=525= Word: Could Be Better

I think Sam said something really true and funny. Musicians are melancholics and perfectionist, add these two together and you will have people that are hard on others and hard on themselves.

The debrief yesterday, we discussed openly we laughed we discussed ways to sharpen and improve. It was a good atmosphere. HAHA.

I am not sure if I was a damper, I remembered my conclusion was, “It was good, could be better, but it was still good nevertheless.”

Haha, need to learn how to teach music and how to explain my thoughts to people.

I tried explaining my visual images. Like 1st bridge is like bokeh, 2nd bridge is like sparkle, 3rd bridge is fire starting.

Quite hard for them to see and understand, but I guess, I am slowly understanding my approach to music.

Somehow, we need a more engineer, operational way of thinking when we lead a band. I shall think.

Been thinking about some stuff too. Like how scary it is to notice that the excitement and adrenaline wears out and you find yourself finding that same feeling for something else. I always wonder, if I hadn’t stayed with drums, would I have found all these things that I love? Audio, photography, relationships with people. I have no idea. Would I even discover my burden for teaching?

What kept me playing drums?

What kept me shooting photos?

What kept me mixing audio?

What kept me?

How come when the excitement and adrenaline wears off, I am still doing it?

I really wonder what kept me?

What differentiates close friends from normal friends?

Isn’t it just amazing? That among the sheer amount of people in the world, two people will be able to see the good in each other and continue being close friends? The amount of similarities, the amount of flaws, man, how does one decide, hey you are my close Friend?

What makes someone so special that will make one like them more than other people?

What makes a man close to another?

How does one look past flaws and accepts one?

How does one trust?

Sometimes a feel, it is all in a gambit. A bit of a gamble here and there, try a bit here try a bit there, give in a bit here, give in a bit there. Slowly build it.

How does one decide whether to gamble or not?

How can one trust in another?

If there were problems, how would one react and work stuff out?

I have no idea.

God, you are amazing. The amount of work you have done in me since the last time I had such a close friend, I can clearly see it.

Exhibit A: I constantly get irritated when he was pushing me away to say what he wants and not letting me speak. However, I never told him, I was scared that it would offend him.

Now looking back, I am just such a kid lacking wisdom. Perhaps it was the way I was brought up, I never felt comfortable talking about my feelings then. I was supposed to be the more patient and the quieter one too, so I just didn’t feel right.

Now, I express my irritation. In more ways than one. Perhaps the whispering thing isn’t that wise or right as a way to express, but yeah, it is a way for me to express. Now, I am willing to tell my true feelings whenever I get irritated. I am no longer always the one accommodating.

Talking about accommodating. I am thinking about how sometimes in my relationships with people, I am the one accommodating with them. Not that it is a bad thing, I want to be understanding and accommodating, but I sometimes feel that if a friendship is two sided—and it should be—both sides needs to be accommodating to each other. It cannot be one sided. You have no idea how tiring it would be if it is one sided. Sure in every relationship, there will be one with more patience, but there is a limit. Is there such thing as teaching someone to be more accommodating?

Hahaha. Man, the pursuit of trying to be understood is so tough. 

Exhibit B: I learned how to rely.

Not that I never did rely on him before, but there is a difference when you think, “man, I need to keep this to myself” and when you think, “man, I need to tell so and so.”

The amount of reliance is needed to build a relationship or a friendship. Expectations are things that need to be made clear you know.

Exhibit C: I am a whole lot more active and technical.

Quite strange right? To use the word, “technical” to talk about relationships. Well, I think that a certain amount of technicality is needed. HAHAHA. When you initiate something with someone, how do you initiate it? How do you act it out? When you plan something, how do you execute it? How do you handle stuff?

Things like this are learned. Where is the line to draw? What is too much?

I am still constantly learning. Truly I am hard on others and hard on myself.

I sometimes hear people talk about their “type.” I would then try to think about what my type is and fail miserably. Honestly, I can tell you that I have yet to find mine.

HAHAH.

I mean quite a bit of everything is all based on attraction, circumstance, opportunities, etc etc.

I think it is very important to understand or to realise how a crush or an attraction develops. At the first stage, visually? How attracted are you with the person’s looks. Sure, I can tell you that a person’s personality and character matters a whole lot more, but visually and looks play a part too. At least at the first stage. That is why people with good looks generally get along with more people.

Second stage, how comfortable with the person are you? I am surprised that I would put this as the second stage, but this is true. HAHA. The closer you are with someone the less of your heart you are guarding, the more likely you will start to think. Somehow, you will come to realise that relationships are hard and complicated.

Third stage, personality, hmm. The small quirks. The way someone composes themselves. The way someone speaks. The way someone someone reacts to things. This is when you start to see flaws. This is when you start to get irritated with the person. This will be hard to handle when you are close but that someone’s personality irritates you. That is why I put close before this. I believe that you can be close with someone even when you are irritated with them; even if you see flaws. This will bounce back to how close you guys are. Are you willing to speak about the problems?

Fourth stage, character. We move away from all the quirks and stuff when they interact with you and move to how they interact with others. Do they speak the same? What small things does one do for others that makes you attracted to them? Something I really admire Kiat for is all the little things he does. Like when he sees an Uncle selling tissue, he would go up to him and give him money and rejecting the tissue. When he sees something not too right, he will be the first to go solve it. The little things that one does, I see it and I admire him for it. Truly over the years, I have tried to do some of it. HAHA. I think you guessed it, hold the door for people, buy stuff for them, walk them home, ask “how are you?” Character is something important.

Oh well.

This post is really too long. Haha. Maybe I should have just used my five word posts.

Nah. 

I wonder what is happening now. Does absence actually make the heart fonder? AHAHAHAHA, I just reminded myself of a convo! 😂 You know who you are, talk to me. AHAHAHA!

But does it? I am imagining like crap, “what stop do I stop, where is Kelvin!”

And like

“Sees something, think of a convo, think of Kelvin”

HAHAA, perhaps, perhaps, but I am probably wrong.

My mind is both overly optimistic and pessimistic. I am also imagining, “ah crap, now I haveta talk to Kelvin”

Man, if that ever happens, I don’t think I want to talk to you either.

Overwhelming thoughts.

Oh well.

Goodnight.

-Kelvin-