=282= Words of Melancholy: Disgust

Right now, I am losing the battle of self worth. For anyone that follows my blog, you would know that a few months back, I applied for a scholarship. This week, I received the news that I got rejected. Again. Somewhere deep inside me simply hoped for the approval of the scholarship. I just hate it that all my hard work in ministry cannot be put down in school. I guess, this has formed some sort of bitterness in my heart towards serving. Lord, why aren’t my efforts acknowledged my the world? Lord, can you please be faithful? Father, is it really impossible to be honest and have favour in your interviewer’s eyes? 

My mum has been bugging me to take up a CCA in school, but how can I? Things are not as easy as it seems. Right now, I have two ministry in church, school is insanely busy(INSANELY busy), if I took up the CCA, how will I ever have the time to go see my grandma? How will I have the time to spend with my family? How will I ever have time for school work? How will I ever be even able to cope?

My mum told me that I am committing too much in church. I have been receiving messages from people, asking me to choose between the two ministries that I am currently taking up. It is making me confused and perturbed inside of my head. Bro Shavinn told me to remember where I am called to. Of course I remember. I was only ever called to CAMY. CL-Ing was simply what I wanted to do. In this tiring period of my life, I noticed what was sustaining me more and indeed it was the worship ministry that refreshes me more. However, I am scared. I am scared that I will regret my decision one day if I choose one.

I really hate the person I have become now. Out of place. Not funny. Not edifying. Gloom. A huge grumbler. A person full of discontent. With no thought spared for my cell. Absolutely disgusting. I hate I hate I hate. Why can’t I be someone better? Why can’t I be someone that I will be proud of? The person I am now doesn’t even fit to be a leader of the church. I speak about the power of the cross, but do I even tap on it? Why am I a hypocrite? I really want to slap myself in the face and shout at myself. Lord, how can you love someone like me? Father, will you please take this season away? I don’t want to be this man. I want to be better. I want to be righteous. I want to be you.

“My grace is sufficient for you” Lord, please, I don’t want to be stagnant anymore. I don’t want this horrible life.  If your grace is enough, please then please help me to believe that. Help my unbelief Lord!

“My power is made perfect in weakness” Father, then will you please give me the power? I hate losing the battle all the time and having my life crumble before me! Lord, please stay with me, never leave me Lord!

Father, take my heart and transform it! Make me a man that is after your own heart!

Lord, give me the joy to serve you. Allow me to stop taking my faith as it is. Stop me from taking you for granted! Allow me to worship you! Give me more and more songs to sing. Allow me to sing of your goodness and be a great testimony in your sight! Thank you Lord!




2 thoughts on “=282= Words of Melancholy: Disgust”

  1. So sorry to hear about the scholarship outcomes. But I trust God will provide in one way or another. In my experience of rejections, He really uses them to guide me down the right path with each closed door 🙂

    You are a gem in both mins, Kelv.

    You truly are.

    I am so thankful R-AGE has a leader like you who stands out amidst so many who are content with a sub-standard commitment to their position.

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