=230= Melancholic Reflections: Anger

Ironically, the week I was teaching on conflicts and how we should respond to it, something made me angry. I was just telling Shavinn that everything is quite messy now. I feel really tired that my leaders aren’t coorperating with me ideally.

I prepared a lesson and had to do my own own research, etc etc. Evrything was going well, everyone was into the lesson, then Sis Rach needed to make an announcement. -sigh- it was something that happened at a TOTALLY wrong time… 😦 right after that, they were all distracted and having them do the activity was impossible. -sigh- to make it worse, one leader was using his phone to play games. During cell. During my lesson. Even when I asked him to stop, he still did not. Can’t you set a better example for your kids? The other one was late, but at least wasn’t using his phone, but he was using it during service to play Crossyroads. Oh come on guys, please be more aware. Justin even said, “You are the cell leader leh”. Come on, to be reprimanded by your own cell kid, don’t you feel ashamed?

Nevertheless, I carried out my lesson, but it ended with them not with a cheerful note as I had planned, but with a solemn note because I had to exercise authority with my kids and my leaders(screw me). I was extremely emotional. I mean, I prepared so hard for this lesson, I wanted my kids to learn and have fun, they did for the front part but then everything tumbled down. I did not have a good lesson at all. 😦 Not only that, I had the worse experience. The problem about leaders acting like cell kids is that I can’t excercise my authority on them, if I do, they will lose authority with the kids. If I don’t, what kind of example are they giving the kids? Kiat knows his limits andknows when to help me control the mess. These leaders don’t. Lord, they were supposed to help me, but they were adding to the problem. Father, will you teach them to be more responsible? Teach them to be more aware.

With these emotions in me, I felt helpless. I felt betrayed. Why give me a cell where I can’t properly lead them? Lord, I am responsible for these kids. I know. However, do they know that they are responsible for them too? Father, you know I have tried my best. Can you say so for them? Lord, we are responsible for lives here, please do not let us make light of our job.

With these emotions, I went for worship. With these burdens on my heart and the Lord still wants me to worship him. Not only that, lead worship off stage. Therefore, I sucked it up, I went to the front as usual, bringing my boys with me. However, these emotions were just too distracting. I could not worship God until the last song. -sigh- I knelt down and cried out to God. After worship, I took a drink of water and I felt better.

Halfway through the sermon, I went out of the hall back into the room. There was silence and I needed it. I cried out to God again. “Lord, when will I see my harvest?” Having lead the same cell for so long, I wanted to see better fruits come from the cell. I see my leader’s actions and I am just disapointed. I wonder how many of my boys that has left the cell has grown into men? The first batch, one stopped going for youth because of cell timings. Another I saw in service once this year. The last, I was disapointed. The second batch, one is leading now, I wonder if he will be a good leader and grown out of his attitude. Another, still comes for cell. I wonder if the third batch, the batch that I have invested SO much of my time and effort into will grow into great men at the end of the year. -sigh- I lamented to God. Somehow or another, I began praying for my boys instead. Instead of focussing on my harvest. I prayed that my boys will be great men that will have boys wanting to be them. I prayed for wisdom and maturity. I prayed and asked the Lord to make them righteous men. After that prayer, I calmed down much more.

Then I had lunch with my leaders. I wanted it to be just the three of us because we haven’t had one at all. However, it was a bad time, for I was still angry at them(though not as much) so it was quite awkward. :/ I was lucky to have other people accompany us in the bus ride. Had a nice time to chat. Haha, have to suck it up man, some people are closer to others than you(this is a whole other issue all together).

Thank God I calmed down before talking to them. I really do not want to have any conflicts as much as possible. So I managed to tell them to help me in a nice manner. They had their hearts on the cell so that was good. I am glad that they are consistent with attendance for both the cell and LC. As long as they continue to come, they will be able to learn, so ya, I pray that they will become leaders with passion for the kids.

I record this down not to condemn my fellow leaders, but to record my own spiritual battle. In your anger do not sin. Whew…. Not an easy command to follow at all and the devil has been trying to attack me in this area of anger recently. With the issue with the whatsapp group and this. Lord, my patience and self control is really being tested… 😦 Father, allow me to be a man that will not fall when such attacks come. That even though something like this might come, do not let me bad mouth a person, do not let me vent my anger out at them. Instead, allow me to find a release elsewhere. Allow me to find release in you. That Lord, you do not despise my honest heart and my honest feelings. Allow me to express them to you first before taking any action. Give me patience and self-control.

Remember the parable of the unmerciful servant:
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” (‭Matthew‬ ‭18‬:‭21-35‬ NIV)

The amazing thing about grace is that God still loves my co-cell leaders. No matter how much they annoyed him, no matter how much wrong they did, God still loves them. THAT is grace.

Hungry I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry
So I wait for You
So I wait for You

I’m falling on my knees
Offering all my needs
Jesus You’re all
This heart is living for

Broken I run to you
For your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know your touch
Restores my life
So I wait for you
So I wait for you
 
 
-Kelvin-
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