So i just went for it, i swam 40 lengths(20 laps). Not bad for a non-swimmer. I did not have a deal with God, but i got an assurance of His presence! I got the words “Trust Me”.

Later on today, my secondary school friends were meeting up for dinner at Hougang 1. Well, if it was me three months ago, i would have went for it, but these three months help me to see what are more important. Very often, the top of the list is Family. As i am going overseas tomorrow, i wouldn’t have time for my grandmother. so i decided to have dinner at my gramps instead. Well, part of this decision was also due to the trigger to this break. I have no idea how, the only thing i can do is to trust God. Yet, i knew that this trigger has affected my relationship with my friends. I saw such a pride in my life. Pride that wants dignity over love. Pride that wants to give up. Pride that wants to continue. Pride that tells me that i am doing it so that it will be less awkward. In actual fact, i made it worse. This Pride is worth nothing. I decided then to visit them. I enjoyed the few minutes i had with you guys! I am so blessed to have a group of friends that doesn’t probe. Many times, i see people probing into people’s personal affairs, to a certain point, it is great to do that, it is initiative and gets you to know the person, but, sometimes, you are requesting information that you have no right to know, that is when you should back down. I enjoy this group of friends because they don’t probe much, they observe like me. They simply wait until you tell them about stuff. I need that today, thank you.


Pride was a huge part of my QT today:

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Philippians 2:5-11

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Romans 12:16

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
Ephesians 2:8-9

This is what the Lord says:
“Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches, but let the one who boasts boast about this:
that they have the understanding to know me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,”
Declares the Lord.
Jeremiah 9:23-24

Lord, Father, may you deal with my pride!

-Kelvin-

=57= Melancholic Reflections: Woo

Let me rant before showering.

A relationship is difficult to maintain. I have no idea how many friends i have lost already because of the lack of communication. It really takes effort to sustain a relationship.

Friends come and go, once you change school, you lose contact and stop catching up. After a while, you realised that you don’t really have friends. Even if you do it never gets as close as it once was with someone else. I look around, i see my friend being so tight with my classmates and i just look on with envy. It is difficult to keep in touch. It is tiring to check your phone every 30 seconds. Yet, deep down you want to do that.

I grew to hate text messages. Text messages are simply words. You can’t hear tone. You can’t read the person’s expression typing those words. You don’t know the few words that he/she typed before revising his/her text. It give you a false sense of intimacy while giving you security of the barrier of the phone company. End of the day, you would want to speak to the person in person. If it feels awkward when you guys are face to face, you are doing it wrong. The other party is human, not just a text replying robot that sends you what you want. They think about what you text, they think before sending you a message. They might send you something you do not like. Humans require real intimacy. We need face to face interaction. I think we need touch as well.

Intimacy require commitment. How can you earn a girl’s heart by wooing her on the phone? Go all out wooing her face to face! Use the phone as an aid to help you woo her, not as a means! Go all out! Bring her gifts, edify her. Work hard for the future, give her a sense of security. Then, get a response. Please respect her choice. Do not think you are entitled to reciprocated feeling just because you did so much. Do not demand anything, for you are not perfect at all.

Love her like how Christ loved us! The journey is as important as the result. Along the way, you will see more! Do not be lazy, the precious treasure of a woman’s heart is not earned. In fact you can’t earn it. You work your hardest and hope for the best, when you do not get it, it is expected, but if you do get it, treasure it. You will hurt this heart you treasure, you will take it for granted, when that time comes, look to God for the great example of Love and work your ass off to fix and earn that heart again. Do not let your pride get in the way of your treasure. End of the day, you will realise that the treasure is worth more.

Jesus the Bridegroom has worked his ass off to earn the heart of his bride. He put down his pride as a God. He corrected his bride when she is wrong. He gave her gifts of eternity. He thought of her as he was about to be killed. He knew that there were no other way that his bride could live. He sealed the covenant of his body and blood at gethsemane. He was whipped 39 times. He was pierced for the wrong he did not commit. With his last breath, he thought of his bride. Yet, the bride still did not love him. They loved something that will kill them. When the Bride realised that Bridegroom has sacrificed himself for them, how will she react?

-Kelvin-

=56= Words of Melancholy: Initiate

Tell you the truth, i hate working with people i do not know well. I will tell you of two relationships that triggered this statement.

First, my co-cell leader. Story is this: When i first started cell leading, my goal is to be initiative. So, I had a lot of ideas i wanted to try out. I tried and tried, but somehow it did not work out at all… I wasn’t able to connect to the cell, i wasn’t able to teach them, something was missing. I realised that the main problem was because i lacked unity with my co-cell leaders(last year there were two). So God shifted my entire focus off being initiative to being bonded with my co-cell leaders. Still, it took me a lot of effort to be close to one particular co-cell leader. I just can’t seem to be able to talk to him. This really challenged be to be more initiative towards our relationship(ironic isn’t it?). I am happy to say that i find it way easier to speak to him now.

Next, my co-leader of this upcoming camp. I knew her from my orientation. So i wasn’t so worried about working with her. Yet, when we met for a group outing today, i noticed that she was pressured about coming up with cheers and finding identities. So i was probing with questions, that doesn’t help… She was among friends, so she would ask for advice. I was in a really uncomfortable position, i knew really very few people. I do not know her boundaries, so i do not know what to do. People are clustered together, so i was in dilemma, should i go up to a group to talk? Or should i wait for them to talk to me. I observed a few things, initiating it sometimes seems thick-skinned and annoying. Waiting feels selfish. Well, giving short answers to questions when they try to talk is bad as well. Probably it is my fault. So, i realised that i have changed quite a fair bit.

I am practically dreading this camp. Lord, be with me, help me through.

Now for a more objective part. Working with people you are not familiar with, just shows a side of you when you work. For me, i tend to be on the listening side. I listen more than i talk. However, when you listen way more than you talk, you tend to be really careful and not vulnerable with people. I do not want to be vulnerable to people that i can’t trust, yet, how am i supposed to love and create strong relationships if i don’t do so? I observe myself, when there is a tinge of attraction, you would care for the person, not just over the work, but over the person’s life, to get to know one better. I hope to play the role of the participant not the observer.

Father, may you melt this awkwardness away.

-Kelvin-

=55= Comfort Songs: Keep On Wanting

Keep on Wanting by The Fray

Everything you want in broken pieces on the floor
And everything you thought you’d ever need
But it’s not what you want but matters and such you want more
So go on, lie to yourself but don’t lie to me

And there’s the door
Didn’t quit but now I believe you don’t need this
Evermore
Yeah tonight lights up, show the town what you can

Open up your broken heart
And keep on wanting
Fallen saints and fallen stars
But it don’t mean nothing
Everybody feels left out of a house they can’t get in
So open up your broken
And keep on wanting
So keep on wanting

There’s two kinds of people, those who try and those who don’t
And only time will tell which one you were
And it’s alright if you don’t know which way you’re gonna go
Just don’t be afraid to feel it all

And there’s the door
Didn’t quit but now I believe you don’t need this
Evermore
Yea tonight lights up, show the town what you can

Open up your broken heart
And keep on wanting
Fallen saints and fallen stars
But it don’t mean nothing
Everybody feels left out of a house they can’t get in
So open up your broken
And keep on wanting
So keep on wanting

Open up
You will find the way to go
Just take the cup
You may be stronger than you know

So open up your broken heart
And keep on wanting
Fallen saints and fallen stars
But it don’t mean nothing
Everybody feels left out of a house they can’t get in
So open up your broken
And keep on wanting
So keep on wanting
So keep on wanting
Keep on wanting

Keep on wanting, keep on
Keep on wanting, keep on
Keep on wanting, keep on
Keep on wanting, keep on

=54= Words of Melancholy: Flavour/Colour/Scent/Pain/Sight Where Are You?

Quite truthfully, i tend to get bored with stuff these days. I throw myself towards music, videos and tv. Nothing helped. I tried reading manga, but i just do not want to start on another series. I watched shows, i just do not have the energy to watch them anymore. I listen to music, the fray, the band i was so impressed with a few days ago, just became dull. I watched Suits for someone and that someone isn’t talking to me. Well, it is too heavy, i have no motivation to watch it too. The two sitcoms that i watch, only comes out once a week… The videos i watch on youtube just doesn’t have flavour, i drive myself to a ton of drum videos, Paiste has this really cool cymbal morph video, but even drum heroes become dull.

The few things that i found colour are swimming, playing drums and reading a book(sometimes its tiring too). Especially swimming, being able to go into the water and focus on breathing is really therapeutic. Not only that, i am able to work on my core muscles.

I find it so sad that i no longer finding pleasure in doing things that i am used to enjoy. Dull, everything is meaningless, i am slowly becoming like the writer of ecclesiastes. Hopefully, this flavour will come back into my life. I want to taste salt, everything is so bland. I want to see colours, not just black and white. I want to feel pain, not just insensitivity. I want to hear beautiful music, not just noises. I want to smell perfume, i can’t, my nose is blocked.

Bear the cross of pain and grief O my soul and lay down at the pastures that he leads you.

Satisfy me Lord, still my heart, assure me of Your Love. Use me, lead me to the direction you want me to.

-Amen-

-Kelvin-

=53= Words of Melancholy: The Cost

I finally found a good title for all my ranting. Unclassified sounds cool, but not classified…

Something can end really suddenly. Just like life, you never know when you are going to die. Death cuts off any connection to the person. For that reason, i am really grateful that you are alive.

As long as you are breathing i have a hope of reconciliation. Hope that i’ll hold on to. Though the present is ripping me away, my arm will hold on to that branch, when it finally rips my hand off, skin cells will stay on the branch. It is funny, i have seen it work once, not only did it return to original, it improved, why do i have such doubts now?

I believe it is because i am no longer given the luxury of seeing you everyday. You are alive, but far, how am i supposed to approach someone that distances away from me?

Is nothing really better than to enjoy my work? It is my lot, but is nothing better than that? I don’t dare to say that i rather i invest in relationships rather than work, for i have gained so much.

Yet, i have lost much. How is someone supposed to gain back what he has lost?

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By searching hard.

What if i can’t find it?

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Make a report.

What if a report doesn’t help?

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You have lost it, time to get it replaced.

I dare not use this analogy for human relationships for humans are not things, they are made in God’s Image, with life breathed in them. Yet, i stumble at the first step. The last step is easy, yet, might cost more. The first step is tough, but you add value to the lost. The second step takes faith.

Do i have it?

-Kelvin-

=52= Words of Melancholy: Humility

I sometimes wonder, is it because i am too conservative? Or is it because of the people around me that i am so lonely?

I noticed it in school. I realised that through all the drama, i did not even see a bit of it. I kept living in my own world. Is being determined to get good results really such a put off?

I noticed it in church as well, in the span of just one year, how many relationships have i lost? My pillars of support just topples down one by one.

I want good results. Hence, I devote most of my time into investing into school work and ministry. Results did come back. They are good. Slightly better than most people. Yet, i suspect i am getting prideful in my work. Maybe it is my pride that is pushing people away.

I am always in conflict. Should i approach a group of people that has been together for a while and try to join them? Or should i wait for a group to include me? The first seems thick-skinned and annoying, having experienced it once. The second seems selfish and lazy.

Ironically, when everyone is uncomfortable, i am comfortable in being the silly guy and try to make friends. When i am the only one uncomfortable, i am awkward and i do not know what to say. The only thing i can think of is to be as real and honest as possible. Laugh awkwardly to reduce awkwardness.

Funny thing is that i always return to one answer. Love. Yet, i noticed that love is something easy to do in a group but difficult to do as one person. I am not talking about loving people in the group i am talking about loving people out of the group. A group of people, being together for so long, received so much love from their peers, they have the ability and comfort to love people outside of the group, to give. Yet, i have seen people that doesn’t want to step out of their comfort zones. They seem to think loving others will result in others spoiling their relationship with them. To a certain point, i do agree. The relationship will never be the same, but it will never be the same if you let it stay the way it is(ironic isn’t it?).

A relationship takes effort to sustain. Why then are some relationships easier to sustain than others? I drew down to a conclusion. How much you are receiving from a person. Have you ever witnessed a person who falls in love with someone because they are touched by what was done for them? Yet, i am also aware how annoying it can be when you do not like someone and that someone likes you and do a lot for you.

Why then? I gave my attention to character. I have a friend which i really dislike. He speaks necessarily. He always thinks he is right. Loves to argue. I look at him and i ask God, how am i supposed to love him? I look at his character(not personality) with disgust.

The reason why i put it is not personality because personality is more superficial. For example i would describe one’s personality by who he is, for example, “caring”. I would describe one’s character by what he does, for example, “loving”. So when someone is funny, ask why is he funny. I know of someone who makes jokes on the fly because he is nervous and afraid.

I see what he does. He thinks he is always right. He seems to feel superior to others by doing what others can’t. He gets satisfaction with winning arguments. Of which some are started by him.

People love peace. No one believes that war is good. Though we can see the good qualities that wars produces(perseverance, loyalty, camaraderie), no one in their right mind would start a war just to produce such qualities. These qualities are the by-product of war, one should never use war as a means to produce such qualities. No one should start a war just to feel superior. If country A defeats country B, they would rejoice over what they have won(territory, resources), and not because they have won a difficult war. If they are fighting to feel superior what they have won becomes useless and the war is for nothing. One might as well, play chess for that feeling.

Pride repels everyone. Including other people with great pride. You know what i mean. When two people in a class have conflict over something, they would stop talking to each other. Pride would often prevent one to apologize to the other party. The individuals are then hurt further by their friends unwillingness to apologize. They assume that their friendship do not matter to the other party than it does to themselves. The sad thing is that most of the time their friendship do matter to them, they just can’t get over their pride. I believe when one apologize the other party will too.

So what is that quality that they need to get? Humility. The willingness to admit that you are not always right. The willingness to serve. The willingness to copy Jesus, who is God but came down to earth to become nothing.

Philippians 2:1-11 NIV

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.   In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:   Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;   rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.   And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!   Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,   that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,   and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Pride rejects, Humility accepts.

-Kelvin-