=353= Words Of Melancholy: Constant

Well, before i go full Mel Mode, i just realised that my last few posts has been numbered wrong, HAHA, i just needed to be a bit OCD.

Recently, a constant slipped out of my life. It isn’t bad or anything, there is no misunderstanding, but it just happened. I realised this and I just got so sad. I mean, when will I start to have constants that will last all my life? I don’t know.

Not only that, but that evil covetous heart of mine just gets so jealous over people’s friendships. I don’t really know how to get deeper with someone. How does one bare himself/herself to another person?

Been chatting with a few people recently and i just enjoyed their presence. Thankful.

Haven’t had any time to go shoot photos. I really like photography. Like i enjoy it very much. Well, trying to learn as much as i can. I am even considering going for like a two month internship in a photography company or studio after my 5 months internship in ETG.

Sometimes I wonder if me trying to learn everything or try everything i am interested in is good. I mean sure, like I get to support people better with the skills i have learned, but i kinda feel like i am not exactly great in any particular area. Maybe should I sharpen one skill first? I don’t really know.

Well, I played for Good Friday today and i just think that i am so off form. I was pleasantly surprised that i could use the metronome effectively this set. I really need to practice more with it. Now that my QT has been more consistent, I now need to learn how to practice drums and sextuplets and chops(yes, more than one ‘and’, this is my blog, leave me alone for grammar! AHAHA!) more effectively. I need a practice schedule.

Does trying to learn everything make my personality repulsive?

I want to be able to do much, but you know, not physically possible. I want to be able to record drums for an album. I want to be a sound engineer that can react fast and solve problems quickly. I want to be a producer and mixer that can produce and get great mixes for an album. I want to write songs. I want to sing. I want to play guitar, keyboard, bass etc. I want to be able to know chords well. I want to take amazing photos. I want to try wedding photography. I want to try all kinds of photography. I want to be able to troubleshoot quickly. I want to be amazing at lights. I want to make short films. I want to write stories. I want to make friends that will last a lifetime. I want to form relationships with people. I want to be a strong spiritual guide to people. I want to love people. I want to do many things. I want to be great.

God, I am just not cut out to do all. I want to, but it is really quite tough.

Lord, I want to be humble. I want a good future, but why am I only looking at my life here and not my life in eternity?

What kind of a man do I wanna be?

  1. Honest
  2. Genuine
  3. Kind
  4. Caring
  5. Loving
  6. Wise
  7. Friendly
  8. Approachable
  9. Relatable
  10. Eloquent

I should really think about what attracts me to people, male, female, friends, bros, sis and crushes alike.

I am attracted to people because of their willingness to hear me out. I mean, i am really not too great a person, if you are willing to give me some attention and you are sincere about it and share your life with me as well, I give thanks.

I am attracted to people because they watch out for me. I think one of the main things that crushed a friendship of mine was that we did not watch out for each other.

I am attracted to people because they are low maintenance. Everyone needs some attention here and there you know. However, I would really appreciate that even after not hanging out for a long time that you will still acknowledge me ad a good friend and not be awkward with me. Something I appreciate for my friendships with the dance ministry people. Josh Lui and I are good friends, we don’t talk often, but when we do, we are loving each other’s company, we just enjoy each other’s presence. No need to be awkward, I am still me, you are still you, who the heck cares if you have new friends? You have new friends, I do too, that doesn’t mean e can’t be friends you know. This isn’t a game where you have a limit on the number of friends you can make, where you add the people you spend more time with inside the list and rid of people you haven’t spoken to in a while off the list. Haven’t spoken in a while? Don’t know how to interact with me after such a long time? Shut up, there you have it, you don’t know? Just freaking go and ask how my life has been, i would love to share my life with you. OK? Ok.

On that note, i realised that i need two types of friends. The type that would ask me everything and be vulnerable to and the type that would not ask me anything. Something i appreciate about my secondary school friends is that they are the latter. I honestly don’t want to speak to them over what happened with C. They don’t ask, i am glad. Once again, low maintenance, but still great friends. Love them. I will probably share with them eventually, i just give thanks that they don’t ask much.

I am attracted to people because they are willing to share their life with me. Sure, I am talkative and all, but i would really appreciate some response. And NO, “Oh cool…. <then silence>” is not a good response. I would much prefer the, “WOW, are you serious? Cool” But yeah, that is me! HAHA! Thank you friends for sharing your life with me! 🙂

It seems like I am attracted to people because they actually care about me. HAHA. Oh well, I actually feel a whole lot better after typing out this post. Once again, things are looking up!