=484= Word: Worry

This is ridiculous, I was just making a joke.

I mean, I know the sign says, “No jokes about bombs,” but shouldn’t the sign really say, “no bombs?”

I mean isn’t that the guy we really have to worry about here, the guy with the bombs?

Not the guy that jokes about his bombs?

Not that I have bombs, if I did, I probably wouldn’t joke about them, I probably want to keep that rather quiet.

~

Gotta love Chandler

=483= Stories to Tell: Supper

I received a call from my crying niece, she told me that her father, my brother, had taken her favourite toy away from her and she is now at the void deck of her house.

Well, how can I ignore my favourite niece? She is SOOO cute, sharing so much of her life with me. Telling me what classmates she likes or dislikes. What subject she hates. Etc etc. It is always so funny to watch her actions and hear her complain about math.

So I simply told her to wait there for me to come.

When I reached, I saw the little girl at those round tables with her arm on the table and her head covered by the arm. 

I sat behind her waiting for her to notice me. She slowly put her head up to see me. She didn’t give me any hugs like she normally would. She just sat there looking at me as if waiting for an answer.

“How are you?” I said with a empathising smile.

She swallowed and coughed to clear her voice, “Horrible. I no longer have my Zane Toy… Why must Daddy be so unreasonable! He took away my most important thing in my life.”

I smile at how young she was and how small her world is.

“Well, maybe, you have been neglecting your Dad a bit?”

“What is neglecting?” She asked, while trying to regain some composure.

“Neglecting is when you are so busy with something, that you…” I paused to think about how to simplify the word for my Niece, “…give little attention to something or someone. Maybe your Dad wants more time with you?”

“But why do he need to take my Zane Toy away from me? I can spend time with him even with my Zane Toy what!”

“Well, who do you love more your Father or your Toy?”

She paused as if she realised something, but she stayed quiet.

“HAHA! You see? There are things more important that your toy. I am sure that your Dad taking away your toy is something he did because he loves you.”

She pondered for a while, but then she broke out in tears again, “NO! My dad hates me! He doesn’t even let me have what I want.”

“Well, if he gives whatever you want, you will bound to hurt yourself. Can you imagine a one year old toddler asking for scissors? For an adult, it isn’t that dangerous tool, but for a one year old baby, who doesn’t know how to eat food himself, would you trust him with a pair of scissors?”

“NO I DON’T CARE! HE HATES ME, I WANT MY ZANE TOY!”

I tried to calm her down several more times, but she won’t stop making a fuss. Hence, I had it.

“ENOUGH!” I changed to a serious tone and shouted at her.

She looked at me with her teary eyes, stopped her fuss.

“You need to stop pitying yourself so much. You just lost a toy, not your father, you need to gain some composure. I understand your pain, but making such a big fuss over a toy? Come on man, grow up a bit. I am not saying that you shouldn’t be sad. I am not saying that it is wrong to feel sad. However, I am saying that you need to know what is more important and save your tears for those things.”

She looked a bit offended but she was listening to me too, so she didn’t dare to say anything back.

“Ok, so now, what we are going to do now is this. There is a place for supper near here right? Yeah, there is a MacDonalds right around the corner. I am going to buy you supper, you are going to eat. Then, we can chat about how you are feeling, you can cry all you want, BUT, you need to promise me to stop pitying yourself. You are not pitiful. There are people that are way worse than you. Are we ok?”

I brought her to supper and after that, I walked her home to her Father. My Brother was just so glad to see her home and gave her a hug and brought her in.

~

Funny how when you try to write a story to say things you hope to say in real life, but when God enters the picture of the story, it changes the tone entirely. God loves and is slow to anger. Funny how that played out in this story. Well, I hope that in a few years time when I read back, I wil forget what I was trying to say with this story. To forget all the hate and anger, but remember God’s amazing love.

-Kelvin-

=481= Words of Melancholy: Grandstand

I am sitting at the grandstand area just pondering what it would be like.

Lord, my heart is so wicked. No matter how much I scold it, it just seem to want something you told me not to want.

Lord Father, will you please still my soul and satisfy me? I really don’t want myself to turn into someone that I don’t like.

Father, please help me.

There is so much joy sitting here and just hearing the cars pass by and the pool water flow. Not much to see or experience. It is just me resting and admiring what I hear.

Father, will you bless my heart?

Bless me with a strong heart. A strong heart that will never waver. A faith so strong that nothing can shake it.

Father, may I remember who I serve and may I start serving Him again.

Thank you Father.

-Amen-

Sometimes, being a Sang Mel really sucks. I get all the extreme emotions of a Sang and all the overbearing thoughts of a Mel. Sometimes I scold people for being too self depriciating, but yeah luhh, I myself am self depriciating too. I dunno, I guess I just don’t see very highly of myself. I mean, beyond what I can do, who am I? Beyond the abilities that makes me who I am, what will I be when I boil away those elements?

Right now one part of me says, “Nothing” the other part of me says “Everything.”

May I remember that being a child of God is my everything.

Thank you Lord.

-Kelvin-

=480= Reflections: Slowly

Well, the withdrawal symptoms are stopping, mainly because I have a few other people texting me and like it keeps me distracted.

Isn’t it funny that I am avoiding contact because I treasure the friendship? Haha, it is an irony in itself.

Just saying, but I have an evernote to write down stuff that I wanna say/share on Friday! HAHAHA!

So excited to play music with the lecturers. I am so sad that K is leaving. I have gleaned SOOO much from him. These few days, when I do sound in church and I see people cutting the wrong frequencies, I just shake my head. When things need to be settled I catch myself saying a lot of mean stuff. Well, obviously not a very good thing to learn, but yeah, there are reasons why he can say such stuff and get away with them. HAHA!

I think all the sound guys should get a lesson from him man, such a great teacher.

Oh well, time to sleep!

Goodnight people!

-Kelvin-

 

=479= Worship on/off Stage: Distracted

Today I witnessed how my emotions affected my playing.

This morning, due to something that triggered the past night, it exploded and my mood was on an all time down.

I already felt like shit the previous night, but with this on top of it, my heart just became so heavy and burdened. I entered the hall feeling like this. Instead of being focused and set up quickly, I just slowly did everything because I was just not in the mood. I really didn’t feel like worshipping God. Nevertheless, I know my role as a worship leader on drums, I need to worship God in spite of how I feel. So I went on with it.

Sometimes, being a musician that does sound, I get a bit helpless and frustrated when I cannot get the sound I want. However, today, I couldn’t be bothered. I wanted to offer to EQ myself, but I was not in the mood either. Then when I was playing, there was no conviction or any dynamics. Well the only good thing today is that I can actually hear when people are rushing or out of time. As a result, I pull people back in time. Whatever I produced was mediocre. The look on Nat’s face just got me so ashamed and disappointed with myself.

During Soak, as a measure to keep myself busy and not think so much. I made myself do visuals. At the end of it, we were given 7 minutes for ourselves.

I knelt down and prayed to the Lord. I cried out, “Lord, don’t bless me with so much and simply leave me. Father, there is no point with so many talents and gifts if I don’t have you. Lord, if I can choose to give it up, I will give it up to you, for you to come back to me.”

I felt so inadequate and out of place, but nevertheless, I sat behind the drums and played my heart out for God.

It is seriously true that I cannot hide my feelings when I am behind the drums worshipping God. Nothing to distract me, nothing to hide, nothing to show, it is either worship God or not. Hence I played my heart out. It was definitely not the best set I ever played, but it is one that I can say that I worshipped. That is all that mattered.

I am looking forward to playing with the Lecturers! So much fun! 😁

Still suffering from withdrawal symptoms from what I initiated. Sometimes, I would just check telegram unknowingly, then yeah. Perhaps it is a good time to play werewolf! 😂

Thankful for quite a few people that I can talk to. I really enjoy chatting and catching up with life very blessed that I have people to talk to! 🙂

-Kelvin-