=363= Reflections: Lust

Honestly, this post was never ever meant to be posted. I mean who the heck even talks about their own struggles with lust? No idea why, but I thought that it was timely and I felt at ease typing out this post.

I won’t go into the details of my whole story, for the internet seriously isn’t a platform for me to reveal everything private about my life, but let’s just say that I am seriously struggling with lust and that i have been struggling very long with it.

Lust could be referring to many things. As google says, is a strong sexual desire. So if you are referring to Lust as simply a sex drive, it honestly has nothing wrong with it. Sex drive is good. Sex is good. God made sex. Gave us a sexual appetite so that we won’t slack off and not “be fruitful and multiply”. Without sex drive, the earth will probably no longer have any humans and animals. Just like an appetite for food, if no one is hungry or craving to eat, we honestly won’t and will definitely die.

However, the lust that I am referring to is a sexual desire that dishonours God. The lust I am referring to is basically “bad sex drive”.

What is bad sex drive?

Do I even have to tell you? Just look at the world and how sex driven it has become and how it has hurt and wrecked so many lives throughout time.

Prostitution.

Adultery.

Pornography.

Sex before marriage.

I don’t even have to list them all, but i know that Lust hurts and destroy lives.

Let me just talk about two things. One, how disgusted I am of Lust. Two, how even though i am a christian and i am disgusted at Lust, I still struggle SO hard with Lust.

Let’s start from a typical Singapore drama.

“We need to talk.” The girl told his boyfriend.

“What? What happened?”

“I…. I am…. Pregnant…” The girl stutters as she is scared of how he would react.

The boyfriend pauses. His eyes changes from shock to anger.

“How could this be! Are you lying so i would get married with you? No. NO.  You better abort it. I am not going to take responsibility of it.”

“NO! The baby is innocent!”

“I am innocent too, I am not the father of that baby!”

I don’t know how your reaction would be like, but it honestly is a really sad story. Just imagine this happening to your closest friend or sister. If this happens to someone I am close to, I really think i would just punch that guy in the face. You knocked up my close friend, you had someone so amazing in love with you and you do this kind of irresponsible thing? I just cannot. Can you at least man up and take responsibility? Be a freaking man you idiot.

Haha, hypothetical anger over a hypothetical man!

In this story, it just showed that intimacy should only come after commitment. To paraphrase Joshua Harris’ quote, “intimacy is the reward of commitment.” This applies both physically and emotionally. Why have sex with someone if he/she won’t commit to you. Oh and saying that he/she will marry you isn’t commitment. Actually getting married is. If he/she loves you, he/she can wait until he/she marries you to have sex.

If anyone simply follows what i just said and marry to have sex, i think marriages are now at risk. You will probably see divorce rates go even higher. After all, people are simply getting married to have sex right? SO once my wife doesn’t satisfy me anymore, I can divorce her and get married to someone else right?

NO.

The Bible says that if anyone divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her a victim of adultery and anyone that marries the divorced women commits adultery.

Basically, if your wife did not commit adultery with anyone else, you can’t divorce her according to Hebrews.

I am aware of the very grey areas in divorce. I know that there are many reasons that a couple will get a divorce. I am honestly not wise enough to judge. However, I believe that we can all agree that getting a divorce because my wife doesn’t satisfy me sexually anymore is a horrible and bad excuse to get a divorce.

Marriage is sacred guys, please do not treat it lightly.

Let’s go into adultery.

This is really sad too. Can you just imagine your dad coming home one day, telling you that he is leaving your family because he hooked up with someone at work, she got pregnant and he needs to be responsible for her.

The children will probably go, “Then who is going to be responsible for me?”

How dare you defile the marriage bed. How dare you dishonour your wife. How dare you dishonour your children. How dare you dishonour God.

Can you see how complicated the situation is? The father is in the worst spot ever; whatever decision he makes will be a bad one.

In King David’s situation, because of his Lust, his bad sex drive, he committed adultery with Bathsheba. (Curious thought, did King David rape Bathsheba? There is little account for it, so it is just adultery) After that, because of his wretchedness, he killed Uriah. He got rebuked and lost a son.

I think(i am not sure) adultery back in King David’s day was a bit different because polygamy was allowed? Polygamy in the old testament usually has a reason. Like Jacob married both Leah and Rachel because his father-in -law tricked him. Abraham married Hagar, because Sarah was barren and she told him to. However, Polygamy still is no reason to mess around with someone’s wife.

There is now child prostitution, child pornography, on top of regular ones. Can you just please realise just how much you are hurting them?

You are destroying someone’s future and purity. Just how is he/she going to live a normal life?

You having more Lust each day just going to result in you not being satisfied with what you had yesterday and wanting more extreme sexual pleasures. It will in turn fuel the industry more and more and destroy more lives.

It honestly is a fire that will burn away everything you own.

However, as i reprimand others, I reprimand myself too. I too struggle with Lust. It is honestly one of the toughest thing to break out of.

I broke out from it once and stayed cleaned for more than a year. However, due to a period of a colourless season, I fell right back into it. I have been trying SO hard to get out, but i can’t.

I am not trying to justify my sin. I can’t, I have sinned. I couldn’t control my flesh and have fallen. That is a fact, I can’t change that. I am still serving God nevertheless. I once heard a story from a mentor about how someone in the worship team that was still in sexual sin was pulled out of the worship team. I remember hearing that story before i even entered the worship team. Now that i have entered myself and have been serving for several years already and I am experiencing the same thing, I thought I would be pulled out from the worship team. The same mentor that told me the story never did pull me out. I continued to worship God and lead others into worship. I continued to teach cell and taught my kids what is right and wrong.

Honestly, I feel like a hypocrite. Saying so much about how Lust hurts and destroys lives but I myself commit the same sin.

It is not like i haven’t been trying. You have no idea about the measures i have taken so that i won’t tempt myself. I used to sleep without my bolster and blanket. Refuse to bring my phone in to the toilet to use. Enable restrictions on websites on my phone and have someone else key in the code so I won’t be able to have access to it. Open my freaking eyes when my mind fantasise about something i am not supposed to. Try to text someone when i feel tempted. Go for a run when i felt tempted. Give up manga because it tempts me so much. I tried. I tried. I tried. I still failed.

Kennaf once prayed over this issue and told me that he received the word “thorn.” As in the thorn in the flesh in Paul. It was a thorn in his flesh to keep Paul from being conceited. I often see this as Pastor Leon’s hearing as well. Something to keep man humble to draw man back to God, to remind man that God is still in control of your life. If that is the case, i have many. My horrible horrible eyes. My eczema. My jaw. My speech and playing. I moan and groan over all my thorns and cry out to God to take them away and heal me, but no healing. I really want to experience God’s healing one day. Be it here or in heaven. Either way, Kelvin, you wake up your idea and worship him. Rid of all my pride Lord.

God is still good and He still loves me. He died for me. He took on my sin and cleared me of any debt. This is the truth that everyone in church has heard SOOO many times, but it is only when you actually experience it that you learn how to declare it over your life.

I can still tell you that I love God. I still do. I want to honour Him with my purity and body. I love God that is why i am still serving Him to the best of my abilities. I serve God because I love God.

I cannot justify my sins, I cannot say or do anything that will make my sin good. However, God can make me good. He can take my sin and wash it away. I am sorry Lord, please take me back, I will fail again and again, please do such an amazing work in my life and allow me to continue to honour you and serve you.

There is freedom in God’s love.

Lord, continue to sanctify me. Make me a righteous person that is after your own heart.

King David did commit adultery, but he was still considered righteous despite having everyone know about his dirty deed. However, it was because he came back to you and worshiped you that he became one of the most amazing character of the Bible.

Lord, give me a David heart.

Thank you Lord.

-Amen-

It has been such a long post. Whew, I am tired. Let me rest now Lord. 🙂

-Kelvin-

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s