=326= Words of Melancholy: Rough Day

It had just been the roughest day ever. However, I still cannot say that it was a bad day.

Today, we came to the briefing for stop motion. Which was cool. However, I realised that I needed to finish one of my assignments today. In which I haven’t even started… 😦 Hence, I tried to do it, but the Internet in school was just WAY too slow.

Then, after scouting for a room with my group, we went back and Mr Viktor announced the results for ATE. I got 55 out of 100. My heart just sank. I mean, I knew that I won’t do VERY well, but I thought I would at least get 60-70 plus. My mood became really depressed. I felt like crying, but I restrained. I really worked very hard for ATE. I did up a formula list, I did the paper. I memorised stuff. I did my very best already. Are you telling me that my best isn’t good enough? 

Even so, I still went on with the assignment and managed to do a great deal of it.

I decided to go church early to be alone for a while and just somehow or another feel better. On the way to the shell kiosk bus stop, I passed by the pull up bar. I decided to vent my frustrations by doing pull ups, but how pathetic, I can’t even do one real one. I need help from my legs. I guess I am just really envious of someone. This is bad, I should stop my evil coveting. Helped a bit I guess! Making my arms and chest feel a little weight does help.

Then at the bus stop, bumped into Jie Jun. Complained to her about how depressed I was. Felt better saying it out loud. Was nice to have her there to cheer me up a bit! 🙂 I guess I am really a Sanguine. I feed off people’s responses to me. Like after the first Emerge service, I wasn’t drained at all! In fact, I was energised. I believe that because they were young, they are not at the cool cool stage and would still respond to me! One of the most tiring things to do in a group, is trying your best to hype up your group but they don’t respond. That tires me WAY more than having me be an insane Jim Carrey person. At least, I have a connection and I am not the only one giving.

Got to the bus stop, went to NTUC and bought a pack of spicy tapioca snack. Was so good! 🙂

Did my work until I lost track of time. I did work until dinner, I normally would leave like 1 hour free to practice a bit.

Had dinner, was nice! 

Worship rehearsal was difficult. Having not used metronome for so long, I just kept going off time. 😦 Then, I missed the 3/4 bar in “Whom Shall I Fear” in my preparation. Leb was really disappointed. 😦 The last time I played this song was at Hometeam NS and that set was horrible too. My brain just went along with it even after some strange pauses, I thought, it was just me not playing in time. Just so bad.

Sounded rough enough? I still cannot say that it was a bad day. The reason being that I met God today. Of course not physically, but I could really sense His presence tonight and it broke me. First time being ministered by the song I am playing while I am playing it to the point when I broke down. I played and all the emotions came.

Forever he is glorified

Forever he is lifted high

Forever he is risen

He is alive, He is alive!

The spoken word portion really stirred me up. And I was tearing up while playing, during rehearsal. I can’t believe that.

Then, after rehearsal, I asked Leb to help me point out the 3/4 bar again. Then, Brian told me to play for God. This word; telling me to play for God and not man or myself have been repeating recently. However, I guess it just didn’t go in until tonight. Brian shared and it hit me right in the heart. I was about to cry already but I left before I did. I cried while walking down the stairs. Complained once again about how my best isn’t enough.

Funny thing is that, I know that it isn’t. My best can never reach God’s standard of perfection. I learned that. I even taught that. How could I have forgotten about it? My best isn’t good enough, that is why like Brian said, “HAVE FAITH”. Have faith in a God that loved me so much that he gave his one and only Son for me. That he would die for me. Let him take control. Let him guide your life. Not my best, but let him show you his best. His best of dying for me.

A reassuring sentence from Brian telling me that I can do it was really nice. I really needed the encouragement.

I then went back home and had a nice chat with Shena about Photography! 🙂 Really needed my mind to be on something else and not be so freaking melancholic.

You know what? You know what started this season of ungratefulness and coveting? From my application of my scholarship and overseas trips. Sure. I do not have a CCA and that makes me under qualified for MANY things in school. You know what, so be it. Even if my best work, my best lesson, my best set is overlooked by the world, so be it. I need to stop being jealous over people with good grades, good group of friends, good CCA record, good fitness. Stop. Just stop. I made a decision as a man to honour my God, to serve him with whatever capacity I have, I live with it. No not just live with it, I live with it gratefully. Sure, I gave up a lot. However, I cannot say that I lost much. I gave it up for God, for my family, for my kids, for my ministry. For what I deem more important. For that I give thanks. That when others pursue things that wouldn’t last, I pursued something that will last. For eternity and beyond.

So when you catch me being ungrateful, rebuke me. Remind me of the things I have.

God, please start a new chapter of my life with you in control!

Good results, bad results, whatever, bring it on. Whom shall I fear if God is with me?

-Kelvin-

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