=72= Melancholic Reflections: Led

Today was my debut back in J333! Finally after almost two months, i had the chance to go for it! It was satisfying! Really satisfying! πŸ™‚

Well, though i was really looking forward to spending this Wed with my mentor, i guess it is good that he cancelled with me-i will explain in a while.

I did my homework. I had a pretty good dinner. I went back to read my book and wait for people i know to come for J333. However, i was disappointed. Very few youths i know came. I guess it is the exams period after all.

I did met Sis Andrea though! πŸ™‚ i really enjoyed being able to read books with her, but seriously, she reads way too fast… She finished one of my books in like 20 minutes! O_O

Then came the actual prayer meeting. I prayed, and geared God tell me to take off my shoes. I was ok with it, after all, i like going barefooted. They told us to pair up, so i prayed with Sis Andrea, she prayed over my pride. I prayed over her uncertainty. Actually thinking back have i prayed with Sis Andrea before?

Then, came the thing that made my day. I went to the toilet and when i came out, i saw this malay woman sitting at the staircase. I felt burdened to go up to her and speak to her, i went pretty close but i chickened out.

I returned, the MC wanted us to take a rock to symbolize us building our altar. I took one and prayed, i felt really troubled not taking the effort and faith to go up to her and speak to her. I convinced myself to go after her.

When i reached the staircase, she was about to leave. So i said, “Hi”

She looked back.

“How can i pray for you?”

“What?”

“How can i pray for you?”

“What?”

“How can i pray for you?”

“You want to pray for me?” she replied giving me a surprised look.

“Yeah, i want to pray for you”

“Urm, you can pray for me to be calm, i get overly anxious and nervous and hyperactive sometimes, that is why i came here to meditate”

I prayed over her, but i was really cautious over the words i used for i do not want her to be uncomfortable and not understand what i was talking about.

I remember two words/phrases that i spoke. “sister”. It was just the start, but i decided to call her my sister. This word seems to have touched her. “for many years”. She never told me that she had this condition recently or years ago, but i spoke these words and it fits.

I apologized for disrupting her peace, but she assured me saying that she has never experienced this before and that it was nice. πŸ™‚

I walked away telling God that he sucks(in a playful way, like you do with friends), but then thanking him for this opportunity!

-Kelvin-

=71= Melancholic Reflections: How

These few days has been a huge realisation that the spiritual world exists. I am human, in a physical world with a physical body with a non physical soul. I have witness how the devil attacks and i plan to put it down clear.

First, he would tackle the simple things. Whether is it making you think something you should not think or do something you should not do, he will tempt you to do that first. Maybe, it is as simple as stopping you from doing QT. He knows how important the simple things are and would stop you from doing good. His arguments are simple, he works using your pride. Little by little, he is chipping off your sensitivity. As you have a hierarchy about sins you do(lying is less bad than murder), you will tend to ignore the attacks.

Next, once your guard is down, he will pull out the big guns and start giving you an attack so big you can’t handle. I believe quite often, with the hierarchy of sin, this sin that you have committed is under “taboo to do”.

However the devil isn’t so nice as to let you off now. He continues to shame you. Telling you, “you have committed this, how can you stand in front of a holy God with this sin?”(yes, he uses God’s name against you)

He would continuously remind you of the pleasure of the sin and promise you that there will be something to satisfy you as long as you continue to do so.

He would also make excuses not to bring the sin out to the light. This is to ensure that no spiritual support is given to you to break out of this sin(the devil knows that we are unable to fight this sin alone).

Yet(this is the good news), we are not left alone to this fight. We have a greater counsel. The Holy Spirit. He makes you uncomfortable when you sin. He teaches you from right and wrong and He grieves when you sin. So when you first hear His voice, you will experience a great surge of power, you will be able to stop.

However there are still ways for the devil to harm you.

He could start chipping off your guard again, making you think that the power was yours. So when he attacks you again, you are not drawing power from God, but drawing power from yourself. This time, you get even more discouraged and you might stop trying, but the Holy Spirit continues to prompt you when you do wrong.

He could also let you off that sin and start puffing you up. Giving you a large ego and a huge pride. This pride will be the catalyst to your downfall. You will be annoying to the people around you and you lose your pillars of support. You will start doing things for your own selfish desires and stumble others. You will think you have no need to rely on God any further. This is when the devil would strike, he strikes you again. However, this time, with a larger pride, it will be difficult for you to seek help or even listen to the Holy Spirit. Your pride will stop you from leading a righteous life. Then the devil will shame you again, paralyzing you. Yet, the Holy Spirit wouldn’t let up, he continues to remind you what is right and tell you to rely on God.

The devil is sly. He knows if a man is humble and serves God, his pride will be difficult to puff up. Instead, he would show you how powerful is he. He will show you the spiritual world and his power. This is the devil we are talking about. He has more power than us puny humans. Humans has fear for the unknown too, we are afraid of things that we do not understand. He will trigger our fear and paralyze us.

All in all, the one in us is great than the one who is of the world. We can take comfort that we have a high priest that understands us. He went through all temptations of man and has stood clean. As we tap on the power that has brought Christ back to life, we are bought back to life, free of our transgressions.

Thank you Lord.

-Kelvin-

=70= Melancholic Reflections: Spiritual Warfare

I was really tired yesterday. After i shared, my energy was really down. It got so bad that i stoned in cell. It took a lot in me to even make jokes and speak.

I decided to go to the toilet, to freshen up. As i walked bare footed towards the toilet, a thought went past my mind. “Maybe i should go up to roof to Mel a bit before going back into cell.”

I have a simple tradition, when you are tired go somewhere quiet and cool to rest and Mel. Mel in this sense stands for Melancholy, which just means(for me) to stone.

The funny thing happened when i went past the elevator, one of the lifts is at level 5(the roof). After seeing that, i laughed. It seems as though God is calling me to level 5 to meet him.

After using the toilet, i went up to see the roof. However, the roof door was locked. So i was only in the glass room. This was when i noticed this constant clicking sound, like someone throwing something against the wall, but it clicks. Upon hearing this weird sound, i looked in the direction of the sound, it did not get louder, but i got scared and left.

Though i was less scared after i left, i felt really uneasy. This uneasiness did not leave me. This bad feeling peaked when we gather around to pray for Esna. When we were praying for her, i heard the same sound and i was really really scared. So i prayed a prayer of spiritual warfare and protection over her. In fact u was partially praying for me as well.

So i rushed my way out of church. My mind was telling me, “Quick go find Kennaf”. When i can’t find him at the bus stop, i knew i need to call him up to stop this uneasiness.

So i did. I called him. He was really nice, he did not dispute that i was just scaring myself. He gave me three things. One, evil spirits are real. Two, you could be scaring yourself. Three, you need to worship God now.

He gave me a verse from 1 John about testing the spirits. It was saying that i should test all spirits for not all spirits are from God. The way you differentiate them is to see whether they declare that Christ is from the Lord.

Kennaf gave me the verse after that. 1 John 4:4 NIV

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

He points out that the one in me and the one who is off the world are both real, but the one in me is greater.

So i went up the bus and i saw him on the bus; he was at the earlier bus stop… -.- when we got off, i showed him a really scared face. He told me i was giving it too much credit. I told him i was really scared because this happened in church! He replied, “why are you so surprised that the devil is attacking in the church, when sinners walk in and out of church? Does it mean that the devil won’t attack when you are in church?”

He told me that i need to stop giving it so much credit and need to make God’s presence stronger. I asked for a hug and he graciously gave one to me. At that embrace, i told him, “I am really scared” Once, i said that, tears flowed out, tears of fear and realisation of grace.

“It is ok to be scared, the Bible never said anything about being scared, now i want you to start listening to Christian music” He replied comforting me.

“Ok, i will try my best” A phrase that i often overuse.

“No! Its not your best…”

I knew what he was going to say afterwards, “…you have tried your best and that is not enough, now you need power that you have not been taping on, power that brought Christ from the dead! Not your best, but let God handle the rest”

Total surrender to God is something that i really struggle to do, but it is what God has been trying to help me do thus few months. I gave a nod to him and i walked away wiping my tears away.

I still have no idea what happened on the roof. It could be an evil spirit. It could be just me scaring myself. The next option is to me the worse, it could be God trying to meet me, but i was too afraid to even recognise Him. I have no particular proof of that, but i was reminded of story when Jesus walked on water. His disciples saw him and thought that he was a ghost

 

If God was trying to meet me and i children out because i was afraid, i think i am really such a chicken… 😦

Either way, this has strengthened my conviction that spiritual warfare is real!

-Kelvin-

=69= Melancholic Reflections: Trust

“Let go of the chair and i will give it to you”

That was what i said to my cute baby cousin today.

My cousin was being really mischievous today; he snatched the remote control from his sister and refused to give it to her or his father. Well, my uncle settled it by watching the channel he wanted to watch. So it seems like he wanted to take “revenge” on my uncle. He would purposely push a chair in front of my uncle. This chair is one of those kids chair, light and has a compartment behind. My cousin took the rubbish and put beside my uncle.

After that happened, i was really afraid that my grandmother would slip on the rubbish so i asked him to throw it away. He refused to. So i decided not to give him the chair. I held it tight; not allowing him to take it.

He pulled really hard. I told him to throw away the rubbish, but he refused to. At this point, my uncle took the rubbish and threw it away. So my ‘lesson’ is useless, but my cousin persisted, he would not let go at all.

He pulled with all his strength. He would try really hard(i could see some veins popping up), then get tired rest then try again.

“Let go of the chair and i will give it to you”

He replied no cheekily. He continued to pull with all his strength. I tried to promise with my pinky out, but he refused to take up his pinky and let go of the chair.

He pulled and pulled.

At this point i was really scared that he would pull, lose his grip and hurt himself. So i constantly told him to be careful and told him not to lean back to much. It got to a point when i put my hand on his back because i was scared he would hit his head.

Still he pulled. He even tried turning the chair. He tried to pull. He would not let go. I would not too. I knew that if i let go he would hurt himself.

So i told him to let go and i will give it to him. He rejected my offer. He ignored me and continued to pull.

There was this look on his face that shows me when he was about to cry. He showed me this face, but he did not shed a tear.

I asked him, “You don’t want the chair ah?”

He replied, “I want”

“Then let go lah, i promised you already”

“NO”

“Why?”

“…”

“You scared that i would lie ah?”

<Nods his head>

“But i promised you already”

“No, you lie”

“Let go of the chair and i will give it to you, Trust Kor Kor, i would not lie”

I do not know if he let go intentionally or accidentally, but he let go of the chair. Before i could respond he shouted at me “See! You Lie”(I did not let go of the chair).

After i see his hands off, i let go of the chair, but his attention seems to fall on another chair – which was only beside him this whole time. He was happy with having two chairs.

I coax him to throw the rubbish in the compartment of the second chair and gave him a high five after he did.

 

You may find my cousin really spoilt, please don’t; he is not, he was just angry at his father. He reminded me of something that happened in my life.

I wanted something REALLY badly. I wanted it so much. I would pray to God about it, i would ask for wisdom. I wanted to back off, but i really wanted it. So i pursued it, but the Spirit was convicting me against it. I kept struggling. I wanted to take that step of faith, but i never did. My God wouldn’t let me have what i wanted and i got hurt. God never said “Let go and i will let you have it”, no such promise was given to me. All He said was “Let go and trust me”. I did not want to, so he came through for me.

Well, it wasn’t that bad. Letting go, losing grip rather, gave me perspective. Losing grip allowed me to appreciate the beauty in people. It gave me more faith in God(is that ironic?). Finally after so many months my brain seems to have one less burden and i give thanks!

Trust, such a difficult thing to do. To let go. To wait. To take a step back. Why is it so difficult to do? My pride seems to be the one affecting me. Pride that tells me that i know better than God, that God wouldn’t let me have it because he doesn’t want me to enjoy. Well, now i have both chairs, now for me to throw the rubbish in my life, so i still can’t have both. Until i threw these rubbish i have, i can’t have it!

Thank you Lord for this simple but interesting lesson! πŸ™‚

-Kelvin-

=68= Words of Melancholy: Don’t Sweat The Details

I noticed i get annoyed with a few things.

People asking me what time, what place and what is happening next(in my camp). In the camp, many of my district’s members kept asking me, “what’s next?” or worse “what time is dinner?”. My response is normally, “I am not sure, let me check”. Why do you need to know everything? Is knowing everything really necessary? To ask all these questions proves your distrust of your main comm(in the camp). I sincerely don’t think knowing everything can change anything. Sometimes my kid would want the exact time we meet, but come on we will never be exact, rather than that, wouldn’t calling me when you reach be better? Stop sweating the details! If i know everything about my life, my life loses meaning and thrill. Asking God questions yet not receiving any reply can be very frustrating for me, i know, but very often, when we ask God such questions, we already have something in our hearts that we desire. All we want is God’s approval. What if God says no? Would you listen?

People checking the time when i am teaching. This is really annoying because i am trying my best to teach you and you are checking the time for you to leave? That is disrespectful to the teacher. Please the teacher has prepared so much for you you know.

People giving me stupid replies to my serious questions. When i am trying my best to connect, i am trying to listen. I will be vulnerable with you, please give me some content. I do not ask of you to be serious all the time, i go crazy sometimes too, i am just asking you to be serious for the right time.

This is just me ranting, so sorry!

-Kelvin-

=67= Words of Melancholy: Stretched

To call this Words of Melancholy is inappropriate. This is more like words of Joy.

My God has put me through so much to stretch me beyond my capacity. My God has given me patience and endurance. My God has given me initiative to work. My God has given me energy to invest to others. My God has given me time to think what kind of man i want to be. My God has given me love.

My camp has stretched me beyond what i thought it would. It pushed me to come out with things i am not good at. It pushed me to invest in people i do not know yet. It pushed me to speak even when it is difficult. It pushed me to step back, even when it seem irresponsible and unnecessary. It has pushed me to endure what angers me so much. It has pushed me to make new friends. It has pushed me to bring comfort when people are scared. It has pushed me to do things i am uncomfortable with. At the end of it, i feel more human.

That break has stretched me way beyond my capacity. To a place i never thought i would go to. It has stretched me to see the beauty of the people around me. It has stretched me to invest in others even when no one invests in me. It has thought me to rely on God more and rely on Him first.

Well, i give thanks God, that i am now at a clean state. No longer am i sighing about the pain. I will now use my brain on something else!

Thank you Lord!

-Kelvin-

=66= Melancholic Reflections: PFP District Camp

I want to cry. I walked out of the familiar place with a heavy heart. I held my hand out and spoke words like i normally do, but nothing has yet lighten my burden. All i could do is walk and say “Thank You God”.

I am on the bus home from my PFP camp. I am extremely depressed. I don’t want this to end. I want this friendship. I want this sense of unity.

I signed up to be a GL for this camp when my classmates posted the link on whatsapp. I really wanted to do it for it sounds really fun to lead a group of freshies and to make new friends. I was scared though. Especially when they texted me to say that i have an interview. I guess i could say that my interview went well; i became an official GL!

Only one word can describe my first outing together with the GLs, AWKWARD. For many of them came from their individual classes, they would talk to only those of their class. I would often cry out to God because of this awkwardness. However, there were people who tried their best to know me and i give thanks for that. This awkwardness did not fade away until the bonding camp.

Well, the bonding camp was simple. We come, we play games that the freshies are gonna play. Yet, even simple things can bond a group together. We came together so many times. My favourite was the guys coming together to eat maggi meethen we gathered at the girls’ loft to bond and discuss some things.

I did not turn up for any more meetings after that. Not because i am lazy, but because i went overseas. Then, i met together with Gen to do up our identities! I guess we got slightly closer. Geneva is quite an inverted person who thinks a lot before she does anything. I am the same. You may think, “Hey, that is great!”, but you have to consider that when both leaders come together, we spent most of our time, thinking. We often have awkward pauses while discussing.

Coming up with cheers is a torture. I am extremely bad with cheers and we were called to come up with at least three cheers. I cracked my brain so many times and i am happy to say that i came out with two cheers that the freshies are really confident in and co-written the next two cheers.

Now let me jump right into the camp.

I entered the camp on the 14th of April. It was day 0. Some of us were late, hence, the main comm made us do 30 pushups. Then, we went on to prepare our performances. I wanted to join my close friend’s group; they were doing rick roll and it looked fun. Instead, i went to the swag team. Everyone’s dance were messy and it was going nowhere. We struggled and struggled until we decided on Big Bang’s Fantastic Baby. However, it was still bad, but we stopped practicing for we ran out of time. We then had a few minutes to buy sweets for our freshies then we came back to do up our identities. That night, we had a debrief that dragged out to 12+.

First day. Well, i was extremely excited. I was talking a lot of crap to the freshies. I spent a lot of time memorizing my freshies’ names. So i was really high, i was this slapstick guy. At first, things were still fine, but after lunch, i got really discouraged and tired. They were still not bonded and was complaining about the programs. I guess they were tired. After all, every single station calls them to give a cheer. We even had cheer battles. It was this point when i felt really insecure. All the other district’s cheers were longer than our’s and they were louder too.
I really don’t know what to do. I tried and tried to fill up awkward silences with my voice, but nothing seems to work.

We then had a meeting with the lecturers over dinner. So i handled the DE school. Well, i felt that it was easier to talk to them, it feels better to speak to people you haven’t put in effort to love than to speak to people you tried to love over and over again.

Then came the night walk. The main comm had a problem with location and they had a huge delay. So the first group that went through the night walk went at around 11. I sent my freshiesΒ  back to the loft at 12. They were complaining and it annoys me. They had no idea how much effort was put in so that they could enjoy the camp. Well, i made a new friend in the process of bringing them back. That’s great.

I then stayed at the block 50 lecture theater to facilitate stuff. I didn’t do much, the most rewarding one was that i comforted a freshie who was so scared, she cried. I have her high fives and talked about anime and dramas that we watched. I am hard that her mind is off the walk. I slept really late on the first day.

Second day passed by really fast. Six games were enough for the whole day. Something amazing happened, the whole group came together to plan the performance. I was trying so hard to see that the thing that i need to do is to take one step back and let them do the talking.

They then were pretty surprised that the “nightwalk” was actually a hop night. I concluded that i do not like clubs. Though i had fun dancing around, i find more pleasure serving those not dancing.

The group crossbunked to talk, Geneva led a great Eye Candy chat. The group came together once again.

On the last day, we played some wet games and it was shoik! The GLs came together to do final preparation for the performance yesterday, thinking that we will perform yesterday. This was when everything came in place and we managed to do decent dance! Fantastic Baby! πŸ™‚

I will miss the people so much. The crazy GLs that does stupid dances. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. I find it amazing that the GLs can simply come together and we will be able to dance together.

You know we have been comparing GLs and Crew since the bringing of the registration. At times, we will think that GLs are better than crews. Of course that isn’t true. During the camp itself the Crews looked like they are really enjoying themselves. Some of us remarked that Crews seems more fun than being a GL.

I thought about it and realised why. Crews have been doing the same thing from bonding camp until the camp itself while the GLs have another point of view. From the bonding camp, we were freshies, playing. In the camp itself, we were GLs, leading a group of 15 people. We invest emotionally to 15 people while they become station masters of each game.

I noted a difference in reaction to the end of camp. We GLs, were extremely down because the freshies were gone while the Crews were delighted that the camp was over. Of course i am delighted that it is over, but i invested emotionally to 10 guys and 5 girls, i am down that they are gone.

This camp has stretched me really hard. I feel like i have just took on a role that i couldn’t have without God.

Why i felt like crying was because i felt regret about doing not being able to get the group together. Yet, i realised that the thing i needed to do was to take a step back and see what is going on.

Just an update, i just received something i have been waiting for for months. Now i am scared of taking the next step, Lord be with me.

-Kelvin-