=158= Melancholic Reflections: Right

Lord, thank you for using me.

I went to G2 today to watch the trainees do their thing and watch them play, however God gave me another assignment. On my way back from the toilet, I noticed a guy pacing around at the entrance. He seemed troubled and I simply went up to him and asked him how he was.

He told me that he is alright, that he just felt useless. This surprised me. I mean there are very few people who would be so vulnerable at such a short period of time. He then told me that it was not as a person but relationship wise. He seemed unwilling to share about his relationship, so I did not press on much. He looked like he needed someone to talk to, so I continued to talk to him.

We simply continued to chat. He told me how he had a mental disease and that affects the relationship with him and his girlfriend. He told me how he has plans with his girlfriend to get married and all. He also told me that he has intentions to become a Christian. He told me how much he struggles to find time for his girlfriend as he works in NTUC. He asked if he was a bad person. He asked if I thought if he and his girlfriend would get married. He shared that he wanted to be a psychologist. He shared a lot and was very careful with the words he used.

I concluded a few things:
1. He has extremely low self esteem and confidence.
Well, as I continued to chat with him, I realised that he kept putting himself down. He kept asking questions about his worth. He kept thinking that he is not worth much. Truth is that God loves him and he is worth WAY more that he has ever thought.

2. His affections for his girlfriend is extremely unhealthy.
He is madly in love with his girlfriend. In fact “madly” is used literally. He is constantly thinking about her. To a point where he asked if they would be together in heaven with his girlfriend. He revealed that the reason he wanted to become a Christian is because he wanted to be in heaven with his girlfriend forever. He gets extremely jealous when his girlfriend speak to other guys. He wants to teach his girlfriend that being faithful is important in a relationship—and he complains that his girlfriend does not get it. He told me that he would invite me to his wedding in the future and let me see that they will get married. I asked about his job timings and he told me 9am-3pm, so I asked him what does he do in the leftover time, he told me he would find time for his girlfriend. His girlfriend told him that she is going to a church in Bukit Batok to see her friend perform. He went to four different churches just to find his girlfriend. He constantly thinks he knows his girlfriend very well; thinking that his girlfriend would not want to break up with him. Thinking that she is just being stubborn. Well, he is a bit over possessive.

3. He has dreams too.
He himself doesn’t know this. That marriage is not the only thing. I told him but he did not absorb it. He has dreams too. He wanted to be a psychologist because he wanted to be like Sherlock Holmes. He wants to have a healthy life. Having these dreams are fine! He wants to get married, that is fine too! However, he is too focused on one dream and neglecting the others. He said that it is because one of the dreams are about to pass that he is so anxious over it.

4. He is afraid of being single
This not much about losing the girl. This is fear of going back to a place where he is alone. He has been together with this girl for 1 and a half years. That is a long time to get comfortable with being attached. The comfort and assurance that was provided for by his girlfriend is not something he would want to ever give up.

5. He has a bad misinterpretation of Carpe Diem.
Many and I mean many of the media nowadays kept pushing people to do whatever they liked to, because you would not want to be an old man full of regrets. So now teens and kids have been more ‘courageous’ and taking ‘leaps of faith’ to confess to a girl. He has really weird thoughts. Like if his girlfriend told him not to join her, he would see this as a test. After asking him to leave, he sees it as a test to see if he would stay behind and wait. He keeps on thinking that if he does not do this now, he would regret it the rest of his life. The truth is that in this life, there will be regrets. However, if you always live by this, your mind is to no use at all. If you always follow your heart and not your mind, you are just an animal.

I was really sad that I missed every single song that the trainees played. I was trying to convince him to enter the chapel but he would not enter for he felt that it would humiliate his girlfriend. It was a battle ground for me too. Do you walk away from a chance to minister, or minister? No it is not that easy. Will you rather do the Lord’s work or enjoy yourself? Will you act out in faith or ‘receive’?

It was painful for me for I had a relationship with every single one of the trainees. It did not just go because I wanted to support this guy, I went because I wanted to support everyone! I had great hopes for them. I wanted to see how they managed to get themselves out of the rut. I wanted to see them enjoying themselves while worshiping God. I wanted to see how my boys improved. I wanted to see how they are able to lead people to worship. I wanted to worship God. However, God gave me this assignment so I shall follow Him. I will be able to stand before Him on judgement day and said that I did the right thing today.

Lord, how can I do anything? Father please use me! I was very thankful that he told me that he prayed to Jesus to help him with this issue, and he guess that it worked. Thank you for using me Lord! Thank you so much for the gift of conversation! It is a delightful gift! Allow me to make wonderful relationships with people! Thank you Lord!

-Kelvin-

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=157= Words of Melancholy: Thrown

Dear friend, why have you thrown away your calling?

Yesterday night, I went through my collection of cards and notes that I have collected over the years. My heart ached. Many of them had stopped talking to me. Many of them have backslided. However, I saw a note that I was given after an amazing retreat where we shared on our pain and our cell was ministered to and members started to come back! My friend told me to continue to press on for them.

However, years later, my friend stopped. The once burdened and loving friend has thrown away the calling that he/she had(I am unwilling to reveal who it is, or even give a little info to let you guess who is it).

My friend, why have you thrown away your calling? Didn’t you want to do great things for the Lord? Why did you burn out and stop relying on Him? Indifference is poison. People who search their entire faith and decides to reclaim their faith have the comfort of saying that they have sought and not found, but people who are indifferent cannot say anything like that. They are just lukewarm.

Lukewarm is disgusting. How can you be in a place where you claim that you are Christian but not acting like one? My friend, it hurts me to say see you throw away your calling. Throwing away your calling affects everyone around you. Just like how there was a storm because Jonah was in the boat(ok bad analogy). If you throw away your calling and your service to the Lord, that ministry suffers. I always think that it is better to not commit to something than to commit and give only half best. However, when you are in a place when you have too many ministries and your studies suffer, you should not just drop everything. First talk to someone with the authority to let you drop. See if there is a need. If there isn’t, drop. If there is, stay until there is someone to take over you. Do not be irresponsible to let someone handle all the bad stuff. Even if you do not believe in some things that the ministry does, do the right thing. Stand strong until someone can take over you. This will show character and perseverance. It is better to do the right thing when you do not want to, than to do the wrong thing when you want to. If you have been doing the right thing all these while no one can comment!

A calling is not super duper crazy spiritual intervention. Sometimes God just calls us to the simple things. Go bless someone every week. Go help someone in need. Go take initiative to go up to him/her to ask if he/she is okay. Sometimes, a calling is basically doing what is right in your heart. I strongly believe that everyone has a moral standard that they follow. Whether is it Christian Law, Muslim Law or pure instinct, so not following it is stupid. People have an idea if what they are doing is right or not.

My friend, go with your heart, will you be able to say that you are doing right? Have you been loving? Or do you feel like crap?