=144= Melancholic Reflections: Identity

Yesterday, we shared on our past year. I shared on a few struggles i had this year. The first being finding colour/flavour in life. It is a funny word to use because it is not that i do not have meaning in life, it is because i do not find the meaning meaningful. I had to reset myself almost from ground zero. It was probably the toughest thing for me to do yet. In this season, i slowly changed from Choleric to Sanguine. Finding colour, is extremely difficult. It is like a person who is colour blind trying to see Red or a person who can’t taste trying to taste saltiness. I felt as if i have been stripped off of everything and had to find it again. It was so painful.

After finding a bit of colour, I wanted purpose. Not meaning, purpose. Meaning is the reason for living, purpose is a bit more specific(at least in my own dictionary). In my walk, i know i wanted to do something big for God. I want to do something that can revolutionise the world or the community. Perhaps my greatest fear is like Augustus, I am afraid of Oblivion. I do not want to leave this life without at least having an impact on someone. So i wanted something kinda like a full time calling. I see people like Esna doing such an amazing thing and i am envious. I see people being so sure of what they want to do in their lives that i am so anxious. How can i live this life without a plan? So i sought the Lord, i sought after him again and again, kept asking him for something to hold on to; for a calling. However, the Lord knows me so well and did not give me what i want. Instead, he gave me a different kind of calling, He told me to focus on the present and touch the people in my circle now instead of thinking so far ahead. The affirmation that i got for this was crazy. Almost everyone i shared this with encouraged me and shared their past experience on a similar occurrence with me. Ok Lord, Now is Now.

Elsa concluded everything in one word, Identity. It was a year on Identity. Well, it took a year, but i more or less found what i want to do. Lord, may you bless me with a year of great harvest next year? I will post something on LC soon, maybe two weeks from now, after i have my last LC of the year! 🙂

-Kelvin-

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