=384= Stories To Tell: I Am Going To Ask Her Out Tonight Part 3

I had the best night sleep of my life. I woke up feeling so well. Perhaps me reading Matt’s Journals gave me some peace. Matt isn’t totally gone from my life yet. Going to work seemed more like a routine now.

After Matt’s death, I started to really be more aware of life around me. Life is really fragile. Losing someone that close to me just reminded me to treasure the people that are still here with me. Not only that, because life is fragile, I started noticing what i have been doing with my life. I haven’t done one thing that i am proud of in my life. I wanted to teach underprivileged kids since I graduated from JC, but I have not even visited the underprivileged, much less teach them.

I simply went with what society wanted me to do, to find a well paying job and settle down with a guy. Found a well paying job, to settle down with a guy? Not even close. My past two relationships had been horrible. The first guy wanted sex five months into the relationship. I refused because I always believed in no sex until we tied the knot. After that, he broke up with me. The second guy was even worse, he was two timing me with a girl at his workplace. I was just so angry at him, I broke up with him immediately even though he repeatedly asked for a chance. -Sigh- Where have all the good guys gone?

I look at my desk job and my love life and I really think that I am not doing anything right in my life. I feel like resigning, but I refrain because I am scared that i will be unable to support myself.

At my cubicle at work, I have several objects on my desk. One of them was this cute toy that Matt gave me for my birthday. I just started working in the company and I wasn’t feeling great already. My superiors take credit for my work. I get backstabbed by my peers. Going to work was hell.

Matt’s university was near my workplace and we would have these lunches just to catch up. I was complaining to him about how horrible my job was and he was complaining to me about how tiring university life was as compared to the army. We continued to chat and we talked about that movie and i just told him how cute i thought the characters were. Macdonalds was selling the character’s toys and I could never get it because the queue was just insane and the toys were impossible to get. I jokingly told Matt to queue for me.

Two days later, Matt gave me the toy together with a note saying, “I know work is tough, but here is something to cheer you up!”

I was so touched that i treated Matt to a meal afterwards.

OH, Wait, I have his journals now! I can read his thoughts!

On the bus home, I tried googling the release date of that movie so that i can cross reference that to a date so that I can find Matt’s thoughts.

I got home. Opened the box and flipped through the pages to find that date.

After about 5 books, i found the right one. That day he wrote:

Dear God,

Thank you so much for letting me get the toy from macdonalds. Lord, it was such a strange experience. I spent my two hour long lunch break queuing but I still couldn’t get it. I went back to school for lecture empty handed, but when i returned, there were still some toys available! Thank you Lord, she will definitely cheer up MUCH more! πŸ™‚ Father, do cheer her up, she has been so down recently because of work. Help her in her job, give her better and closer friends than she has now.

Lord, if these feelings aren’t from you, will you please take them away? Father, i don’t want her to be a distraction. Lord, may i still focus on you. However, I am still a mess when i am around her. Lord, I love her so much. I really want to pursue her. To give my all, to go all out to chase her. Work my ass off to win her heart. But Lord, it isn’t the right time. She now has a boyfriend, I cannot bring myself to do it, because i know that it is wrong.

Lord, please help me now.



Matt actually had feelings for me?

=383= Words of Joy: Vision Came ThroughΒ 

Today was such an emotional day for me on so many levels.

I didn’t know anything about the worship stage being brought forward for the worship encounter week until yesterday. Leb asked if I could help and I did. It was cool. I mean, ever since I entered internship I just became so technical. It is both a blessing and a curse I guess, I now get so annoyed with bad technical performance. I seriously think we need to train a video department in G1. To learn how to smoothly transit. To learn how to come early to make sure everything is up and running. Maybe, just maybe.

Anyways, I helped Leb set up a stage for the worship team, off stage. It was really cool. The congre was surrounding the worship team. The worship team is worshipping among the congregation.

It was today, when Bro Ken told us about how he was excited and scared for the event that I felt a huge burden and presence of God. It was heavy, but not overbearing. It was sweet. When I felt it, I knew we need to treat the hall with God’s presence with a certain amount of sacredness. As though I was standing in the holy of holies and people are not going to treat it with great reverence. I prayed and I teared. How could I, as a leader, have treated this presence with such a lack of reverence? To come into the house of God as though I am going to meet friends. To come into His house and not feeling blessed to be able to come before Him and worship Him?

I thought of a library. I always thought if I ever need to explain treating God’s presence with sacredness and reverence, the closest thing to what we can kinda relate to is a library. A library is silent. Almost everyone that enters a library automatically quietens down. There is this respect for the place and people that enters stay quiet.

They know that they are supposed to be quiet because there are people there and they are quiet. Being quiet seem to have a greater impact and power than being louder. Just remember the class that is noisy and the teacher just stays quiet until the class quietens down and listen. I really think that there is a certain power that comes from being silent. Humans are noisy people you know. We only stay silent when we are interacting with someone we respect.

Like a general walking into the room of recruits, the recruits will definitely stay quiet once they know someone with power and authority is in the room.

Holding something or someone with reverence and sacredness is treating that something or someone with the due respect. 

I can recall some of the most amazing breakthroughs in R-AGE were born out of silence.

I had this picture of a silent room that people who wants to meet God will enter and meet God. Once they pass through the doors, they will hear the silence and feel the authority of the presence in the room. Keeping the room sacred and consecrated.

So I asked Leb if it was possible for them to not be so hyped and enthu for the “WELCOME!” And he told them to moderate the greetings.

Then when it came to the worship, I remembered a moment in my life. Back in Bare Bones Conference, I remembered that we had this workshop. We were in the old G1 Chapel. Then the team was making us try to plan our own service. I remembered grouping with phoebe they all. Then we were just thinking it would be very cool if we had the worship leaders out in the congregation and not on stage. Break the distance between them you know. That vision came through, though it was just a simple young wish. Not only the worship leaders was down, the whole team came down. I just teared again because of how this simple dream of mine was made real. I just give thanks to God for making this dream of mine come through 

It was absolutely surreal for me. I was very encouraged.

The whole event of teaching the kids the different ways of worship was VERY successful. I honestly was skeptical at first. I mean I was just thinking of the event as activities for kids. I was imagining the chaos, the laughing, etc etc, but no, none of that happened. All the kids were engaged, all the kids were serious about what they were doing. I love that they kept the attitude of worship even after the 4 songs were over. It absolutely amazing.

Next was the video for Randy. Somehow or another, I became the director of the birthday video for Randy. Well, it was just because I had more experience with such things. I realised after such a long time that such creative projects needs to have a way of deciding things. The problem with my group in Poly is that we are just too indecisive. We dump in a lot of ideas, but no one to decide because we are all too scared to offend each other. To the point where we would just wait until the last moment to decide and by then, we would have to work ALOT harder than if we had just decided from the the start.

It was the same thing. So I just stepped in and took over. I didn’t want to because I thought you know, it was their idea to make a video. However, we aren’t getting anywhere, so I just took over.

So I came out with the concept and edited. I was very sorry to Javier and Denise cause i directed them to do something that just went against the tone of the video. Hence, I could only slot them at the end.

I only thought about what could make things funny, not about the overall video. Things to take note I guess! It was quite cool to watch my video shown on the LED wall though! 😁

Lunch with Sherlyn and EnMing was nice!

Then after hearing about how J offered money to fund E’s trip and how the other troopers still needs money, I decided to give money to E(another one). So yeah, hope it will help! πŸ™‚

I had a bad experience with the security after work somewhere. It was so bad. Not going to mention any details but yeah, I was quite pissed. I don’t know if what I did was the right thing though. 😦

Can’t wait for retreat man!

On another hand, I really miss one of my close friend very much… I hope we won’t become just aquantiances after a few years, that will be quite sad. That is how I feel about Esther and I. 😦 so sad that we are not as close anymore. 😦

-sigh- Lord, are all my friends just going to leave my life after a season? 😦

Okok, stop your depressing talk.

On the brighter hand, I can’t wait to go for retreat! πŸ™‚

It will be so much fun!