=354= Reflections: 4am

-sigh- once again my body just refuses to sleep.

Sometimes when this happens, I would be reminded of how whenever I couldn’t sleep, I would text C. Chances are that she cannot sleep either. It has just been so long since that Christmas Eve of 2013. I feel so useless that I cannot rid of all residual feeling I have for her.

I mean like it has been so long, you would have thought that I would be able to keep her out of my mind by now. However, once in a while, I just catch myself thinking about her.

I don’t even know why I liked her.

Sure she is very pretty and attractive, but just what of her personality or character did I like about her?

I can’t remember. It could jolly well be the points that I listed in the previous post, but no. It is not. I just believed that deep down we were very similar to each other. We handle issues and pain very similarly and that probably made me attracted to her even more. I felt that she had so much problems and I felt compelled to protect her and support her. That probably spurred everything.

I don’t know. I don’t remember. 

I still remember talking about my crush in cell back in COOL!, telling everyone that whenever I said grace, I will pray that God will bless her food as well.

Oh just how young was I?

Just how can an unofficial relationship hurt me so bad? -sigh-

I thought about R and how he reacted when he broke up with his girlfriend and I just thought to myself that I am probably handling this better than I should. I am doubting this considering that I am still not entirely over her even after two whole years. I am probably 90% over it? The 10% still causes me to avoid her when I see her at Hougang 1. For all the times I saw her face, I was just, “Walk Walk Walk! Don’t look back!”

I guess I am just afraid of how I would handle the awkward meeting. Just how does one react in such situations?

“Hey Man! Long time no see! Do you remember how we used to be really close to each other for one year and after that you won’t reply my messages and return my calls? Yeah, I remember that too! Great! We both remember! I would much rather you have amnesia and forgot whatever I did though! Haha! Never mind about that! Okay! Bye bye!”

Somewhere deep inside of me just wants to call her up to talk about it and kinda resolve something you know. Have some closure.

It sounds pretty nice that we can just sit down and have a chat, giving me a chance to ask all the questions that I wanted to ask during that four long colourless months.

“Did you know that I liked you back then?”

“Why did you stop talking to me for four months?”

“Have you ever liked me? Or was I really just a friend to you?”

“If I asked you out back then, would you have gone out with me?”

However, you see, though I really want the answers to these questions, they don’t really matter anymore. Even if I knew that she liked me back then and that she would have gone out with me, that doesn’t exactly change anything. She still broke my heart, we haven’t been talking for 2 years, we definitely won’t go out now.

Sometimes the creative side of my brain just wish that this story has its plot twist. Kinda like I walk down the streets a few years later and I see C holding the hand of a young boy and that boy calls her “Mummy!” I just paused and realised what happened. She stopped communicating with me back then because she was pregnant with someone else’s child and didn’t want me to be involved. Hence, she cut off all forms of communication I had with her.

Hey beside the fact that I am trying to twist what happened, it actually sounds like quite a nice plot right? HAHA!

Haha, but no, I am pretty sure she wasn’t pregnant.

Well, now I am just so passive when it comes to relationships. Be it with guys or girls. I find it hard to be vulnerable with people. I am thankful for the good friends that have made. If you are reading this, I am most probably really thankful for you. Thank you for watching out for me and supporting me! 🙂

Oh well, let’s get some sleep now.

Thank you God for drawing me back to you after this incident. Thank you for being my constant in this ever changing world.

Thank you.

-Kelvin-a