=368= Words Of Joy: Constance

Alright today is a day to remember.

One, I just bought the most amazing sounding cymbal I have ever heard in my life. It is a Dream Cymbal Vintage Bliss 20 inch crash ride.

It is honestly has whatever I wanted from a ride cymbal. It has enough stick definition with the underlying wash. It crashes SO well, with SO much body. It is so light and sensitive!

I actually wanted to check out the bliss line today just to see if the sound was what I wanted. The bliss were ok, like just a very standard cymbal tone. I saw the cymbal. Then I played the cymbal. Then I was like, WOW! I tried so many other cymbals but I kept coming back to it. I asked for the price, it was $219. I was practically sold. A cymbal of this build and sound for Zildjian would cost like 2-3 times the price. I am comparing it to like the keropes and Constantinoples.

I played the keropes in music gear and I am like, it is not even half as nice as the vintage bliss. Honest. I was freaking out in the store going, “OH MAN…. WOW…” Haha!

So I called my mum to tell her about it. She allowed me to buy it and the rest is history. I just bought the most beautiful sounding cymbal I have ever heard. I am sorry Zildjian/Sabian/Paiste/Meinl/Istanbul I just found the brand of cymbals I am going to buy.

The Dream cymbal prices were incredible. Like hi-hats were like $250, a 17 inch was $179. I can practically have a whole set now for under a thousand. That to me is a no brainer. I really want a Tri-hat. The options to have a set of three lines of cymbals in a pack just makes it fun and cool to mess around with.

Oh and I named it “Constance.” I know I planned for the name to be for a snare, but when I hear the beauty and sound, there is just no doubt that it is a Constance. Hence the title. 

Two, caught up a bit with Ga. it was very nice! I know I see her as a spiritual Mum, but I can really treat her as a Sister too. So yeah! πŸ™‚

Three, receiving prayer from Bro Ken and Josh. Both of them minstered to me so much.

Four, telling God, “I Love You.” It is good to be in the presence of the Lord.

Five, be honest about my doubts with E’s Friend. R was an agnostic. I just wanted him to feel more comfortable, so I told him that even I as a Christian doubt sometimes. Telling him about my doubts and all. I don’t exactly know how to express my faith in words. I hope whatever I have done doesn’t scare him away.

Six, nice dinner with Ming Ge Abd Rebecca. Nice meal.

Ok going home now.

Good day. πŸ™‚

-Kelvin-

=367= Words Of Joy: Previous

Been checking out some of my post last year. WOW. GOSH. JUST. WAH.

I sounded suicidal…. (I am totally not ok! Not even then!) O_O HAHAHA! Like serious, even though I have self worth issues now, I don’t see myself hating myself, being so angry and bitter now. So thank God. HAHA!

I have no idea what changed, but I guess the pressure on me getting a scholarship/CCA is off(that is REALLY good). Overall, I am thankful that I don’t gripe over stuff like that anymore.

I think I found a balance between being animated; funny and being serious; heart to heart. I find myself doing the animated thing better with just one or two person. Basically, attracting attention doesn’t have to be done in a group of people. You can attract the attention of just one or two people! It will honestly develop into a better relationship in general.

Posting in 2AM in the morning because I was up doing something stupid again. I was stalking myself and trying to find my blog from Google using only my name. HAHA! Didn’t work out AT ALL! I feel you Mindez.

I was trying to find someone else’s blog too. That I will just leave it as that.

Oh well, I actually cheered up much more after reading my Super depressing posts from before. Not that I get my happiness from sadness, but because I see that I actually grew a lot more comfortable in my own skin. That is something to give thanks for!

Well, the Lord will provide! πŸ™‚

Thank you people that commented to support me during that hard period. Thank you for caring and watching out for me! Appreciate it very much! Do let me have a meal with you! So if you can Guess who, it’s S, C, E, E, K. If you are who they are and you guessed correctly, do claim a meal from me! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Oh well, HAPPY GUESSING! 😁

I need to apologise if this blog gets a bit too melancholic. Paiseh! I tend to think WAY too much and feel WAY too many emotions. My outlets of brightness/sanguine-ness is just different I guess! This blog really caters to my needs because of how I think some things needs to be said, but just not in real life because of how I think. I think that conflicts can be put to the minimum if we just tolerate and have self control. So I do that a lot. Good and bad I guess. This blog just becomes my outlet for all the ugly stuff, but I get to avoid 60% of conflicts. However, some things needs to be said in real life. So that 40% is unavoidable.

Oh well. 40% come my way. I will settle all of you until I am left with like 1% of the unsolvables. So that 1% just go away! HAHA!

Ok my thoughts are totally not coherent now. Ooooo, I can use Chim words now! Haha!

Goodnight! πŸ™‚

-Kelvin-

=366= Words Of Melancholy: No Way In

There really is no way in.

No way into your life.

Oh well, I have no idea what that dream was about, but I guess I am just overthinking.

No way in. How will that happen? Haha.

I really need to sleep and forget all the memories.

I want an awkward encounter that will give me like 5 minutes to settle things.

Oh well, no way in.

No way in.

No way in.

Goodnight.

=365= Reflections: Intern 2Β 

I am really enjoying my internship so far.

Sure, this may not exactly be the kind of life I want to have, but you know, it isn’t as bad as I thought. I guess that first week was just a huge culture shock for me.

The second month in and I am gaining stamina. I am enjoying my time in the company.

Like having my meals provided for whenever there is a show is honestly really good. I save so much on food! Like the past week I spent so little! On Friday, I only spent like $5.80 for the whole month! Of course, I did spend a lot on other stuff, but I really think that it was good!

The people are nice!

There are some conflicts but in my naive and perfect world, I honestly think that they are all very nice individuals! 

Now let’s go away from my internship experience and talk about something else.

There has been one person that has been getting on my nerves. I honestly cannot stand bad attitude and arrogance. There is only two words to describe such a person. No matter how ironic(considering that I am younger than him) the two words are, “young punk.”

That is coming from a guy that is significantly younger than him. Just how arrogant can you be?

People, if you want to be great, let me tell you how. 

Do small things first. 

If you don’t do small things first how can someone trust you with the big things?

The thing is that the small things are not mutually exclusive from the big. People doing big things often have to do small things themselves too.

Acting like you know everything but you are so freaking incompetent and lazy, oh Gosh, please stop. You are annoying.

If that isn’t bad enough, you treat me as if I am stupid. Wow, great move.

Ok enough Kelvin.
Next thing.

Don’t be the guy that complains about drama, but you backstab someone behind his/her back. Especially not the guy that appears friendly with everyone but backstab them all behind all their backs, spouting lies to poison all their relationships.

Ok enough said.
Next thing.

There often is that line that you draw after doing things, to get people’s attention, to not be annoying. It is hard to draw that line with people.

There is also this awkward stage when you try to talk to the newcomer and he knows that you are there because you are in a group that requires you to do so. How does one get out of that stage?
Next thing.

Shaming a kid in front of everyone might get everyone’s attention back to you, but just think of what will happen to that kid. Can you imagine this? I hang out with all my friends and because my friends laughed at my joke the first time so I am repeating the joke several more times till it got a bit dry and annoying. Then I got told off by someone and everyone scolds me. Will I be afraid of returning to this group of friends?

I often wonder if people actually care about the feelings of their kids in people ministry.

Sure some kids may be disruptive, but can’t you understand them a bit. If you want to scold them, can you wait until the end of the lesson to scold them? I see absolutely no long term benefits of shaming people. 

Follow up after a rebuke is very important. If you do it right, that kid is closer to you, if you do it wrong, the kid is never coming back. Always remember to follow up.

Talking about follow up, follow up after an alter call is important too. Don’t miss a chance to minister to your kids.

A kid being disruptive is no reason for you not having a good and engaging lesson. Honestly, I strongly believe in using their disruptive energy for something else. If they want attention, can’t you just form a lesson to let him have that attention? If someone is drawing during a lesson and refuses to stop. Why not for the next lesson have an activity that requires them to draw. You will be surprised at how it can capture their attention without shaming them or scolding them.

I see the need to scold people in Emerge. I really do. I guess I was coming from a perspective that kids gets scolded by their parents often at home. I simply don’t want my cell to be another platform for them to be scolded. In my own naive and perfect world, me pouring out my patience and love to them will allow them to in turn see what I am doing and over time come to be disciplined. Just let me live in that world please! HAHA!
Next thing.

I see a group of very committed and amazing group of leaders in Emerge. Next step, in my opinion, should be grounding the word. Though they are great leaders, I still see inmaturity in depth. Like sometimes they would agree to things that aren’t accurate or stated in the Bible. I see a need to explain context of the Bible to them.

Needing to follow the book and lessons is really restrictive. :/ I come from a style that just do whatever I see the cell needs and plan a lesson on that. Needing to follow the book to fit the schedule is really crimping my style. 😦 Like if I want to play a game to help them have depth for context on what they are reading in the Bible, I cannot, because I have to follow the schedule. Which is quite sad. I mean, if I teach them about context and the Bible, I honestly think that they will understand the lessons better. Oh well, good and bad I guess.
Next thing.

I really respect Ah Zai. He is really someone that everyone likes in the company. He is hardworking and friendly. Not arrogant. Humble. Complains but doesn’t put himself higher. Complains but doesn’t put people lower. People that are humble and serves gains favour from people.

Ok Japalang thoughts all over again! So yeah! Thank God! πŸ™‚

-Kelvin-

=364= Words of Melancholy: Tired

Gosh, I have no idea how I can be SOO tired.

Oh well.

My heart is in pain from suppressing all my feelings.

Oh well.

Not in any state to do anything, but you know, heart over mind, I need to mind over heart.

It honestly sucks that I am so tired.

Wanted to go for lunch but cannot because I am so freaking tired.

And honestly I don’t really like Astons, expensive for not much! Of course, it is better than some places, but still, nah.

Sorry! HAHA! I am earning an intern’s pay.

Just how do secondary school students afford this kinda food every single week?

I guess I am feeling a bit inferior and useless once again. I mean like I can still go for service but I haven’t been teaching much. I cannot control the crowd well enough. Cannot play and serve. Even in SE-ing, couldn’t exactly perform well as well. -sigh-

I do need to stop being so negative and self pitying myself.

Look to God you idiot. Look to God and find your worth in Him.

I am tired, please give me rest Lord!

=363= Reflections: Lust

Honestly, this post was never ever meant to be posted. I mean who the heck even talks about their own struggles with lust? No idea why, but I thought that it was timely and I felt at ease typing out this post.

I won’t go into the details of my whole story, for the internet seriously isn’t a platform for me to reveal everything private about my life, but let’s just say that I am seriously struggling with lust and that i have been struggling very long with it.

Lust could be referring to many things. As google says, is a strong sexual desire. So if you are referring to Lust as simply a sex drive, it honestly has nothing wrong with it. Sex drive is good. Sex is good. God made sex. Gave us a sexual appetite so that we won’t slack off and not “be fruitful and multiply”. Without sex drive, the earth will probably no longer have any humans and animals. Just like an appetite for food, if no one is hungry or craving to eat, we honestly won’t and will definitely die.

However, the lust that I am referring to is a sexual desire that dishonours God. The lust I am referring to is basically “bad sex drive”.

What is bad sex drive?

Do I even have to tell you? Just look at the world and how sex driven it has become and how it has hurt and wrecked so many lives throughout time.

Prostitution.

Adultery.

Pornography.

Sex before marriage.

I don’t even have to list them all, but i know that Lust hurts and destroy lives.

Let me just talk about two things. One, how disgusted I am of Lust. Two, how even though i am a christian and i am disgusted at Lust, I still struggle SO hard with Lust.

Let’s start from a typical Singapore drama.

“We need to talk.” The girl told his boyfriend.

“What? What happened?”

“I…. I am…. Pregnant…” The girl stutters as she is scared of how he would react.

The boyfriend pauses. His eyes changes from shock to anger.

“How could this be! Are you lying so i would get married with you? No. NO. Β You better abort it. I am not going to take responsibility of it.”

“NO! The baby is innocent!”

“I am innocent too, I am not the father of that baby!”

I don’t know how your reaction would be like, but it honestly is a really sad story. Just imagine this happening to your closest friend or sister. If this happens to someone I am close to, I really think i would just punch that guy in the face. You knocked up my close friend, you had someone so amazing in love with you and you do this kind of irresponsible thing? I just cannot. Can you at least man up and take responsibility? Be a freaking man you idiot.

Haha, hypothetical anger over a hypothetical man!

In this story, it just showed that intimacy should only come after commitment. To paraphrase Joshua Harris’ quote, “intimacy is the reward of commitment.” This applies both physically and emotionally. Why have sex with someone if he/she won’t commit to you. Oh and saying that he/she will marry you isn’t commitment. Actually getting married is. If he/she loves you, he/she can wait until he/she marries you to have sex.

If anyone simply follows what i just said and marry to have sex, i think marriages are now at risk. You will probably see divorce rates go even higher. After all, people are simply getting married to have sex right? SO once my wife doesn’t satisfy me anymore, I can divorce her and get married to someone else right?

NO.

The Bible says that if anyone divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her a victim of adultery and anyone that marries the divorced women commits adultery.

Basically, if your wife did not commit adultery with anyone else, you can’t divorce her according to Hebrews.

I am aware of the very grey areas in divorce. I know that there are many reasons that a couple will get a divorce. I am honestly not wise enough to judge. However, I believe that we can all agree that getting a divorce because my wife doesn’t satisfy me sexually anymore is a horrible and bad excuse to get a divorce.

Marriage is sacred guys, please do not treat it lightly.

Let’s go into adultery.

This is really sad too. Can you just imagine your dad coming home one day, telling you that he is leaving your family because he hooked up with someone at work, she got pregnant and he needs to be responsible for her.

The children will probably go, “Then who is going to be responsible for me?”

How dare you defile the marriage bed. How dare you dishonour your wife. How dare you dishonour your children. How dare you dishonour God.

Can you see how complicated the situation is? The father is in the worst spot ever; whatever decision he makes will be a bad one.

In King David’s situation, because of his Lust, his bad sex drive, he committed adultery with Bathsheba. (Curious thought, did King David rape Bathsheba? There is little account for it, so it is just adultery) After that, because of his wretchedness, he killed Uriah. He got rebuked and lost a son.

I think(i am not sure) adultery back in King David’s day was a bit different because polygamy was allowed? Polygamy in the old testament usually has a reason. Like Jacob married both Leah and Rachel because his father-in -law tricked him. Abraham married Hagar, because Sarah was barren and she told him to. However, Polygamy still is no reason to mess around with someone’s wife.

There is now child prostitution, child pornography, on top of regular ones. Can you just please realise just how much you are hurting them?

You are destroying someone’s future and purity. Just how is he/she going to live a normal life?

You having more Lust each day just going to result in you not being satisfied with what you had yesterday and wanting more extreme sexual pleasures. It will in turn fuel the industry more and more and destroy more lives.

It honestly is a fire that will burn away everything you own.

However, as i reprimand others, I reprimand myself too. I too struggle with Lust. It is honestly one of the toughest thing to break out of.

I broke out from it once and stayed cleaned for more than a year. However, due to a period of a colourless season, I fell right back into it. I have been trying SO hard to get out, but i can’t.

I am not trying to justify my sin. I can’t, I have sinned. I couldn’t control my flesh and have fallen. That is a fact, I can’t change that. I am still serving God nevertheless. I once heard a story from a mentor about how someone in the worship team that was still in sexual sin was pulled out of the worship team. I remember hearing that story before i even entered the worship team. Now that i have entered myself and have been serving for several years already and I am experiencing the same thing, I thought I would be pulled out from the worship team. The same mentor that told me the story never did pull me out. I continued to worship God and lead others into worship. I continued to teach cell and taught my kids what is right and wrong.

Honestly, I feel like a hypocrite. Saying so much about how Lust hurts and destroys lives but I myself commit the same sin.

It is not like i haven’t been trying. You have no idea about the measures i have taken so that i won’t tempt myself. I used to sleep without my bolster and blanket. Refuse to bring my phone in to the toilet to use. Enable restrictions on websites on my phone and have someone else key in the code so I won’t be able to have access to it. Open my freaking eyes when my mind fantasise about something i am not supposed to. Try to text someone when i feel tempted. Go for a run when i felt tempted. Give up manga because it tempts me so much. I tried. I tried. I tried. I still failed.

Kennaf once prayed over this issue and told me that he received the word “thorn.” As in the thorn in the flesh in Paul. It was a thorn in his flesh to keep Paul from being conceited. I often see this as Pastor Leon’s hearing as well. Something to keep man humble to draw man back to God, to remind man that God is still in control of your life. If that is the case, i have many. My horrible horrible eyes. My eczema. My jaw. My speech and playing. I moan and groan over all my thorns and cry out to God to take them away and heal me, but no healing. I really want to experience God’s healing one day. Be it here or in heaven. Either way, Kelvin, you wake up your idea and worship him. Rid of all my pride Lord.

God is still good and He still loves me. He died for me. He took on my sin and cleared me of any debt. This is the truth that everyone in church has heard SOOO many times, but it is only when you actually experience it that you learn how to declare it over your life.

I can still tell you that I love God. I still do. I want to honour Him with my purity and body. I love God that is why i am still serving Him to the best of my abilities. I serve God because I love God.

I cannot justify my sins, I cannot say or do anything that will make my sin good. However, God can make me good. He can take my sin and wash it away. I am sorry Lord, please take me back, I will fail again and again, please do such an amazing work in my life and allow me to continue to honour you and serve you.

There is freedom in God’s love.

Lord, continue to sanctify me. Make me a righteous person that is after your own heart.

King David did commit adultery, but he was still considered righteous despite having everyone know about his dirty deed. However, it was because he came back to you and worshiped you that he became one of the most amazing character of the Bible.

Lord, give me a David heart.

Thank you Lord.

-Amen-

It has been such a long post. Whew, I am tired. Let me rest now Lord. πŸ™‚

-Kelvin-

=362= Words Of Melancholy: Ruth

https://blessedonenthu.wordpress.com/2014/07/28/97-sleepless-nights-ruth/

I posted that post almost two years ago, saying that I am feeling sad that i have to sell my drum set away. However, after such a long period of time, I still didn’t sell it, mainly because no one wants a drum set at my price. 😦

People just don’t understand what my drum set is. Sure, it is full of dust and oxidation, but, all my heads are replaced, tuned and sounding great. There is dust, but the drums sounds amazing, isn’t that more important?

You have no idea how much i went through with it. I practiced so hard on it. I went through so many things with it. I went through so many drum rehearsals, exams, covers, etc etc. I discovered so much with it. I learn so much from tuning to technique to proper drum handling and maintenance from it.

Now that someone actually is willing to trade her electronic drumset with me, I am becoming very sentimental again. 😦

It just got too real too soon.

I want Ruth to be a drum set that continues to let people discover the love for drumming.

I want Ruth to be played and loved.

I know it is a non-living thing, but there is just that connection with the instrument that people have you know. I mean, just what kinda guitarist doesn’t go into his/her world when playing his/her guitar? I have that same feeling with Ruth. I can play whatever i want, even if it is off time, even if it is sounding bad, because whenever i play, it’s voice sings with me and we create music together. That is just the most beautiful thing that Ruth could give me; the love of music and drums.

I don’t know. I kinda want it with me until I pass it down to someone that is trying to play but haven’t discovered their passion yet. Let Ruth take you on a journey of learning and have it blow your mind away!

However, I kinda need it to go too… hias… Just why can’t drums be softer?

-Kelvin-