I had the best night sleep of my life. I woke up feeling so well. Perhaps me reading Matt’s Journals gave me some peace. Matt isn’t totally gone from my life yet. Going to work seemed more like a routine now.
After Matt’s death, I started to really be more aware of life around me. Life is really fragile. Losing someone that close to me just reminded me to treasure the people that are still here with me. Not only that, because life is fragile, I started noticing what i have been doing with my life. I haven’t done one thing that i am proud of in my life. I wanted to teach underprivileged kids since I graduated from JC, but I have not even visited the underprivileged, much less teach them.
I simply went with what society wanted me to do, to find a well paying job and settle down with a guy. Found a well paying job, to settle down with a guy? Not even close. My past two relationships had been horrible. The first guy wanted sex five months into the relationship. I refused because I always believed in no sex until we tied the knot. After that, he broke up with me. The second guy was even worse, he was two timing me with a girl at his workplace. I was just so angry at him, I broke up with him immediately even though he repeatedly asked for a chance. -Sigh- Where have all the good guys gone?
I look at my desk job and my love life and I really think that I am not doing anything right in my life. I feel like resigning, but I refrain because I am scared that i will be unable to support myself.
At my cubicle at work, I have several objects on my desk. One of them was this cute toy that Matt gave me for my birthday. I just started working in the company and I wasn’t feeling great already. My superiors take credit for my work. I get backstabbed by my peers. Going to work was hell.
Matt’s university was near my workplace and we would have these lunches just to catch up. I was complaining to him about how horrible my job was and he was complaining to me about how tiring university life was as compared to the army. We continued to chat and we talked about that movie and i just told him how cute i thought the characters were. Macdonalds was selling the character’s toys and I could never get it because the queue was just insane and the toys were impossible to get. I jokingly told Matt to queue for me.
Two days later, Matt gave me the toy together with a note saying, “I know work is tough, but here is something to cheer you up!”
I was so touched that i treated Matt to a meal afterwards.
OH, Wait, I have his journals now! I can read his thoughts!
On the bus home, I tried googling the release date of that movie so that i can cross reference that to a date so that I can find Matt’s thoughts.
I got home. Opened the box and flipped through the pages to find that date.
After about 5 books, i found the right one. That day he wrote:
Thank you so much for letting me get the toy from macdonalds. Lord, it was such a strange experience. I spent my two hour long lunch break queuing but I still couldn’t get it. I went back to school for lecture empty handed, but when i returned, there were still some toys available! Thank you Lord, she will definitely cheer up MUCH more! 🙂 Father, do cheer her up, she has been so down recently because of work. Help her in her job, give her better and closer friends than she has now.
Lord, if these feelings aren’t from you, will you please take them away? Father, i don’t want her to be a distraction. Lord, may i still focus on you. However, I am still a mess when i am around her. Lord, I love her so much. I really want to pursue her. To give my all, to go all out to chase her. Work my ass off to win her heart. But Lord, it isn’t the right time. She now has a boyfriend, I cannot bring myself to do it, because i know that it is wrong.
Lord, please help me now.
Matt actually had feelings for me?