=121= Words of Melancholy: Disqualified

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

1 Corinthians‬ ‭9‬:‭24-27‬ NIV

What a reminder.

=120= Words of Melancholy: Passive

I need to remember, stop waiting on the perfect moment. There is none. If you are waiting for the perfect moment to serve, you are waiting in vain. There will be things you struggle with in different points of your life.

Always waiting on the perfect moment, always being so careful you will regret it. You are an idiot if you are always putting things tomorrow. Why are you always looking for the right moment, right vibe, right atmosphere? Sheesh, go all out, get out of your shell! Do not be passive, only to regret it later on.

I hate being so useless and passive at a time like this. God, why am I so useless? No what is worse, I am passive! God, I really can’t stand myself now. I am in such a horrible place. Lord, won’t you give me courage and strength? So I can give others courage and strength.

=119= Melancholic Reflections: Single

Okay, people who reads my blog, please don’t report me to PJ or Elsa or BroBert over the last post! I am not in love with a girl named Quinn. She is simply a fictional character in my story. I simply wanted to point out in the story that having a perfect day everyday isn’t exactly great. For one, we are creatures that change. We thrive on change. We change our facial expressions, we change our appearance as we grow older. Our ideal day changes over time. For one madly in love, an ideal day would be to spend it with your crush. For one whose career is going well, an ideal day is to have a promotion. What constitutes a good and bad day will change over time. Not only that having all ups is boring. If everything goes well for me it is going to be really boring.

Now let’s talk about what this post is exactly about. Ok let’s start with this. I am really comfortable being single right now.

Gosh, I can’t believe that I am saying this. I am very comfortable with my life being single. Since I was primary 5, I always envied people who had relationships. I had crushes that I liked for years. I wanted to get into one SO badly. Haha, if I told you about the things I did to get closer to the girl I liked you will laugh at me! I was an idiot.

It was until a recent event(within a year I promise) that forced me to take a step back and really think about my priorities and commitments. I took a step back to see what an idiot I really was. I hated being single; I hated being lonely(I do still hate being lonely). Now, after everything is kinda resolved(at least 85% I promise), I kinda like being single.

After the event, I started to observe girls more. Not checking girls out, but simply observing them. Like I would observe if a girl is secure or insecure, superficial or real, how one initiated things, how one serves people. I simply started to observe girls and how they interact with people(girls and guys), I started to learn from what I observed. Not that I am able to judge if a girl is bad or good(it would be outrageous to do so), I start to observe how what she does or behaves either attracts or repels me. Now here is the cherry to top it off—because I started observing, I noticed MANY attractive girls and women. I began to stop observing and started to admire them instead.

When you admire them, you tend to do things to catch their attention. I do some stupid things, that I am not proud of, to catch their attention. So ya, sometimes I act like an idiot so as to make the girl I admire laugh or notice me. Ok, perhaps this is a bad behavior. I may have to stop this. Haha! 😛

Singleness allowed me to be able to learn how to interact with guys as well. I guess this is part of the reason why I am thankful that I was placed into an all boys cell. I learned how to be crazy and real before the guys that I lead—something that I could never learn leading a mixed cell.

I have plenty of time to do the things I like as well. I love swimming! Having water all over your body, hearing nothing but the sound of water and your own breath is extremely therapeutic.

This may be a weird season for me, but ya, I am just going to enjoy myself enjoying being single until I warmed up to a person whom I admire and my mentors all give me the green light to. Until then, you can bet that I am
Going to enjoy my single life to the fullest! Thank God for singleness! 🙂

-Kelvin-

=118= Words of Melancholy: Choice

“Which would you choose?” She asked me. Her face looked extremely depressed and almost in tears.

What? Why is she about to cry? Of course I would choose the latter! Who would choose to have it difficult?

“I choose having an eternity of the best day of my life.” I answered with confidence.

“Are you sure? It will be the same day everyday…” She said something after that, but I could not make it out. Something about wanting a difficult life. Looks like she is trying to discourage me from choosing the eternity.

“Yes I am sure! Let’s have the best day!”

I blanked out. I have no memory of anything happening urging this period.

I squinted as light poured into my eyes. I tried to make out my surroundings but they are all very foreign to me. It is not my bedroom, but I am not complaining; this is the nicest bedroom I have ever seen! Wow! The bed I was sleeping on was extremely comfortable. It is donned with golden sheets and a warm red blanket. Pillows were so fluffy. I felt like going back to sleep for an hour again but a voice stopped me. “Hey Lazy Bones! Stop sleeping!”

I turned around. It was Quinn. Gosh, she is gorgeous! She was wearing a plain blue t-shirt with FBTs and had no make up on, but she looked so good wearing them. How can someone look so good wearing sleeping clothes? Maybe it is her roast almond hair and big brown eyes that really compliments her t-shirt? I stopped myself to just admire her beauty.

“What?” She noticed I was staring. “Something on my face?”

“Haha, nothing, just looking at how beautiful you are!” I answered.

She blushed. “Of course, don’t you know I am the prettiest girl in the world! Hahahaha!” She said jokingly but she is to me.

“What is going on?” I realised that this was very strange. How did we get here? Didn’t she just ask me about what I would choose?

“I made breakfast already! Your favorite scrambled eggs!” She said cheerily.

“Didn’t you just ask me a question like just now?” I was still puzzled.

“What question?” She too looked puzzled.

“Ah never mind! Let’s have breakfast!” Pushing the question aside.

The scrambled eggs was the best I ever had. So good. So fluffy. The next best thing was the Milo. I can’t stand coffee and I did not like tea. I really enjoyed Milo though! Chocolatey and gives me energy. With the right amounts of milk and Milo power, taste just right! And to top it off, it was all made by Quinn. Gosh, am I lucky to have her as my girlfriend.

After breakfast we went shopping. Apparently we were buying a present for someone but I had no idea who. She refused to tell me who. Hence, I simply enjoyed myself as we went to server alr malls to search for a present. I gathered that it was for a lady, older than us and that is it. Really fun though! We kept laughing at each other’s jokes.

After a long time of shopping, we went to the food court to have lunch. She was so cute as she sat in front of me. She had Thai food as I had this weird mixed rice thing. I really do enjoy having lunch with her. I can eat her leftovers! Hehe!

We then drove to beach. Apparently, there was some flea market thing going on at the mall near the beach, so we walked there. I thought it was going to be a drag, but there stalls selling watches as well. I bought like two watches from the market. Quinn bought like 5 dresses, oh well, it does look good on her! Wow, but it was such a great day!

After putting our buys into the car, we went for a stroll down the beach. We slowly walked and finally sat down on the sand. She put her head on my shoulder and leaned against me. She doesn’t know this, but I really enjoy it when she does this, it makes me feel needed and close to her. The sunset was perfect. There were little clouds. The rays of velvet just made it so romantic. A playful idea just popped into my head.

“Hey Quinn, can I kiss you?” I said playfully.

She lifted her head immediately. She gave me a coy smile and said no. Then she elaborated on why. Like how I was insincere about it.

So I held her hand and said, “Dear Quinn, I love you, you are very beautiful. I think you are perfect. You are cute, you have an amazing personality and you are my girl friend. Wow! You are my girlfriend! I can’t believe you are my girlfriend!” Then as I looked straight into her eyes I said, “may I kiss you?”

She blushed and smiled. Then said yes. So I moved my head forward. As my lips touched her pink lips, I blanked out.

Light got into my eyes again. Then I heard Quinn’s voice, “Hey Lazy Bones! Stop sleeping!”

I jumped up. Wait, didn’t this just happen? I was really puzzled. I asked Quinn, but she found me crazy.

Then everything happened the same. The great breakfast. Shopping. Lunch. Market. Beach. Then I blanked out right after my lips touch her lips. Then I return to the bed with light going into my eyes again.

I realised what caused this. Quinn’s question. I said I wanted an eternity of the best day, so it happened again and again.

I tried to do things differently, but every time I tried something different, I will blank out and return back to the bed.

Everything is the same everyday. Bed. Breakfast. Shopping. Lunch. Market. Beach. Kiss then blank out. The only thing I can control is how early I can blank out. As long as I tried something different, I will return to that bed.

.

.

.

I lost count of how many days or times I blanked out and returned to the bed. It was boring. Having the same day everyday is a curse. I try to kill myself, but I simply blank out and return to the bed. How am I going to do the other things that I wanted to do in my life? I want to travel overseas. I want to learn a new musical instrument, guitar or something! But no. Everyday is the same. -sigh-

Perhaps having a normal life with difficulties is not that bad after all.

I blanked out.

=117= Words of Melancholy: Emptiness

“Hey what are you watching?” A voice that came from the back startled me. It sounded like a female’s voice, not bright like a little girl, but it still had the sweetness to it.

It was strange. I was alone at home. My family went to Malaysia without me, there should not be anyone at home. Not only that, the question itself was strange. I was not on the computer, I was not watching TV, I was not watching anything in particular, I was just stoning on the couch.

As I turned around, I have both feelings of fear and happiness. Fear because I was uncertain if the person or thing that spoke was even physical. I had this thing for ghosts, I was extremely terrified of them. At the same time, I was glad that I wasn’t alone. Being the only one at home is really such a bore.

There was no one there.

Crap. I jumped out of my couch. What happened? I was still trying to figure out who and what had spoke when it spoke again, “Is watching this important?”

Our of fear and confusion, I shouted out into thin air, “Who are you?!”

“Does it matter who I am?” She or it replied.

“Where are you?” I asked while waving my arms around.

“Does it matter where I am?”

I freaked out. I ran out of my house.

As I ran to the park, I grew tired and started to walk. I gained composure and started to piece what happened altogether. Ok, a random voice just spoke, no body, no figure just a voice. I started to think of the possibilities.

Could it be a ghost? Well, he/she/it could have done a better job scaring me, I mean it(I am going to stick with ‘it’) did not even say anything really scary.

Could it be a friend that is trying to be funny and it was all a prank? Nah, that voice was very distinct and I never heard it before.

Could it be….

I did think for a good half an hour and I still could not come up with a proper explanation that made any sense. Now I am in a dilemma, I couldn’t go back home, I couldn’t go to my friend’s houses because what reason would I give them?

Luckily I brought my wallet out as I left, I could at least buy a drink and sit down at the coffee shop. So I stood up and directed my steps to the coffee shop.

“So what are you watching now?” The voice spoke out of nowhere.

“Oh my gosh!” I yelled.

“Wait wait wait! I do not mean to scare you!” Said the voice.

“Then what do you want?” I asked.

“To ask what are you watching” it answered.

“What?” The concept was just so silly.

“What are you watching?” It asked once again.

“NOTHING!” I exasperated.

“Exactly”

The voice stopped.

=116= Comfort Songs: Unashamed

Unashamed by Starfield
I have not much
To offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth

Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend
Your mercy sets me free

And I know I’m weak
I know I’m unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed

I can’t explain
This kind of love
I’m humbled and amazed
That You’d come down
From heavens heights
And greet me face to face

Here I am at Your feet
In my brokeness complete


Let’s just say today isn’t a very good day.