=465= Reflections: The Right One Spoiled

Well, perhaps, at this point of time, no matter what I give, will be the wrong thing.

Perhaps at the core of everything lies the promise I made with God. This evil coveting is not good Kelvin.

Look to God.

Look to God always.

You think you know everything, but you clearly don’t Kelvin.

Kelvin, you are loved. You had someone die for you. Kelvin, you are a whole person. You have been made new.

You stop thinking so much.

Stop it right now Kelvin.

Kelvin Tan Wei Wen, you are God’s child, not His enemy. Stop acting as if God is against you. Stop.

Worship God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.

Love, Kelvin, Love.

-Kelvin-

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=464= Word: Head Heavy

Well, dunno whether I studied too much, my head feels a bit heavy now. I have no idea why I am stressed.

Been thinking a lot about how things are going to work out. To be honest, I doubt it will.

I guess my heart is a bit heavy too. I just want to be treated normally, but no, why must people be awkward around me?

I notice the same process way too often. People who are close that stopped contact for a while find it hard to interact with me. Why?

Am I really that high maintainence? I mean, all I am expecting is like to be close and friendly, even after a long period of time. Is it that hard?

Been noticing myself once again. I suprised myself that I am no longer saying C’s name when I am feeling down. In fact, I haven’t for a while now. It was just a subconscious thing back then. I would just sigh and say C’s name. Mainly because she was the reason why I was sad in that season. I don’t even remember when I stopped. However, today I realised when I sighed, I said something else. I just broke out of it and rejoiced that the pain from C is almost taken out. Now, I just hope and wish that it can be completely taken out when she is finally ready to meet me.

People found it crazy and weird that I would go and contact someone that I haven’t talked to in 3 years. Is it though? I mean, hey, if something isn’t resolved, does that mean that I shouldn’t resolve it? Just because it isn’t resolved for 3 years?

I don’t know.

Until the day when we meet each other and it is no longer awkward, that will be the day it is resolved.

On another hand, I really want to receive something from someone. I hope I don’t have to wait another 6 years to receive it this time.

My desire as a friend? That you would rely on me when you are down or in trouble.

-Kelvin-

=463= Reflections: Kindred Spirit

Tonight, my heart is full from sharing my struggles as a 20 year old that have given a lot of my time in ministry.

It pains my heart when I see someone having to go through the same thing.

It seems like I have found someone that will cover a lot of my flaws in the new ministry. C really has fantastic ideas and concerns when it came to the job.

Being a rather lepak big picture guy, I am glad that someone will be more alert to the details that people don’t catch.

I am just glad that I have found someone with a similar heart; someone with a kindred spirit. 

Tonight, there was this rather bad tension in the air. There are so many burdens and conflicts that cannot be seen. I actually want to carry this burden. I want to be someone that people can rely on.

Lord, make me a man that people can rely on?

-Kelvin-

=462= Stories to Tell: Avoiding Me?

“Are you avoiding me?” The question that I avioded for such a long time finally came out of her mouth.

I contemplated the responses I could give.

Totally disregard it?
“No! HAHA! What are you talking about?”

Be totally passive aggresive?
“No, I am fine!”

Be totally sarcastic?
“Yes! I have been avoiding you for 8 years already and I still cannot get rid of you!”

Instead I decided to say this, “I am sorry… But yes…”

Elyse’s face became really worried and concerned, “But why? What have I done wrong?” She asked.

There really isn’t much I can say.

What can I say when I am indebted to her father? Her father is a Supreme Court judge. He took me in a his student and godson when I was 15, he paid for all my studies and even now as a licensed lawyer, he still makes opportunities for me. Initially, when he observed and noticed that I fancy her daughter, he was rather supportive. However, he found my character to be too impatient and crude. He talked to me about it. So he told me that I can only begin to date and pursue his daughter after I stop cursing for a year.

There was no judge following me around to make sure I don’t curse. It is all up to my honesty. However, he made it very clear that if I do complete it, I will grow into a man that is worthy of his daughter.

I pondered about it and thought that it was really good. I do want to be a man that Elyse can be proud of.

The first few weeks were going great. Then when I lost a case in court, I cursed out of frustration. To be honest and to keep score, I told Elyse’s Father, Uncle Randall that I cursed.

The whole cycle went on.

I would go clean for weeks and with a minor setback, BAM, back to ground zero.

My brain often makes excuses to not tell Uncle Randall about it. Saying that the word doesn’t count, or saying to that degree isn’t that bad. However, no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I will say it and come clean with Uncle once again.

To make things even worse, Elyse is getting closer to my own co-worker, David. David was of similar role as me, but he recently got promoted and is now a junior partner.

The agreement with Elyse’s dad bound me from making any advancements on my part. Even if I do, I can only do it as a friend. Watching her slowly getting closer to David. Seeing how she makes her laugh more, seeing how she talks more with him just made me jealous.

It really isn’t a nice feeling. Being unable to do anything to pursue you. While acting as if it doesn’t affect me when it clearly does.

The more I saw David hanging out with you, the more heartbroken I felt.

Not that I ever told her that I liked her, not that we were together before, it is just that someone I really want to have a future with is slipping out of my hands. I really don’t want to lose her. Someone as beautiful as her. Someone as amazing in character and personality. Why must I give her up?

I went to ask Uncle Randall. He told me, “because you are not ready.”

“But, I am earning enough to support her!” I protested.

“But you are not mature enough. You are immature emotionally. You are insercure. You are not comfortable in your own skin. How can I trust you with my daughter? David is a good mature young man, I can trust him with my daughter.”

At the back of my head I thought, “and I am not?”

I thought that knowing Elyse for such a long time meant that she will be closer to me, but that is not the case. She continued to be closer to David. That really didn’t feel good at all.

Hence, I decided. If I am unable to pursue her because of my own stupid actions that I cannot control, maybe I should just forget about her completely. I then went for a good two months cutting off any form of contact with her.

It was difficult of course. Trying o stop myself from having affections for her.

Then came to today. While I was in the company’s pantry, she came in and sat me down and asked me if I was avoiding her.

I told her yes but I honestly couldn’t tell her the reason was because I had no self control to stop cursing and that I cannot stand her being so close to David.

“But why? What have I done wrong?” Elyse asked with that concerned look on her face.

“There isn’t much reason I guess. I just honestly cannot stand that I am the one that is trying all the time, when you just don’t even respond.”

“But don’t I always respond?”

“Yeah, you respond by pushing my sincerity away and being closer to other people even when they don’t do a single thing for you. When others are down, you are sensitive enough to care for them. When I am depressed, you don’t even notice it.”

Elyse stayed quiet. Her face seemed as though she wanted to say something, but she refrained.

“When was the last time we talked? When was the last time we hung out and shared our lives with each other? My presence had no impact on you whatsoever. So why should I care?”

“Because we have been good friends for years and you matter a lot to me!” Elyse said.

“Well, we have been friends for so long but are we good friends? You have no idea how to support me and I have no idea how to support you. Whenever I want to care for you, you push me away. What do you want me to do?”

“You never asked me about my life, you never asked me about what I liked, who I liked, you never even gave a little bit of concern to me.” I continued.

“You know what, I really don’t want to see you slowly slipping out of my life as though as you never needed me. Do you know how it feels when I see you with another person laughing with them when I am here all lonely and need you more? No more.” I finished and left.

I really felt like crying.

The woman I really really like cannot know my true feelings until I am ready. Uncle Randall, is it really necessary that I need to control my feelings? I feel like a contortionist from a circus, except, I am neither flexible nor out for show, I am stuck and have no one to understand me.

Uncle Randall, I really like Elyse. i don’t want to avoid her anymore. Can I please have her hand?

~

Simply a reflection on an impatient man wanting to get into a relationship with someone before its time, lost friendship and a lack of communication.

May the next generation be wiser.

-Kelvin-

=459= Words of Melancholy: Soon

If I can describe the feeling I feel now, it would be Soon. Soon, it will be time that I have to settle for something else. It is quite depressing for me to realise that I cannot do much. I can only blame myself for being too indulgent. To crave for something that I shouldn’t have.

Soon, I would have no more contact with you. Soon, I won’t be anyone to you. Soon. Very soon. It is going to sting.

Oh my soul, why are you feeling this way? Why are you making the same mistake once again? Why are you not learning?

My soul, just how old are you?

Stop feeling inadequate. Make the best use of what you have. Enough is enough.

Trust God.

Soon the new year will come and you will step up.

Soon, you are going to serve the Lord. Aren’t you glad that you can? 

Where is that fire?

Where is that huge burning passion that you once had?

STOP you shell of a man that was once burning for the Lord. STOP. Stop yourself from looking at yourself. Stop thinking about what people would think of you, but start thinking what people would think of God.

Soon you will enter a new course of life. Soon the chaos and busyness of life now will be what you crave. Soon you will forget what it is like to be working for the Lord and you would crave for it when you remember it.

Soon.

I am heartbroken and tired Lord. I have given much Lord, will you please help me hold on to you?

Teach me how not to grumble. Teach me how not to complain. Teach me how to praise. Teach me how to rejoice.

May the words I say and use be a good reflection for you.

Lord the things of this world may seem good and nice. They might even seem more important. However, Lord, the truth isn’t so. Teach me how to be reassured of your hand in my life.

Lord, you have blessed me much. So now I will serve you and you alone.

Lord, truly you are all that I have.

Teach me to be a man that will willinging give up everything I own to follow you.

-Kelvin-