=82= Melancholic Reflections: Retreat 2014

Well, Retreat was just over, but ya simply this, i felt sincerely disconnected, not with God, but with my friends… I guess i was in a place where i am left out by my good friends… I dunno, but i Have been so  close to them that when something like this happens i felt really bad…

Well, i was a Coach IC for the late bus for retreat. It was quite a nice but scary experience. For it was late at night, we are all sleepy, this included the driver. Well he was quite awake, but i guess with me being paranoid, i constantly woke up to check on the driver and check behind to see if everyone was alright. I guess people like Elle and Joyce saw me and knew i was tired. But thank God we reached there safely and manage to get lots of sleep.

Well i guess it was the free day when i went out with TWISTERS that i felt disconnected. We went to Marchè to eat and i felt left out… 😦 I guess it was mainly because i went to the toilet and couldn’t find anyone anywhere when i came back. Then i was really sad, so i went into the prayer lab with these feelings and i rant to God, I was there telling God about my hurts and my feelings. But God did work! He gave me peace once i got out of that room! I went to the altar call that day and God reminded me of His goodness! And i received unspeakable Joy!

I did mention i was disconnected with my friends right? Yup i was, with my REGULAR friends. I had the privilege to teach Raegan, Ben Ben and Arel how to play bridge. I guess i was closer to them after the retreat! My cell, FOOTSTEPS also became closer during the retreat! FOOTSTEPS, thank you for making my retreat! I really enjoy being able to talk to you all, to be able to share a bond with a cell i never grow up in was something i would treasure! Thank you for making my experience in cell amazing! 😀

To be truthful, i created this blog because a certain person once told me that he wants to create a blog one day and rant about what God has told him. On top of that, because of the loneliness i received in retreat last year, i wanted to write it down so i can be less emotional about it. I went one whole lap back to the end of retreat, i am really lonely once again.

Talking about laps, i was close to another person due to bare bones conference a few years back. Now, when i speak of my experience to that person, he simply rejects my words, “Actually, Kelvin…” I hate the word, ‘actually’ i simply loathe it. Why can’t you listen? Why can’t you understand the concept behind my words rather than rejecting it completely because you don’t think it is applicable? You think you have words of wisdom? Who’s spirit are you speaking it from? And what wonderful wisdom you have displayed. Surprise Surprise, i have that same spirit. What makes you think your words are any better than mine?

“I rather you leave than have me be gone”. I spoke these words because i wanted to stay by your side you idiot! I do not need you to speak words to me, i simply wanted to make sure you were ok. Did you know how many times i needed you to be by my side? You said they needed you more. Did you know i was without support for months? Did you know that i need you too? Did you know how you are with me? Did you know you are worse than a stranger now? Did you know i wanted to be by your side to support you even though you did nothing to support me? Did you know when i helped you and was told to take a step back, i felt so useless? Did you know with your indifference, you have hurt me? How i wished for you to be by my side when i was weeping. How i wished for you to pray for me when no one did. How i wished you were there. Gosh, i am really sick of lukewarm relationships. How i wished we could have fought and ended the relationship, instead of having this happen.

“Wait for him to tell you”. I have waited for ages. I have waited without support. Yet, i received nothing. Not an update. Not even a simple text. How can i continue to wait when he doesn’t want to give me anything anymore. I am worse than a stranger. At least someone new he would put in effort to try to know him/her better. He stopped trying already, what do you want me to do now. There is no value for him to try. I give.

“Do i have to leave the hall, must i?”. I was annoyed, angry, i felt cheated. I was struggling with a broken hip holding on to the man’s leg i was wrestling with. I am not going to let go until you have blessed me. I was determined to sit there until someone chased me out. Someone did. Yet, he did not ask me about my weird behaviour. He did not inquire anything. Perhaps he was too busy. Perhaps someone needed him more than i do.

“Sometimes you feel that you have nothing to offer God, let me tell you, your heart is something that God wants, it is the best offering you can give your God” This was what i received from God through Kennaf. I thank God he did. After the prayer, i sat down on the floor and wept. i simply said “Come on…” and i cried. I felt unworthy to offer my heart. i felt unworthy to offer it to God.

“The shackles will be broken, now it is your choice to declare God’s Lordship” Aaron prayed this prayer over me and i felt a sharp pain at my back. The last time he prayed for me was during retreat two years ago when i was weeping for my family. This time, he spoke with so much more authority and compassion that i have ever heard him prayed. I heard how amazing his prayers are now, people being slain by his prayers. I am glad to have gained a mentor.

“I feel a void inside of you and you are trying to feel that void with things of this world and not God” I was particularly surprised at this prayer, for this prayer was made by my cell kid. Tat Wai prayed the same thing a year ago. I did not really understand then, now i do for it was so much more prominent.

“Hey i want to learn drums, can you teach me?” Sean and Huishi asked me to teach them how to play. For a few months now, i really wanted to have a crash course to start people off playing drums. I wanted to gather material and help people tap out beats and playing rudiments and give them free resources to help them play better. I felt God calling me to do it, but this is such a difficult project, Lord, please empower me.

“Akkkkkkkkkk” I really thank God for my retreat group. Samson got first for the first games and second for the second! I am super duper proud of them! Perhaps making me join the PFP camp wasn’t that bad a decision after all! 🙂 I learned new skills in breaking the ice among awkward people. Maybe because the chemistry among the leaders were really good as well! Darren, Renee and Rachel, thank you for making Samson such a fun group.

“I am being rude to my parents” was what my cell kid said. I would not say exactly what he told me, but i really hope he continues to try to be less rude to his parents.

“I am worried for …” was what my other cell kid told me. It really encouraged me to know that he cares for his cell mates! He has grown to be a fine young man. He understands that the cell is not just the cell leader’s responsibility. He is slowly stepping up to be a leader himself, though he is a late bloomer, i give thanks that he is growing!

“I have a vision ….” what what my friend said to me. I give thanks that he was so open to me. Jaiyou Bro!

“Ya he is very cute” was what i heard someone say. This family that i saw was in my opinion, the closest family of God i have ever seen. The sister is close to the brother. The brother gets made fun off of his OCD. The mother laughs at herself. The father silently serves people and pulls his son to serve them too. The thing that blew my mind was that they were just converted not too long ago! If you see this kind of a family, you can’t help but to admire the parents. I have no idea what they did, but the family is extremely close. I like to pursue this.

“Those who received a full time calling please come to the front” I saw my friends going up. Once again i look on with envy, why can’t God speak to me in ways like that as well?

“Then go up, that is more important” For Bro Leb to say this is something different. Bro Leb who in every sense a great worshipper and a great worship leader, told me to minister to my cell kid even though i had my hands full with drums. I always wanted to have like Bro Leb take over me so that i can pray for my cell kids. So far, that has not happened yet. He did not sit in when i went over to pray for my cell kid.

Thank you for the first retreat i ever served for. Though i made a huge blunder. I really thank God for still moving in that place.

“All it takes is a spark to have a fire going” This was the last prayer i received in the retreat. Johnathan and i wanted to go up to like pastor Julie or pastor Philip to ask for prayer. When i was sitting down, waiting for my bus to be called, i saw pastor Kenny and sis Kwai Cheng being prayed for, behind them, Johnathan was there. I looked at him and gave him eye signals! So i rushed to the front as well! Apparently pastor Julie was rushing for time, but she said, “lets take a photo then i will pray for the both of you” We did. She did not pray any chim prayers or direct, but she prayed for a spark to start. She also prayed that i would not let anyone look down on me because i am young.


But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.”
Matthew 19:14

That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob’s hip was touched near the tendon.
Genesis 32:22-32

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

“For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master’s money. Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here I have made two talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.’ But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’
Matthew 25:14-30

Thank you Father.