=423= Reflections: Thousands Elsewhere

A very farmilar song has this line “better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere.”

I actually don’t really relate to this well over the years. Reason being, I am a very practical and straightforward thinking person. I imagined a kingdom of God and a kingdom somewhere else and like how, God’s kingdom is better.

Me entering Grace Media once again shifted my thinking and made me understand this.

It really isn’t a secret that I really didn’t enjoy myself in my school internship for the past five months, just stalk this blog for a while and you will find posts complaining constantly. Sure it isn’t a life that won’t work, but it really isn’t a life I wanted.

Over there, people weren’t nice, people backstab each other as if the people there were their enemies and act as if they are friends in front of them. They say things in front of the higher authority to bring you down and bring themselves up. In the entire company, there are only a few people I don’t have any problems with. These people are gems for the company I tell you. Zai is still one of the best man I know, the hardest working man that I have ever seen. He is amazing. If they ever let him go, they will lose practically a whole department.

Arrogant, hypocritical, sarcastic, no sense of limits, joke at the expense of others and extremely hard to work with.

In Grace, I worked here for less than a week, I am loving it already. Not that it is more slack, (it may be) but the people there are definitely better. Till today, I still think that Chris is an amazing boss. He is very very very good. Stern but caring. Honestly, he can don’t accept me interning here one, but he still went for it for me. I am very grateful. He also took time out to teach me the system, teaching things that I have never known.

I was talking to a friend. He told me, “Do I regret leaving? Yes, every single day of my life. I am not happy at work. Once I earned enough, I will come back again.”

That was when I realised that that was the same sentiment. I really would hate going back to my company to work again. Honestly, unless you pay me higher, I am not going to even bother.

Even though I will be working way more days per week for Grace, I am honestly not worrying that I will burn out. No I won’t. You have no idea how well they are treating me as compared to my company.

When asked, I will always tell them that they treat me TOO well compared to my internship company.

It is true, I rather work in Grace for a lower pay than to go work in the company for higher pay.

The reason why better is one day in God’s courts than thousands elsewhere is the role in the house. Are you a servant? Or are you a Son?

Very different roles.

I really would rather stay there for One day than spend the rest of my holidays with my company.

Thank you God for blessing me!

-Kelvin-

=422= Songs I Like: Flight

Flight by Lifehouse
I’ve lost my balance
I fell from the trapeze
This act isn’t easy
I’ve been under water
This storm has been raging
These nights are not sleeping
My dreams are now strangers to me

And I need you now
There’s too many miles on my bones
I can’t carry the weight of the world
No, not on my own

Your eyes are like lightning
Your voice is like water
This place is a desert

I’ve been walking in circles
I’m screaming for answers
I might fall into pieces
Or maybe I’m finally breaking through

I need you now
There’s too many miles on my bones
I can’t carry the weight of the world
No, not on my own

No more running, no more hiding
No more hurting, no more crying
No more trouble, no more sighing
No more falling, no more striving
No more heartache, no more fighting
No more fears, only flying
~
For the record, Lifehouse’s Out Of The Wasteland album is AMAZING! I just got it and I am flipping over every single track! It is going me my next Tenth Avenue North Cathedrals.

I am getting a bit sentimental because one of the very first few albums I have bought was Lifehouse’s No Name Face. Alongside Switchfoot’s Vice Verses. That was one of my go to albums if I don’t know what to listen to. Now in my library of 1000+ songs, that album is still highly regarded.

The feels when that particular music album has been part of your life for so many years and now comes one more from the same band that can match up to it! I am going to love this album for many years to come! 🙂

Stardust is still my favourite track, but Flight just has that very nice feels!

The last stanza man. 

No more running, no more hiding
No more hurting, no more crying
No more trouble, no more sighing
No more falling, no more striving
No more heartache, no more fighting
No more fears, only flying

-Kelvin-

=421= Worship On/Off Stage: Full Volume

Well, today was Full Volume, it really was a time when it must be God working, because, honestly, my playing is SUPER off form, time keeping? HA. Shaky inconsistencies.

However, somehow God used my imperfect playing and led the band well. It honestly was quite tough to manage SOO many things. Time-keeping with the metronome, listening to the worship leader, playing the right groove and parts. There were just too many things to handle. I really found myself distracted and it was difficult to worship or play. Probably due to a lack of practice with the click and band for so many months. Having difficult songs was also tough, but fun lah! SOO much syncopation. I just felt that it was bad because like everyone isn’t together because I would speed up here and there. Oh well, time to work on the click!

I did surprise myself with some stuff that I have played. Like Glorious Ruins, I didn’t follow what I prepared. I felt inspired to play a rumble with the back beat on the rims. Somehow, it works! Like it was really what I was inspired to do and in that prayer when Sam was praying over the congregation, WOW, there was this release in my heart. That was probably my personal breakthrough in my worship.

Then, at G1, for Sing and Shout, we did the chorus quite often, to the point when I found that the beat was a bit boring. Then, slowly, I crashed more and more and eventually, I played a ride beat, quite nice! HAHA! I mean at least one more level of dynamics.

I honestly, kept on speeding up. I think it is a result of me being used to using the metronome. Now I can hear myself when I am speeding up. Like it is WAY more obvious to me now.

However, what surprised me was that Bro Leb told me that I did a good job after service. I WAS SOOOOOOO SURPRISED. HAHAHA! Come to think of it, is this the first time Leb said that to me about my playing? I think so leh! HAHA!

To God be the glory, because, not my playing that is great, it is my God that is great!

Thank you Lord, may I continue to worship you for the rest of my life!

-Amen-

-Kelvin-

=420= Reflections: Other

Well, I am cramping quite a lot of posts tonight. HAHA!

Other, or Significant Other.

I dunno about you, but I am lonely quite often. Especially when I am in the youth ministry and the average age there is significantly lower than my age. Peers my age are few and I really think that they are hard to talk to. Of course, there are exceptions, but I really find it hard to talk to someone my age now.

I guess it is a combination of like talking to young people for too long, having people my age to be of higher position than me and like not interacting with people my age.

With all of that, I am surprised at myself. I am not desperately wanting a girlfriend. I mean, I do get crushes here and there, but honestly, I am not in a hurry.

Whenever I get a bit pained and hurt relationship wise, it is always because of like my own expectation of their response to me. I am a Sanguine, so I absorb a lot from people’s responses to me. Like how they respond will either drain me or boost me. I do put in more effort and buy more stuff for people I am closer to, this is true for both guys and girls, but guys just seldom show their feelings you know. So it is honestly harder to buy stuff for them. I would buy stuff for guys that I am close to as well. Just might be a bit lesser.

However, yeah, buying stupid gifts for girls might not be a wise thing to do, because they might misunderstand. SO yeah, watching myself. Thank you, you who is reading this, you know who you are! HAHA!

However, honestly, sometimes I just buy stuff as a joke! HAHA! Like with Elsa, I bought her rose syrup just because it was funny(and delicious)! Then like, I buy a lot of people stuff because I just thought it was funny you know. Like Claire and the Spinach! AHAHAHA! I just want to have a good laugh and people enjoy and laugh too. Anything lah!

ZF asked me during the Emerge BBQ, what are some qualities in a girl that is my ideal type. Well, I can only think of one. Because I am the person I am right? I kinda want a partner that will play with me and do stupid things with me, AHAHAHA! I mean, laugh with me, man! However, I also want her to be wiser than me and would scold me when I have gone overboard.

I have a very strong desire to ask C out for a meal. Just to catch up and talk. However, I am hesitating because it might not be the wisest thing to do. Reading someone’s post recently did help me to think a bit in her shoes. Well, it is true that the way I handled my affections were too blatant and yet too wishy washy. I just want to meet up so that I can not only have some closure but, have my friend back. I do miss her, but not in a romantic way anymore. It is hard to explain this.

What do you call a feeling of unromantic love even after the person has hurt you? I don’t know. However, I still do want my friendship back. Even if we won’t go back to where we were(We definitely won’t), I would want to at least be on good terms you know. For both C and J.

I just think that we have both grown up, we haven really spoken in years, I think we are mature enough to tackle a problem that we didn’t years back. This broken friendship with C has affected my clique’s relationship too. I just want to fix it.

I just feel like, it isn’t right you know. I am a person that will get heartbroken, sad and drained if a person just avoids me. I want to fix every bad relationship/misunderstanding I have with a person. If I don’t, I feel kinda weird.

I am just scared that when I try to touch the pan again, I will get burned again, the residual feelings start gushing out and Kelvin becomes stupid again.

May I always be looking towards God.

“It is pretty one sided right?” Said a dear pastor of mine back in Leader’s Retreat a few years back.

I couldn’t see it for myself back then and tried to convince him that it wasn’t. After so many years, one post just woke me up, yes it really was. I mistook a lot of acts of friendliness and politeness as her liking me as well. I mistook her putting her head on my shoulders, her talking to me in a totally different manner than our friends as her liking me.

Perhaps, all she really did was treat me as a best friend and I was just being stupid and not wanting to see that. I don’t blame her for what she did, I understand, I probably wouldn’t know what to do as well if I were in her shoes. I was just hurt that she rather give up our friendship than to work it out with me; setting me straight and telling me that she only liked me as a best friend. After this reflection, I realise that I am really no wiser than my friend that chose the longer path. I just chose to walk a different one and it isn’t exactly short either. HA! It took me 3 whole years to realise this simple fact. Tsk Kelvin.

People are people, different people react differently to things. I cannot expect a certain response from a certain person. I can only give and see if they respond. However, let me say one thing alright?

ANYONE and I mean ANYONE reading this now, PLEASE, if things ever get too weird between you and me, PLEASE tell me. I REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to lose my friends. You who cared enough to read my blog, if you care so much for me, I will care the same for you.

Thank you, God, for this. I felt like something just released from my heart and the burden just reduced again. if my heart is by percentage, I must have received a small percentage back from the Devil that has been blinding me.

May the Lord, humble me again and again. I love you, God. Thank you SOOO much.

Thank you for your hand in my life and on my heart. 🙂

-Kelvin-

=419= Reflections: Faithful

Let me start by saying that God is VERY faithful to me. I thought I  would waste my holidays away, but NO! I am getting a very good job with decent pay. Now reflecting after my 5 months internship, I was a horrible intern in Grace Media. Honestly, if I were to do the exact same thing again, I will slap myself. NO WAY. Buck up and do a WAY better job this time, Kelvin.

I just read a blog, it is funny, like the person hasn’t updated in months, so I began to read the person’s older posts.

It was so raw. I enjoy such posts because I am actually knowing you better.

Lord, may I commune in a raw manner with you too.

Yes God, be significant in my life.

I am seeing that you are pouring a lot of favour my way. I give thanks, God. Next year, I am probably taking up new roles that I have never taken up before. Lord, please equip me. I am already feeling inadequate in where I am, new and heavier responsibilities? Father, how can you have such faith in me? I don’t even have such faith in myself.

However, I remind myself that this life isn’t about me, it is about you Lord. So I worship you, Father. Teach me how to live out my life for you.

Teach me how to rely on you for strength God.

Thank you Father.

-Amen-

-Kelvin-

=417= Words of Melancholy: Heart Broken

Let me first say, thank you Mr S.R. Nathan for your contribution to Singapore.

Today, I am absolutely heartbroken at the way an ex-cell kid of mine talked to me when he bumped into me.

He wanted to avoid me I could see. He didn’t want to hi-five me when I brought my hand up. He was irritable when I talked. Do you know how much that hurt me?

I mean, I poured my life into yours. I took time out to meet you to teach you. I loved you and journeyed with you for so many years. I chased after you made sure you were doing fine. After all of that, you treat me as though I was someone you didn’t want to see?

I am honestly just disappointed. Years of love and care for you, a relationship that we established and built, how can you just throw that away so easily?

Not being a christian is no excuse to not talk to me. Even if you believe in something else now, does my years of leading you and loving you no longer count for anything now?

Father, you know I love my boys. I lead them in the best way I could. I tried to be a good example. I was more vulnerable to them than any other group of people. I shared my struggles and my victories. I never asked for them to be perfect. I only asked for them to love you.

Lord, will you please bring him back? 

Remind him of your goodness admist the bad of this world. Lord, remind him of what you have done for him. Father, bring him back Lord.

Today was a day of going to places to look for particular things, but not finding the things that I want. Hence, I either need to wait, or find it somewhere else.

For the record, I actually learned how to cycle last Thurs! It was fun! Really! So now I am going to buy a bicycle. I am very interested in the Vert V8, but out of stock. So waiting for it now. Alternatives are ugly, not as many features and more expensive. 😦

I wanna buy a Glideco grandtourer scooter, but the place I was looking at is no longer bringing in the product.

I wanna buy a Djembe, it either too expensive or not mechanically tuned. Toca Percussion Djembes are soon going to be hard to find in Singapore. 😦 Yamaha is going to stop carrying it. Accent doesn’t bring them in. Argh.

It is just SOOO hard to find a decent sounding djembe that is mechanically tuned and at a good price.

Today was just a day of feeling that I just didn’t do much.

I am however quite thankful for a person! HAHA! This person followed my blog and watched out for me. So yeah, have been fun talking to this person. This person made me teach resistance in a circuit to this person’s Sister. While this person goes to sleep… WOW! HAHAHA! Okok! Thank you so much! Appreciate it! 🙂

Been good lah! Just a little heartbroken over my kid.

-Kelvin-