=154= Words of Melancholy: Reminder

Sometimes in life, we do not need to be told what we need to do. We need to be reminded. Over and over and over again!

The difference between the two is the way someone approaches you. Being told what to do approaches the man thinking that he has no idea how to handle the problem. Being reminded approaches the man who has encountered similar problems in the past but has not put in the same effort or way to tackle this problem.

Being reminded is a lot scarier because you know that you are not doing what you are supposed to do, but approaching someone like this reinforces the original way to tackle the problem. You have to reinforce, not building another way. Just like a system if you put too many gears in one place, it will get too heavy and mess up the whole system. Instead, by reinforcing the original system you keep things lighter and allow better performance. However with only one system, you can only achieve one kind of result. We need a system to achieve multiple result. So now instead of adding new stuff, we are modifying the original system. Not to make it weaker, but to make it better.

The most recent reminder was from my pastor’s blog, “No point asking for prayer when you are not praying yourself”. Lord, I want to be prayerful. I want to pray, but I can’t. I want to pray but it is so tiring. I use tired as an excuse to stop praying and end up sinning more than ever. Lord, can you teach me how to desire you? Can you teach me how to love you? Can you teach me how to rely on you? Can you teach me how to teach? Teach me how to pray. Father, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive our sins just as how we forgive our debtors. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

How can that prayer that is so simple to say, be so difficult to mean? Lord, I am tired. I am weak. Stop giving me strength so I can rely on you. Stop giving me pride so I can glorify you. Give me faith. Give me love. Give me hope. Give me life. Lord, teach me again and again. Remind me again and again. Please do not let me break your heart again. Break my heart for what breaks yours everything I am for your kingdoms cause. As I walk from earth into eternity. Lord, how can I sing something so huge so easily and live such a horrible life. Now I think I am using too many words. The most difficult thing when repenting before God is to use as little words as possible to mean what you say. It is easier to go on and blather jargon than to simply say, “Lord, I am wrong. Please forgive me”.

Lord, I am wrong. Please forgive me and help me.

Father, I am weak. So weak. Do not let me rely on myself again.

Another reminder. Treasure the relationships you have now. Do not give it up for stupid and untruthful images. Your relationships will last longer than any of these images would.

-Kelvin-

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=153= Thanksgiving: Ministry

I want to thank the Lord for my ministry. I happened to really enjoy serving this year—not that last year was bad, but service this year was smoother, easier and more fruitful. Let me go by my ministries.

First, Cell. Footsteps is really the best place to be on a Sunday! With so many things changing at once, Footsteps has been a great constant in my life. I am able to trust that when I fall down, they will be right there for me. Footsteps is a brotherly cell. We love not by our words(they are quite violent at times, HAHA!), we love by our actions, like real men. We do not sugar coat anything. We are truthful to each other. We share our struggles and laugh together. There is no cell I rather be in! Sincerely, Footsteps has been a family to me. I feel weak though. I feel like I have to step up next year and be someone with more authority. Let’s see? I want to continue to Love them and see them grow!

Second, LC. I recalled that I wanted to write something for my LC after my last LC, but the last LC was so Anti-Climatic… Oh well, I still must comment! Thank you EnMing and Esna for bringing over a very cool direction of being a family in LC. It is a very good direction indeed. LC this year has been a GREAT support. I am not just going to cell to learn about God. I am going to have fun with friends. Ok, maybe this is not a very good motivation, but God has let me love this people and receive much. I do not know how much will my LC change next year, but I do know that LC this year has been a very good constant as well, it is my desire that we will continue to love each other! Maybe even form our own cell when we all move up to YA. Haha, Lord, I really do have abandonment issues don’t I? :/

Third, CAMY. This is where I have decided to serve. Where I felt called to when I was sec 3. Lord, thank you for blessing me with much favour in this ministry. In Sec 3 you asked what have I been doing for you and I have no answer. Since then, I was able to experience worship in such a different way. It really is crazy. Most people in CAMY have been playing for really long before joining. I only played for a mere year when God called. It has been almost three years since then and God has been really faithful. Blessed me with more confidence. Blessed me with better ears. Blessed me with capacity. Blessed me with greater skill. Blessed me with an ability to teach(which I will talk about later). Blessed me with better musicianship. I am blessed. It is here when I started to stop thinking so much over my responsibilities—time keeping, dynamics, right fill, crash on ‘1’—and start to care more on worshiping God while playing a song. I have absolutely no idea when it has became easier for me to play. Perhaps when I am worshiping God? It has became both my burden and my rest. Ok, not burden in a sense that it is tiring. It is how we hold the burden of the worship of the congre. At first, you are worried if what you played affects worship. Now, after you are better on the technical side, you realize something. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we have no power over the hearts of the congregation. We are unable to control or make worship any better as the congre. Worship is really not on us. I mean we try our best to lead the youths somewhere, but if the youths do not want to follow, we cannot do anything. I am still processing this. I am trying best, but I am still helpless against lukewarm worshippers. Ga has been really emotional over this. I am thankful that Ga is so emotional. It constantly reminds me of how real spiritual warfare is. It constantly humbles me. It constantly teaches me how I should be like—having much compassion over the souls of the youth. It has been fruitful.

Fourth, my desire to teach. The Lord is faithful. He has not just blessed me with hands and feet that plays drums, he has blessed me with a mouth that can help people relax and laugh. He has given me energy to do stupid things. He has given me the gift of conversation. He has given me stunts and actions to help people relax, then, simple questions to ask to start conversations. Of course before I had this gift, I was given the gift of my ears. Among all my body parts, my ears are probably one of the most important. I use my ears to hear parts of drums. I use my ears to listen to people lament and sigh. I use my ears to listen to people’s hearts(not literally of course). On top of that, God has given me the gift of encouragement and teaching. God has given me the ability to encourage people to serve and persevere when things get difficult. I was very encouraged myself when I heard that Wee Geok, a person with so much potential started serving because I asked him ‘why not?’! I have used my gift to teach the training band without being someone foreign. I am very grateful that I have a personal relationship as a friend with everyone of them and not just as a teacher level. I am very thankful that they don’t see me as someone scary but still listens to me when I give them suggestions and help them! 🙂

Lord, you have been faithful. Please continue to pour down favour! 🙂
-Kelvin-

=152= Words Of Melancholy: When will my life get better?

“Maybe just a little longer” he said after hearing the noises outside.

“This cubicle isn’t too bad. I mean it is small and all, but there is no one to take my space. I can stay here without being interrupted. I would not be lost, i am safe here” Trying to convince himself to stay there.

The cubicle had white walls all around him. The door was the usual door with the simple turning mechanism to lock it. What was peculiar about the door was that it had holes drilled in on top of the mechanism. The man assumed that it was drilled previously for the old mechanism before it spoilt and needed to be replaced. He sat down on the covered toilet bowl and simply thought to himself, “When will my life get better?”

Then he heard someone say, ” Hey is there someone inside? I need to use the toilet!”

He was in conflict. He doesn’t want to get out, but someone needs his comfortable cubicle more than him and so he lied. “I am still using it!”

“You sure? I really need the cubicle VERY urgently!” The man said while pacing around.

“Errr, wait a while, I am about to be done!” He replied as he felt really bad for holding the cubicle without using it.

As he came out of the cubicle, he realised that he recognised the man who needed it. “Oh, its you John! So sorry, love to talk, but need the toilet, bye!” Said the man quickly as he rushed into the cubicle.

John went straight to the sink. Washed his face and looked at his ragged face. “When will my life get better?” He sighed.

“Easy John, easy.” Said John as he stepped out of the toilet.

First thing he saw was a corridor. A long stretch with no doors. as he walked down he heard footsteps behind him. Fear had a grip on his heart and he started running. He ran and turned right. He still saw no doors. So he made a left, still no doors. He made a right, no doors. Another right, still no doors, but this stretch seemed longer than the previous few. He reached the end and turned right. This time he saw light and  sprinted there.

He was back where he started, the same toilet that he stepped out of. It was then when he saw the man step out of the cubicle. “Oh John, you are still here? What have you been doing?”

“Nothing much, nothing really.” replied John.

“Oh? Ok, catch up soon man, really got to get out of this place to go to work, wanna join me?”He said cheerfully.

“Wait, do you mean you know your way out? It is like a maze out of this toilet!” John inquired.

“Nope, not really, but when i step out, someone would catch up to me and lead me out. He said that he knows the way out, so i followed him.”

“How do you know he knows the way?”

“I don’t. I simply tried once, he led me out. I tried again, he led me out again. So every time when i come here, i will simply trust him to lead me out. Are you joining us?”

“Nah, i do not trust anyone apart from myself” Said John after he considered the risks.

“Oh, ok, see you John!” said the man as he departed.

John went back to the cubicle. Locked himself in and asked once again, “When will my life get better?”


 

Stand up on your own two legs, walk out, trust Him. He will lead you out.

=151= Melancholic Reflections: Visions

I had a wonderful day today! 🙂

I had a wonderful lunch with my class, dinner with my PFP classmates. Had fun hi-five-ing people from Red camp. Nice J333, where I found my soul to be refreshed. Prayed for this amazing person named, Pei En(if I am not wrong)

I first noticed her when she was outside of the service hall as I walked out of the hall to the toilet. Then, when I got back, I saw her troubled, saw her kinda stressed over something. Had the urge to go and just pray for her. Went up to her and I was surprised at the her depth. She is definitely WAY more spiritually mature than me. WAY more. She received a vision from God. She saw a guard lion, lion being the church, with its head turned around. She also received the words, “what good is a guard dog if it’s head is turned”. The interpretation is that the church’s leadership is not facing the right direction. She was troubled over the fact that she was not able to put a bible verse to back it up and that the church was a guard dog.

I do not have the gift of interpreting visions, but I do have the gift of encouragement. I also lack depth to pray much over the subject. So instead of praying over the vision. I prayed over her. Prayed that she will not be anxious. She will have peace. Prayed that she will received assurance that it is from the Lord.

It is amazing and intriguing. I asked her how is it like to receive visions and she told me the different ways. Personally right, I think she encouraged me more. I noticed that she has a very unique relationship with God. She does not refer God as “God” or “The Lord”, she refers God as “He” or “Him”. When I was listening to her, it was difficult for me to distinct if she was talking about a guy or God. She also asked if God(she used “He”) told me to go and pray for her. I answered with quite an uncertain answer. She told me, ” Yes means yes, no means no.” Well, this straight forward answer is something I need to work on. Somehow or another, we started chatting and I shared my struggles as both a drummer and a cell leader. How I wished I could go down the stage and pray for people I know. I shared about how I found so many people annoying because they are able to see pain but do not have the courage to pray or minister to them.

She also asked me about why did I take off my shoes in J333. It is kinda like my ritual. One J333, God told me to take off my shoes, so I did. Since then it has been a practice that I have been constantly doing. Both as an act that I am standing on holy ground and as an act to signify nothing holding me back as I worship God. After so long, I really enjoy taking off my shoes, it is comfortable. It is something I do and I felt so silly sometimes as I walk up to the altar barefooted.

Then, I was very happy when Zephen as me if I was going to supper with them. Then had a nice chat with Claire on the car. Lord, thank you for this gift of conversation. I am really enjoying how I am able to listen to so many different things happening. This conversation with Pei En(I hope it is the right name) is really cool. Lord, will you please reveal more?

When Pei En prayed for me. She told me that she saw a blue bird and the Lord saying that he will set it free. Well, it is cool. I dunno if it has any relation to the bird I always draw on my books. Lord, to more visions! Please reveal more and more. It is very cool that pastor Scott prayed that God will show me his calling for me this Redeem.

Nice day Lord! Thank you!

-Kelvin-

=150= Words of Melancholy: Melody

Sometimes, after a long day, you get the feeling of not wanting to hear a single note of music. Your head is filled with so many songs that you just grew tired. Your ears feel like they are hearing multiple songs at once and it is tiring. To have so many songs in your ears, makes you hear nothing. Now I want a moment of silence. But my head recalls the songs and plays in my ear. It is very dull.

Lord, will you give me a moment of silence to rest? Father, fill my ears with your melodies. May they be soothed my your voice. May they inspire my heart with new song and my body with new vigor. May they clear my ears to hear even more. That when I hear your voice, I hear everything.

Bless me Lord. Touch me and use me.