=206= Words of Melancholy: Top

It really gets lonely at the top doesn’t it?

Today’s cell was extremely messy. Well, before cell I started something, basically, I will ask anyone wants to go to the petrol kiosk with me, then we would walk there having a simple conversation. Today we had a newcomer that Michael brought, Ryan. So I managed to get him to go to the petrol kiosk with us! I was glad that Royce had a conversation with him! It would get really tiring if I needed to do everything on my own. I found that this petrol kiosk walk allows for greater bonding as you would interact with them not in a church environment, but in an environment that both christians and non-christians are comfortable in! Also being in a smaller group kinda forces people to talk, if not it will be awkward you know! I really glad that Royce has been going to the kiosk with me! I give thanks for this simple time with him!

Then when it came to the lesson, it was extremely messy… As our cell is sharing a room with DJ, the sound just gets so loud. Sincerely sharing the room with another cell does not work because the noise just bounces back and makes everything loud and noisy. Hence, with that, it really distracts the kids. Not to mention that my kids have an extremely short attention span, that just does not help. When I get one side to pay attention, the other side starts getting distracted. It felt like one of the cell lesson I had last year when I was trying my best to play some games with them but they do not cooperate. Felt so freaking helpless to do anything. To make things worse, my co-CLs, that were supposed to help me handle the cell, were getting distracted with their phones(playing games during lesson nevertheless! If you want your kids to leave their phones, you be an example for them, don’t make it worse by doing it yourself) and starting conversations that takes their attention away from me. I mean come on! Justin was doing a better job at helping me handle the cell than my co-CLs! However, once again, it might be the style of teaching wasn’t effective with such a noisy environment, so yeah they are not at fault luhh. I am just a bit irritated. Kids were putting their earphones into their ears, come on, am I THAT boring? Seriously luhh, two cells sharing one room does not work AT ALL. When Jethro was ending it was so noisy that Raphael didn’t even know that we ended. Just got really depressed. Perhaps because teaching is one of my spiritual gifts; I simply felt so useless at what I was good at. Well, once bitten. Apparently my methods are not good for the cell now. As we are sharing the room, I have to consider another factor in, the noise. Oh and please do not get me wrong, DJ is not noisy! We are! But the problem is that because we are noisy, they have to raise their voices to get the attention of the cell, which in turn, makes us go even more loud… -sigh- Lord, how am I going to do this?

However, there was a silver lining in this dark cloud. Ryan, the new guy, told me that he actually enjoyed himself a lot! He most likely will be coming back! I saw the smile on Michael’s face and I knew that it was worth it! Michael is really precious as well! He has the burden for his friends and would go the extra mile to tell me that he is bringing someone so that I can prepare and talk to him more! I asked if he was interested to be a leader next year last week and he told me that he would not mind! 😀 well, if there was something I was glad I did not do last year, that will be to snap at Michael for being annoying. Though I was annoyed at him in the earlier stages, for being so annoying, but he really grew accustomed to me and has been very good in cell! For that I give thanks!

Then came service. A lot went on again. First I had to find all my guys that were missing from cell. Then, I got tasked to do communion last minute because the region tasked to do it wasn’t wearing formal! Oh well, it was a good experience nevertheless! Haha, got something to take note though, Sam told me afterwards that taking the communion out from the tray and actually passing it to them actually gives them the pressure of accepting the communion. So crap. It only came to me like after Sam pointed it out! All I thought was like that it was a faster way to do it… 😛 HAHA! Oh well, thank God that in my section there wasn’t any newcomers, at least if you based on which section of chairs that had newcomers today! But yeah, I needed to learn! Thanks Sam! 🙂

However, I really enjoyed Kiat’s MC-ing today! Haha it was the awkward funny kind that drives the service manager nuts! But that is how Kiat is luhh! Being real all the time! Kennaf’s sermons are always a joy. Kennaf takes too little credit. I really do enjoy every single one of his sermons! They have depth and yet Kennaf is still always being able to make it relatable and easy to understand. I know he doesn’t like to preach, but I really think that he has the ability to! Kennaf, if you are reading this, I really needed that message today. I give thanks!

It was during the altar call when I realised that my heart has so much guilt in it. Guilt of not meeting the mark for leading a righteous life. Guilt of not stewarding my gifts well. Guilt of not being able to support the cell the way I want to. Guilt of not being able to offer much to the ministry. Guilt of not going to the Father entirely; I go to the father but I do not necessary reveal my heart to Him. Which is kinda stupid if you think about it because the Father knows everything about me. So when I went out to the altar today, the guilt poured out and I simply said, “I am sorry” to God. My heart is freed from guilt and I enjoyed His presence.

However, there was something that I was really sad about. When I went out to the altar, two people prayed for me; Corn and Johann. I am sad because I always encouraged my kids to go up to the altar to pray for our cell members. I was just sad that only Johann prayed for me… It is as though me teaching them to have faith and go pray for your friends that you can see in pain has gone to waste. Lord, when will I see the fruits of my labour? I want to see my kids grow into a fine young men! Far surpassing me! Being more and more like you!

When so few people prayed for me, there was another spiritual attack. “No one wants to pray for you, no one loves you.” I just got depressed, but I reminded myself that I am now in the presence of the one that loves me to the core and even died for me. Even if the world fades away or everyone hates me, the Lord, my God, will love me. For a Sanguine that gets energy from people, this was something that I really needed to remember.

It does get lonely when you are up there. I am not even an RL and it already is this lonely. Well, I am alright luhh, few people know what they should do during an altar call. First of all, many leaders right now have the habit of simply praying for many people and having no follow up with anyone of them. I find it sad. When Tat Wai pointed it out during cell two years back, it hit me that I have been doing that. I mean why pray for so many people when you do no follow up with them. You are wasting an opportunity to impart into their lives and helping them through their problems. So it is actually better to pray for one person and then stay with him/her until the end of the altar call, ask him/her if he/she wants to talk about it. If no, fine, it is alright. If yes, you can actually have a way into your kids’ life and you will have a much deeper relationship with him/her.

Why encouraging your kids to pray is important. For it will increase their compassion. By encouraging them to pray will remove the stigma that only leaders and shepherds have the power to pray. That is bullshit. There is power in the prayer of a righteous man, but there is also power in the prayer of a man that wants to pray but do not know how to. In fact, I sometimes find stuttering prayer with little words more sincere than prayer with bombastic words. Pray guys pray, pray for me. Pray for your leaders. Pray for your peers. Pray for your kids. When we have a culture of kids praying for leaders and even going to that step of doing follow up. We will have a safe church where the leaders will not feel overstretched and the youths will experience God and not have that indifference towards God.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

What should someone do when someone is crying in the altar? Pray for him. Stay with him. Comfort him until he tells you he is ok. Then do follow up.

People need to be more sensitive and have more courage to do more in church. When you see your friend in pain, isn’t it natural that you want to comfort him/her? I do not understand why so little people are doing that.

Lord, still my heart Lord. Teach me to be more patient. Father give me more opportunities to teach my boys. Lord. Help me as I am going to get EXTREMELY busy. Please stay with me, support me Lord!

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