=114= Melancholic Reflections: Deterence

If a man’s biggest temptation is to be passive, a woman’s biggest temptation is to take control
Joshua Harris

Well, remembered this quote from this Joshua Harris’ book I read a year ago. I realised something since then. Passiveness for a guy is not just the biggest temptation, it is the biggest deterrence. A wishy washy guy is the worse. Someone that can’t make up his mind. Someone that can’t make decisions. We are called to lead. Not please everyone in the process. Don’t even get me started on guys that are passive aggressive. Gosh, such an unattractive quality in a person.

I realised that it is better for me to be in touch with my emotions and feelings than to lock it up an act as if everything is ok. If I am getting annoyed with someone, I will tell someone I trust about it. People who keeps their thoughts and feelings to themselves are locking themselves up in a shell; not giving anyone a chance to go on a deeper level with them. If I put on this shell, I am in every case being passive—I want people to approach me, I do not want to approach people.

I also found in me an ability to be loud when I have to. People who knows me knows that I am actually an introvert. I much rather like to listen than to talk. However, some circumstances and situations requires me to speak(camps when you need to rah rah, someone is going to jump off a building), and in those times, if I do not speak, I am being passive and not loving.

There are tons of articles that say that listening is an attractive quality. We need to listen. Etc etc. the reason for those articles is this, people aren’t listening before they speak. If you do not actively listen, how are you gonna speak the right words? However, listening all the time and not speaking out when you have to isn’t good either.

Actually passiveness isn’t an action(ironic much?). You do not actively decide to be passive. If you actively decide to not do anything, that is active waiting, which is a whole other concept. Passiveness grounds from laziness. Anyone that enjoys listening would know, how listening is easier than speaking. So when we are tasked to speak, we are lazy and reject the offer. We make excuses to not speak; “nah, what if I speak the wrong thing?” “I am not good at speaking”.

Perhaps I am too harsh. I apologize. Part of the reason I wrote this post was to rebuke myself as well. I am a long time offender of being passive; being unable to make decisions without everyone’s consent. This is an area I need to grow in as well.

-Kelvin-

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=113= Melancholic Reflections: Curse

Kiat said something very interesting. He said that because he studied and knows about planes and how accidents happens, he is very scared to be a passenger of a flight. He found it to be a curse. I went down this train of thought I realised how knowing about something would remove the pleasure of something.

Playing an instrument for example. Before you played an instrument, you are not as aware of wrong chords, wrong tempo etc etc—things that non-musicians/audiophiles would not pick up. After learning it, you become more aware of errors and mistakes. The music that you were once okay with suddenly became horrible to you. Sure, that removed the pleasure of being able to enjoy music with mistakes, but does that mean that it removes the pleasure of listening to music altogether? Of course not! Once you know about how difficult it is to play certain parts or playing together as a band, you learn to appreciate really good music with more awe.

I once read this statement, “doctors are the worse patients”. This is because the doctors know what they are dealing with and so when they are in the place of a patient, they know exactly what a doctor is doing right or wrong. This could lead to distrust of the doctor. Yet another curse.

This is exceptionally interesting because this applies to everything. Knowing how to drive makes you more scared when you are not driving. It is sad that a pleasure is taken away from you, but another form of pleasure is resurfaced. For a musician, you get the joy of playing an instrument and playing together as a band. For a driver, you get the pleasure of driving a car. For a doctor, you get the pleasure of being able to serve your own patients.

This curse is good, for it is only after learning it that you understand what is right and what is wrong. This knowledge of right and wrong helps you to not be a fool, ignorant of it, but still commenting about the subject. You will be able to discern better after knowing what is good and bad.

-Kelvin-

=112= Melancholic Reflections: Trip

Such an amazing trip! 🙂

I shall start at the start. It all started during leader’s retreat. I was reflecting on how i managed myself last year with simply two ministry(+homework club). I have such a bad record; I kept having panic attacks, feeling lonely etc etc. So when we were given the chance to pick our “CCA” I did not want to pick any. So i returned the empty slip of paper back to K. He saw it and asked, “why not?” He then suggested that i go on a mission trip instead. He told me that in the years to come, if i do not choose to go now i would not go for it if the opportunity was presented to me. He also said that people who went for a mission trip has a different view on ministry. That when the years come, i will only have a very closed up view while people will be speaking of the amazing things God has done on the trip. So being persuaded like that, how can one not go? Haha! So i decided to go for the September one because my holidays will be then and a friend asked me(in the end, she did not go.. :<).

So i simply entered the mission trip with no experience whatsoever. No background in planning for events. No background in preparing logistics. No background in planning children’s program. No idea what would happen. The first meeting already showed me how inexperienced i was. I got the role of planning a children’s program and logistics.

Here comes the first big obstacle, J and I have trouble planning for the children’s program. J is very skilled in planning. to a point where i felt like i was not doing much. Trouble is we both do not know how to plan for a program where there is no fixed time, no set budget, no fixed size and no fixed age. So we discussed over and over, scraping ideas here, taking things away here and there. Even until the start of the trip we still do not know what would happen even though we planned so much.

Next obstacle was fighting against time and work. The crunch time for Poly was really close to the trip. i struggled so much to manage both work and ministry. To top it off, i have this trip to plan for. Right before my presentation week, i need to go to Aussie to attend my sister’s graduation. Hence missing a meeting. Then, two weeks later, i have a trip to Hong Kong. Hence, missing another meeting. When i got back, everyone was already in choleric mode doing things, getting logs while i was still catching up. So i simply did whatever they needed me to do; cut cloth, run through games, buy markers etc etc. That particular week, i was serving in CAMY as well. I decided to because i would feel really bad if i made L sub me and serve 3 weeks in a row. So that proposed yet another problem, I have to split my attention to both this trip and CAMY. So i really felt like i did not contribute much to the preparations.

A thing i did during this period which i am very thankful for was that i asked for prayer from my mentors and the worship team. I was really flipping out when i realised that it was a week to the mission trip. I was extremely stressed with so many things undone. Thank you for your prayers! 🙂

I was really afraid as i went to the airport. I was paranoid. What if i lose my passport? What if my programs suck? What if working with them is difficult? Again and again i questioned myself. I was crapping myself(Ok, not literally). I am very thankful that my cell kid was there to play with me so as to relieve my stress. I showed K the extremely scared face and he said he realised. Well, all the way to the plane!

I watched an episode of Big Bang Theory then watched The Fault in Our Stars. Such a nice movie. such great acting with a great representation of pain. checked out Kenny Khoo’s album, not bad, but i am not sure if i would purchase it. Then, i did the most genius thing one can do, i left my jacket on the plane… -.- -sigh- Oh well, time to buy a new jacket, but what a great start to the trip…. 😦 I simply got over it and collected my bags. We then met PD at the airport and he already cracked a joke! He called the bottled water sky juice! We had a 5 hour bus ride to the hotel in V. It was pretty comfortable. When we finally reached the hotel, i just conked out.

When i woke up, we had devotions in the morning–a practice that is pretty foreign to me, for i like to have it at night where i can thank God for the day–but i saw how it benefited us, it really set the tone of the day. The best example was when JK did devotions and pointed out that we have not been praying very much on the trip and on that day we became more prayerful and everything well WAY smoother than yesterday! The first day of devotions, they asked to share one thing we expected out of the trip. I shared that i wanted some direction for my life and to be able to witness that my God is a global God.

I will now describe the different events or highlights:

The first heart attack came when we went for the believer’s meeting. We went there and there were many children there. So SR asked if we could do the children’s program. We did not bring any logistics there, so i freaked out. We brought them to the backyard of the house. I have no idea what to do. I stared at the people there with me(JK, I, E, P, SS). So we started with the song, they were giving very stoned expressions, but they still tried to do the actions with us! Then we tried to play eagle catch small chickens(老鹰抓小鸡). They were so into it! Then we played Mr Fox says because they thought we meant Fox when we were describing a Wolf to the translator. They were rolling in the dirt but they were ok with it! Finally we played freeze and melt. All three games were a HUGE encouragement to me. We did not plan like two out of three games, but they enjoyed it nevertheless. I decided not to be so stressed with doing things and that helped me to let go and let God take over.

The Outreach program. I went there being anxious. Once again, i simply enjoyed myself and became really silly like i was back in the PFP camp. When they were trying to come up with cheers, i tried to learn it. The group i talked to tried Oppa Gangnam style! Then for the other groups i talked to, i tried to learn their cheers/dance, they laughed at me. Then, for the games, i had this very cute boy with a scar on his face that kept asking for ‘gems’ even though he did not play the game. After the game ended, he offered to help me pack up my erasers, i really wanted to give him a gem after he helped me, but i had no more, so i gave him an eraser instead. We ate this rice with some sambal sauce, the sauce was so good i think i had more sauce then rice!

The second Outreach program. This was the day when K pointed out that we were not really praying very often. So we prayed consistently on this day. God blessed us with a VERY good translator, R. She was able to understand everything very well and helped us to explain it in Tamil. T also gave us some tips to add Christ into the program without being too pushy about it. So i drew a cross on the paper, but most of them were distracted by the girl i drew as well. One boy saw and asked if i was a christian, i said yup and he gave me the “Ok, everyone is entitled to their own beliefs” face. This crowd were more conservative compared to the first outreach, but they still had the competitive spirit. Some were very playful and bugged me to give them a gem. This was also the day i fell in love with the dragon mixed rice and pineapple rice. Best pineapple rice i had! So much flavour of pineapple in the rice and the dragon mixed rice was so good! The principal or supervisor said that this was a healing program for them. I did not know that the war only ended 4 years ago.

The workshops. I was struggling with my testimony and my workshops as well. There were some content that i wanted to put in but i did not dare to; i really did not want to be THAT vulnerable with the SL people. I got over it and just went with what i wrote. it was simple, but i was really thankful that they appreciated it. i will share more on my testimony later. The adults in this meeting were very competitive during games as well, i remembered that they were playing Blow wind blow and they were more excited than a lot of people back in Singapore. Here i also met R, a farmer, whose family is in I in the refuge camps. He had some problems with the approval of his farm so he went to C and got it settled now he is starting afresh. He finds it difficult to serve God while having so much on his hand. I was really thankful that i finally had a decent conversation with a local.

The second believer’s meeting. I was with the kids again. however, this time, there were not enough space to run and it was already dark so running is dangerous. So we went into the room. I was tasked to tell the story of David and Goliath. We never really thought it through, so we started with the story first. 😛 They were really engaged! However, we have no idea how to transit from the story to prayer. So J said his piece about defeating giants, but it was still awkward so i said my piece on the demonstration of having a small boy push E down, yet it was still awkward. Thankfully T was there to help us! 🙂 After saying the sinner’s prayer. We sang “My God is so Big” and “With Christ in the Vessel”. They were way more responsive than the last group during the song as they tried to sing along as well! Then we played, J Says, E Says, Poison dancing toy and Mr Fox says. Everyone that was there really got a lot of joy from playing with the kids.

The youth camp. I had to prepare logs for each game. So ya once again, the people were very enthusiastic. A very cute boy took a photo of me. I was able to pray for him during the altar call.

The third believer’s meeting. This time, there weren’t a lot of kids so we all attended the adults side. It was alright! Pretty cool. Prayed for this old man at the back.

My Testimony sharing. I was tasked to give my testimony, i really wanted to add in something, but i did not want to as well. it was like i had two different voices fighting in my head. In the end, i decided to go with what i had. As i shared, i felt release. I felt a little breakthrough in my spirit. I realised that the argument was in my head. God was telling me that he could use any little things for his work. So after i gave it, a huge burden was off my back, and it was so much lighter.

The team. During the debrief, i wanted to share something about PD, but before i shared, E already shared. So nevertheless, i still shared about him and I have no idea why, but i shared about my direction. I did not get my direction…. but it is less murky now. I wanted a longer timeline but God called me to do the simple things and do the little things for him right now in the present. God told me to focus on these and trust in Him. I and SR also shared their experiences. i became more open with the team and i admitted my insecurities about being unable to articulate my thoughts clearly. I realised that i have a trust issue. I will speak more about it later.

PD. I think i look out for role models whom i can learn from very often. PD is such an amazing person whom i really would want to learn from. He cares so much for people and does God’s work so fervently; he has an orphanage, A, which was closed down due to people slandering him, but he got news that A is reopening! He had such joy that it was so inspiring. He keeps telling funny stories and cold jokes! He is definitely a person i want to be.


Well, i said all that i wanted to say about the trip. Now i want to speak about myself; about what i have found out about myself:
– I have trust issues. I did not realise this, but when i said it during the debrief, that was a truth that i knew deep down. I have trust issues. -sigh- I really have so many problems. The reason i found so difficult to work with so many people was because that i simply did not trust them enough, as a result, not trusting them becomes a deterrence to them.

– I have abandonment issues. Ok, not new, but i realised that this somehow developed into another quality; I like to protect people. I was reflecting and i saw how much i liked to be at the back because i am able to see them and protect them. I know it will kill me if any of them were lost because of me. I also realised that i really care if someone finds me annoying or if i hurt someone.

– I have problems articulating my thoughts clearly. I understand things, but i have problems being able to speak of it clearly. Perhaps this is the direction of my mentorship!

– I have to start being more faithful in the small things God has called me to do

– I need to be more initiative

– I need to learn how to communicate with people

– I need to stop saying “sorry”

Oh and i was really happy that a very pretty stewardess remembered me. She was afraid when there was turbulence back on the way there. Then she was very friendly to me on my way back! She offered me a cup of water even though i did not ask for it. Ok, maybe i am thinking too much, but she was really pretty!

– I need to be less distracted (Hehe)

– Now(In Singapore), i have to be more prayerful. MUCH more prayerful.

 

Thank you for this trip Lord! 🙂

-Kelvin-

=111= Comfort Songs: 你不是真正的快樂You Are Not Truly Happy

你不是真正的快樂You Are Not Truly Happy

人群中哭著 妳只想變成透明的顏色

妳再也不會夢或痛或心痛了
妳已經決定了 妳已經決定了

你靜靜忍著 緊緊把昨天在拳心握著
而回憶愈是甜就是愈傷人
愈是在手心留下密密麻麻深深淺淺的刀割

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是妳穿的保護色
妳決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把妳的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

這世界笑了 於是妳合群的一起笑了
當生存是規則不是妳的選擇
於是妳含著眼淚飄飄盪蕩跌跌撞撞的走著

你不是真正的快樂 你的笑只是妳穿的保護色
妳決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把妳的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

你不是真正的快樂 你的傷口不肯完全的癒合
我站在妳左側卻像隔著銀河
難道緊緊的抱著遺憾一直到老了 然後再後悔著

妳值得真正的快樂 妳應該脫下妳穿的保護色
為什麼失去了 還要被懲罰呢
能不能就讓悲傷全部結束在此刻 重新開始活著

 

Crying in the crowd, you just want to become invisible
You won’t dream, or ache, or be brokenhearted,
You’ve decided, you’ve already decided

You quietly endure, tightly grasping yesterday in your fist
And the sweeter the memories the more they hurt,
The more they leave numerous and profound cuts in your hand

You’re not truly happy, your smile is just a disguise you wear
You’ve decided not to hate, and decided not to love,
Your soul forever locked away

This world laughs, and so you laugh along with everyone
As though survival is a requirement, not your choice,
And so in tears you drift and stumble on

You’re not truly happy, your smile is just a disguise you wear
You’ve decided not to hate, and decided not to love,
Your soul forever locked away

You’re not truly happy, your wounds are unwilling to be completely healed
I stand beside you but it’s like we’re separated by a galaxy,
Will you tightly hold your remorse until you’ve grown old, and then still regret

You deserve true happiness, you should pull off that disguise you wear
Why after loss must you also be penalized
Can you let your agony end at this moment, and start to live again


 

Amazing. To tell the truth, i always struggle to buy albums from the same group or artist, because for some albums they really disappoint me. Mayday proved that a band can have songs that are amazing on ALL their albums. So consistent and great. Kudos to Mayday. I am really close to declaring that Mayday is my favourite band. This song has such meaning. This song totally expressed my thoughts on people putting up a strong front. I know i am supposed to do mission trip stuff, but ya, really needed the break.

-Kelvin-