=420= Reflections: Other

Well, I am cramping quite a lot of posts tonight. HAHA!

Other, or Significant Other.

I dunno about you, but I am lonely quite often. Especially when I am in the youth ministry and the average age there is significantly lower than my age. Peers my age are few and I really think that they are hard to talk to. Of course, there are exceptions, but I really find it hard to talk to someone my age now.

I guess it is a combination of like talking to young people for too long, having people my age to be of higher position than me and like not interacting with people my age.

With all of that, I am surprised at myself. I am not desperately wanting a girlfriend. I mean, I do get crushes here and there, but honestly, I am not in a hurry.

Whenever I get a bit pained and hurt relationship wise, it is always because of like my own expectation of their response to me. I am a Sanguine, so I absorb a lot from people’s responses to me. Like how they respond will either drain me or boost me. I do put in more effort and buy more stuff for people I am closer to, this is true for both guys and girls, but guys just seldom show their feelings you know. So it is honestly harder to buy stuff for them. I would buy stuff for guys that I am close to as well. Just might be a bit lesser.

However, yeah, buying stupid gifts for girls might not be a wise thing to do, because they might misunderstand. SO yeah, watching myself. Thank you, you who is reading this, you know who you are! HAHA!

However, honestly, sometimes I just buy stuff as a joke! HAHA! Like with Elsa, I bought her rose syrup just because it was funny(and delicious)! Then like, I buy a lot of people stuff because I just thought it was funny you know. Like Claire and the Spinach! AHAHAHA! I just want to have a good laugh and people enjoy and laugh too. Anything lah!

ZF asked me during the Emerge BBQ, what are some qualities in a girl that is my ideal type. Well, I can only think of one. Because I am the person I am right? I kinda want a partner that will play with me and do stupid things with me, AHAHAHA! I mean, laugh with me, man! However, I also want her to be wiser than me and would scold me when I have gone overboard.

I have a very strong desire to ask C out for a meal. Just to catch up and talk. However, I am hesitating because it might not be the wisest thing to do. Reading someone’s post recently did help me to think a bit in her shoes. Well, it is true that the way I handled my affections were too blatant and yet too wishy washy. I just want to meet up so that I can not only have some closure but, have my friend back. I do miss her, but not in a romantic way anymore. It is hard to explain this.

What do you call a feeling of unromantic love even after the person has hurt you? I don’t know. However, I still do want my friendship back. Even if we won’t go back to where we were(We definitely won’t), I would want to at least be on good terms you know. For both C and J.

I just think that we have both grown up, we haven really spoken in years, I think we are mature enough to tackle a problem that we didn’t years back. This broken friendship with C has affected my clique’s relationship too. I just want to fix it.

I just feel like, it isn’t right you know. I am a person that will get heartbroken, sad and drained if a person just avoids me. I want to fix every bad relationship/misunderstanding I have with a person. If I don’t, I feel kinda weird.

I am just scared that when I try to touch the pan again, I will get burned again, the residual feelings start gushing out and Kelvin becomes stupid again.

May I always be looking towards God.

“It is pretty one sided right?” Said a dear pastor of mine back in Leader’s Retreat a few years back.

I couldn’t see it for myself back then and tried to convince him that it wasn’t. After so many years, one post just woke me up, yes it really was. I mistook a lot of acts of friendliness and politeness as her liking me as well. I mistook her putting her head on my shoulders, her talking to me in a totally different manner than our friends as her liking me.

Perhaps, all she really did was treat me as a best friend and I was just being stupid and not wanting to see that. I don’t blame her for what she did, I understand, I probably wouldn’t know what to do as well if I were in her shoes. I was just hurt that she rather give up our friendship than to work it out with me; setting me straight and telling me that she only liked me as a best friend. After this reflection, I realise that I am really no wiser than my friend that chose the longer path. I just chose to walk a different one and it isn’t exactly short either. HA! It took me 3 whole years to realise this simple fact. Tsk Kelvin.

People are people, different people react differently to things. I cannot expect a certain response from a certain person. I can only give and see if they respond. However, let me say one thing alright?

ANYONE and I mean ANYONE reading this now, PLEASE, if things ever get too weird between you and me, PLEASE tell me. I REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to lose my friends. You who cared enough to read my blog, if you care so much for me, I will care the same for you.

Thank you, God, for this. I felt like something just released from my heart and the burden just reduced again. if my heart is by percentage, I must have received a small percentage back from the Devil that has been blinding me.

May the Lord, humble me again and again. I love you, God. Thank you SOOO much.

Thank you for your hand in my life and on my heart. 🙂

-Kelvin-

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