I always had this imagination of the time that I will one day interact with C again. I will hear a familiar voice that i haven’t heard in ages.
Today, during the altar call, i heard a familiar voice pray for me, it wasn’t C of course, but it was a voice that I was even more familiar with. I heard that voice very often this year, but it had been so long that i heard it during prayer. I broke down. Even more so than why i went out to the altar for. I missed that voice. I really did. I remembered all the memories and it just made me weep.
I still can’t say that we are back to where we were. I doubt we ever will. I honestly doubt so. Lord, can you please do something?
I really loved that person. I dreamt together with that person. I shared my heart out with that person. I told that person what was on my heart. I never ever thought about life without him back then. I thought we would be going strong until we get married and we will both have families of our own and be good buddies until we die. I honestly loved that person. Even more so than C. I thought of him as my brother, I wanted him to share with me his experiences, i want to share with him mine. Giving each other wisdom. I loved him.
I can’t believe I am crying as i am typing this.
Lord, can I ask for this constant to come back to me? It really is very hard for me to live like this.
But Lord, I just really don’t want to be hurt again.
Lord, I loved him but he pushed me away, Lord, I wanted him to rely on me and i wanted to be there for him, but he pushed me away, he acted as if he didn’t know me. He acted as if he didn’t know me. That night in retreat was the absolute worse.
Father, this broke my heart. How I must have broken yours even more. I just kept running away from you. Kept pushing you away. Kept acting as if you weren’t there. Just like how i want to try something with him, can i please try something with you Lord? Let me reconcile with you?
One week one time for one hour, just me worshiping you in a room.
I don’t know. People who reads my blog, can you please give me advice? I really don’t know how to move. I thought my heart had soften alr, but really, it has just hardened even more over the years. Help me, I need help.
Truly, the outward commotion reveals the inward condition.
Really Lord, you are all I have.