=463= Reflections: Kindred Spirit

Tonight, my heart is full from sharing my struggles as a 20 year old that have given a lot of my time in ministry.

It pains my heart when I see someone having to go through the same thing.

It seems like I have found someone that will cover a lot of my flaws in the new ministry. C really has fantastic ideas and concerns when it came to the job.

Being a rather lepak big picture guy, I am glad that someone will be more alert to the details that people don’t catch.

I am just glad that I have found someone with a similar heart; someone with a kindred spirit. 

Tonight, there was this rather bad tension in the air. There are so many burdens and conflicts that cannot be seen. I actually want to carry this burden. I want to be someone that people can rely on.

Lord, make me a man that people can rely on?

-Kelvin-

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=462= Stories to Tell: Avoiding Me?

“Are you avoiding me?” The question that I avioded for such a long time finally came out of her mouth.

I contemplated the responses I could give.

Totally disregard it?
“No! HAHA! What are you talking about?”

Be totally passive aggresive?
“No, I am fine!”

Be totally sarcastic?
“Yes! I have been avoiding you for 8 years already and I still cannot get rid of you!”

Instead I decided to say this, “I am sorry… But yes…”

Elyse’s face became really worried and concerned, “But why? What have I done wrong?” She asked.

There really isn’t much I can say.

What can I say when I am indebted to her father? Her father is a Supreme Court judge. He took me in a his student and godson when I was 15, he paid for all my studies and even now as a licensed lawyer, he still makes opportunities for me. Initially, when he observed and noticed that I fancy her daughter, he was rather supportive. However, he found my character to be too impatient and crude. He talked to me about it. So he told me that I can only begin to date and pursue his daughter after I stop cursing for a year.

There was no judge following me around to make sure I don’t curse. It is all up to my honesty. However, he made it very clear that if I do complete it, I will grow into a man that is worthy of his daughter.

I pondered about it and thought that it was really good. I do want to be a man that Elyse can be proud of.

The first few weeks were going great. Then when I lost a case in court, I cursed out of frustration. To be honest and to keep score, I told Elyse’s Father, Uncle Randall that I cursed.

The whole cycle went on.

I would go clean for weeks and with a minor setback, BAM, back to ground zero.

My brain often makes excuses to not tell Uncle Randall about it. Saying that the word doesn’t count, or saying to that degree isn’t that bad. However, no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I will say it and come clean with Uncle once again.

To make things even worse, Elyse is getting closer to my own co-worker, David. David was of similar role as me, but he recently got promoted and is now a junior partner.

The agreement with Elyse’s dad bound me from making any advancements on my part. Even if I do, I can only do it as a friend. Watching her slowly getting closer to David. Seeing how she makes her laugh more, seeing how she talks more with him just made me jealous.

It really isn’t a nice feeling. Being unable to do anything to pursue you. While acting as if it doesn’t affect me when it clearly does.

The more I saw David hanging out with you, the more heartbroken I felt.

Not that I ever told her that I liked her, not that we were together before, it is just that someone I really want to have a future with is slipping out of my hands. I really don’t want to lose her. Someone as beautiful as her. Someone as amazing in character and personality. Why must I give her up?

I went to ask Uncle Randall. He told me, “because you are not ready.”

“But, I am earning enough to support her!” I protested.

“But you are not mature enough. You are immature emotionally. You are insercure. You are not comfortable in your own skin. How can I trust you with my daughter? David is a good mature young man, I can trust him with my daughter.”

At the back of my head I thought, “and I am not?”

I thought that knowing Elyse for such a long time meant that she will be closer to me, but that is not the case. She continued to be closer to David. That really didn’t feel good at all.

Hence, I decided. If I am unable to pursue her because of my own stupid actions that I cannot control, maybe I should just forget about her completely. I then went for a good two months cutting off any form of contact with her.

It was difficult of course. Trying o stop myself from having affections for her.

Then came to today. While I was in the company’s pantry, she came in and sat me down and asked me if I was avoiding her.

I told her yes but I honestly couldn’t tell her the reason was because I had no self control to stop cursing and that I cannot stand her being so close to David.

“But why? What have I done wrong?” Elyse asked with that concerned look on her face.

“There isn’t much reason I guess. I just honestly cannot stand that I am the one that is trying all the time, when you just don’t even respond.”

“But don’t I always respond?”

“Yeah, you respond by pushing my sincerity away and being closer to other people even when they don’t do a single thing for you. When others are down, you are sensitive enough to care for them. When I am depressed, you don’t even notice it.”

Elyse stayed quiet. Her face seemed as though she wanted to say something, but she refrained.

“When was the last time we talked? When was the last time we hung out and shared our lives with each other? My presence had no impact on you whatsoever. So why should I care?”

“Because we have been good friends for years and you matter a lot to me!” Elyse said.

“Well, we have been friends for so long but are we good friends? You have no idea how to support me and I have no idea how to support you. Whenever I want to care for you, you push me away. What do you want me to do?”

“You never asked me about my life, you never asked me about what I liked, who I liked, you never even gave a little bit of concern to me.” I continued.

“You know what, I really don’t want to see you slowly slipping out of my life as though as you never needed me. Do you know how it feels when I see you with another person laughing with them when I am here all lonely and need you more? No more.” I finished and left.

I really felt like crying.

The woman I really really like cannot know my true feelings until I am ready. Uncle Randall, is it really necessary that I need to control my feelings? I feel like a contortionist from a circus, except, I am neither flexible nor out for show, I am stuck and have no one to understand me.

Uncle Randall, I really like Elyse. i don’t want to avoid her anymore. Can I please have her hand?

~

Simply a reflection on an impatient man wanting to get into a relationship with someone before its time, lost friendship and a lack of communication.

May the next generation be wiser.

-Kelvin-