It was my first time saying a prayer to end worship today. I wasn’t nervous at all, I know what I wanted to say. Halfway through the set after Kiat’s prayer, the thought about praying for next year came into my mind.
When I started, I held a tone of admiration for the Lord. Giving thanks for being by our side as we worship. Immediately after I prepared myself for prayer, I felt a flood of emotions come in. It was as though I was not worshipping God for the past two songs at all and when I prayed, I was. This flood, came with a ton of melancholy. My heart felt burdensome. I started to pray over the fear of change and my heart was really killing me, for I knew the prayer was for me as well. A huge flaw in me, I had change. While I do not show it out like the girls, I am really sad that such a relationship had to end… 😦 perhaps the Lord is tearing another one of my pillars down so I can rely more on Him.
This heavy heart full of bitterness and pain did not go away. I carried it along with me during service. For One Way, I jumped and clapped, but my heart made me feel like a hypocrite. Same goes for the next two songs. During the last song I got Aaron to pray for me. It felt better, but it was still there.
Even as I type now, my heart is full of sorrow. Such a heavy heart, Lord, will you please take this away from me? 😦 Father, I do not want to worship you with a heavy heart, I want to throw this burden down at the foot of the cross, but this feeling feels like it was from you. Lord, take this heart away Lord.