=479= Worship on/off Stage: Distracted

Today I witnessed how my emotions affected my playing.

This morning, due to something that triggered the past night, it exploded and my mood was on an all time down.

I already felt like shit the previous night, but with this on top of it, my heart just became so heavy and burdened. I entered the hall feeling like this. Instead of being focused and set up quickly, I just slowly did everything because I was just not in the mood. I really didn’t feel like worshipping God. Nevertheless, I know my role as a worship leader on drums, I need to worship God in spite of how I feel. So I went on with it.

Sometimes, being a musician that does sound, I get a bit helpless and frustrated when I cannot get the sound I want. However, today, I couldn’t be bothered. I wanted to offer to EQ myself, but I was not in the mood either. Then when I was playing, there was no conviction or any dynamics. Well the only good thing today is that I can actually hear when people are rushing or out of time. As a result, I pull people back in time. Whatever I produced was mediocre. The look on Nat’s face just got me so ashamed and disappointed with myself.

During Soak, as a measure to keep myself busy and not think so much. I made myself do visuals. At the end of it, we were given 7 minutes for ourselves.

I knelt down and prayed to the Lord. I cried out, “Lord, don’t bless me with so much and simply leave me. Father, there is no point with so many talents and gifts if I don’t have you. Lord, if I can choose to give it up, I will give it up to you, for you to come back to me.”

I felt so inadequate and out of place, but nevertheless, I sat behind the drums and played my heart out for God.

It is seriously true that I cannot hide my feelings when I am behind the drums worshipping God. Nothing to distract me, nothing to hide, nothing to show, it is either worship God or not. Hence I played my heart out. It was definitely not the best set I ever played, but it is one that I can say that I worshipped. That is all that mattered.

I am looking forward to playing with the Lecturers! So much fun! 😁

Still suffering from withdrawal symptoms from what I initiated. Sometimes, I would just check telegram unknowingly, then yeah. Perhaps it is a good time to play werewolf! 😂

Thankful for quite a few people that I can talk to. I really enjoy chatting and catching up with life very blessed that I have people to talk to! 🙂

-Kelvin-

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