=189= Words of Melancholy: Puzzled

I am supposed to be studying right now, but i am a little distracted with all that happened today, so i am just going to rant here a little.

For one, i have no idea why anyone would say something just to see my reaction. Do you really not trust me that much? Come on that was rude. There was no need to do that. I actually understand. It just hurt because you did not trust me and had to do that. Well, now that it is out of my system, i am sorry if you are reading this, but that really hurt. While seeing people’s reaction is interesting, i agree, but there is no need to stage something that would do that please, that is not nice at all. I was really affected by that, but don’t worry luhh, i am good! 🙂 I am not THAT petty, i just wanted to get it out of my system.

Is it normal? I REALLY feel comfortable being single right now. i said this once I am saying this again. I am. At this point in time, i am really not distracted at all. The previous years I kept getting distracted by the relationships that i wanted to get into. I kept pondering on what i should do with this relationship, should i jump in? Should i back off? Should i simply continue? This landed me in a heartbreak two years ago in December 2013. My heart was distracted and in utter chaos. For the past two years, i start the year with confusion then slowly make it good. This year started off well, my mind was clear, no longer thinking so much about something that is so far away. For once in such a long time–since primary 5–my head is clear and that is a good feeling. I am seeing fruits of not seeing every girl i meet as a potential girlfriend; i started becoming friends with them. I am now not pursuing them for an intimate relationship, but simply wanting to be friends. I am now in a healthy relationship with girls that i meet and interact with(I think so at least, HAHA!). This does not mean that i do not see beauty. I see beauty A LOT. To be honest, now that i am not in conflict with my heart, i notice pretty girls more. This observation actually allows me to see how they react and how their character is like. There is beauty in character. Haha, that is not just something ugly people say. There is. No one can refute that. However, just because someone is beautiful(both outwardly and inwardly) doesn’t mean that i need to be in a relationship with them. The gift of intimacy is the reward for commitment. It was only after i got out out of the chaos that i understood that. For me now, my commitment is to my school, cell and worship team. Not being distracted by that is good. Now my heart is at peace, really peaceful. To a point where when i was asked about who i liked, i had trouble explaining. I simply told them that there are girls that i am close to now, but that is it. My heart is at peace with simply this! It is good!

I am really discouraged with how Twisters are disconnected. Well, i remembered all the photos we had during watchnights. This year, the photo like that was of Footsteps. All the different eras of Footsteps came in and it was special. Somehow or another this amazing cell cuts through age and time to bond people who haven’t even met before together! For Twisters, i think time settled in. We went our different routes. Some into friends out of church. Some into YA. Some into youths. Like smoke, something beautiful ended. I do not understand. How can something that was so close be replaced just like that? It is depressing to know how easy it is to replace someone.

I totally enjoyed the last song again today. Maybe it was just “Freedom we know”! I recall it being one of my favourite songs back when i did not even pick up drums. It was how the congregation responded that really encouraged me. Through the set, i was really distracted by the congre’s response. Bro Shavinn told me to pay attention to the congregation and be sensitive. From the first song, i felt a little deadness in worship. Like they were very stoned. So for the first song, I held back a little; I played a simpler groove. Then through the set, i was praying for revival and for God to touch them. For “One thing remains” In a very special moment, I played something declarative, that sounded good. For the entire set, i kept looking at Alvin’s reaction to worship. I was very encouraged when he looked really good worshiping God! For me the entire set only picked up when Choo said “can we do it in ‘E’?” I laughed really hard, this seemed like something pastor Meng Cham would do! Haha! Then when we sang “I could sing of your love forever”, i felt a little release, not a lot, but a little. Then, it really exploded in “Freedom we know”, it was almost like retreat! I loved how Daniel smiled while singing together with me! Then when i looked over to Shina giving her the, “Are we gonna do it?” look then we responded with the “YES YES GO!” look! This song was a sacred moment that i never thought i would experience on stage. A moment when there is revival stirring up. I have seen this on several occasions, in retreat etc etc, but this was the first time i was part of the worship team. Lord, thank you for using my little and multiply it! I give thanks.

It really feels better after you reflect, my brain needs work. it can’t take so much stress. However, i love you Lord! I give thanks!


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