=587= Words of Melancholy: Passion

Probably just some fears I guess. What if in these two years I lose my passion for music?

I haven’t practiced for almost 2 months and I don’t see myself going to. Not because I don’t want to, but I lack the time and facilities. It is horrible. I can physically feel my ears and hands becoming less sharp.

Musicians have this bad habit of always saying that they feel off form. Funny thing is that, there has never been a time that I feel on form. My melancholic nature just takes out all the good and replaced it all with bad. Even when someone says good job, I don’t know, I just don’t think I am good enough.

This time round, I can really say I am off form. Keeping time, dynamics, being the solid skeleton of the band. Man, I may have to relearn all of that again. 

I don’t mind, HAHA. I am just scared that in this two years, I’ll lose my passion for music. So many dreams that I want to fulfil. Man. I really don’t want to lose music.

I never really thought about this before, but what is it about music that makes me so happy? What about it does it make me so passionate about it?

For one, Music is how I express myself physically and emotionally. When you worship to a song and you are playing your own instrument, creating a drive and emotion, that emotion flows out of you. There have been countless times, when the emotions are so overwhelming that I weep when I play my drums. When you play, it kinda combines both my physical self with the emotional self. My physical playing reflects the emotion. It is a funny thing. Chad Smith once said that if you want your crowd to move, you need to move first. The physical part of drums helps people move. Isn’t it wonderful. HAHA.

Second, I respect the sheer amount of technicalities needed to create a piece of music. The more I dive into music, the more I am learning and the more I admire people that has great insight and knowledge about music. I hate that I have so little to contribute when it comes to arrangements due to my lack of knowledge of chords and music theory. Probably why I dive myself into the technical side of sound engineering.

Somehow after I learned so much about technicals. I really cannot stand sound engineers that aren’t working hard to mix. If your rehearsal is 30 minutes, you spend that 30 minutes mixing. Not sitting there and rest and watch a show. Do you know how much time it takes to get a good mix? If you are telling me 30 minutes is enough to do EQ, Gates, Compressors, set up your board properly, set up reverbs properly, you are not sensitive enough or working hard enough. Be unsatisfied with the mix and try again. Come on. 

Ok lah, perhaps I am too perfectionistic bah. I think the musician side of me flows into my engineer side of me. 

Oh well. God, help me to retain this passion for you Lord.

Thank you Father.

-Amen-

-Kelvin-

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=586= Reflections: Remember

I remember one of my section mate saying this during confinement, “I only miss her(his girlfriend’s) hugs. I cannot even remember her face; I can only remember her hugs.”

Somehow, somehow, I can relate. Something about my human brain that can only remember things like physical contact a lot better than human faces.

Or you know, my brain is just bad with details HAHAH!

Ok, the pre book in dread is kicking in.

I wanna sleeeeeepppppp…. 😭

-Kelvin-

=584= Thanksgiving: Travelling

People that has been talking to me would have known that I have some dreams to backpack by myself to exotic places.

When I was talking to my section mates about it, man, did I surprise myself. HAHA. I actually already went to quite a few.

I have been to India and Sri Lanka. Places that most people won’t go.

I am thankful.

Perhaps instead of backpacking to take photos after I ORD. Maybe I would do missions instead. Take maybe 1 or 2 months out to do it. Would be quite fun. HAHA.

Lord, guide me.

-Kelvin-

=583= Thanksgiving: IPPT

Let’s make this simple.

When I first entered NS, I couldn’t even do a push up or a sit up properly.

My arms were shaking whenever I need to streamline my body. I just didn’t have the strength to pull myself up from my core either.

It is a wonder how I got into enhanced batch. HAHA.

I failed my previous two IPPT with horrible scores. 

First was, 2 push-ups, 25 sit-ups and 11.49.

Haha, just horrible.

Second was 12 push-ups, 32 sit-ups and 12.28.

Running dropped because I was helping my friend.

Today, my results was 18 push-ups, 49 sit-ups and 11.04.

The road to these results was a hard one; forcing myself to do a hundred sit ups and push-ups Everyday.

I focused on my horrible form. From only being able to do 5 properly everytime. I slowly began being able to do 10. Remembering how my body felt everytime. I realised having explosive power is very important. Helped me to extend my limit.

Today when I did, though I was tired, I managed to pull off 18. Not the best score of course, but at least I passed the station.

Sit ups was a surprise! HAHA! My best from my practice was 37. To get 48 was a huge blessing. Thank goodness.

Running, well, I wanted faster, I think I could have gone faster if it didn’t rain. It rained and we had to run in the rain. Though cooling, but it was really quite draining too. Nevertheless. It was still my best timing so far! 🙂

Thank God for the pass!

Now just for field camp! 🙂

Good bye guys for 6 days! 🙂 

-Kelvin-

=582= Word: Try My Luck

I don’t know. I seem to always be the try my luck kinda guy. 

Perhaps I watched too much of episode 5 of Proposal Daisakusen. HAHA! I really understand why the Grandfather acts the way he does. When he wants to do something to appreciate or love his love ones, he would just do it. He would do it because he knows that if he delays it, it might regret it.

Of course there is the other extreme to this spectrum—you just do whatever you feel like doing. This is unhealthy as well.

People seem to need a balance between these two qualities. One having courage to seize the day. Two having patience and wisdom to know whether to seize the day or not.

Seizing the day at the wrong time can lead to horrible consequences. Consequences that I am living with right now. I realised that certain issues take wisdom and not everything should be brought to light.

Love is patient and not self seeking.

How could I forget this. -sigh-

Ok enough of melancholic rants.

Why am I the try my luck kinda guy?

I don’t know. Haha. I just do. Miss Tan always say that I am the do first think later kinda person. Which yes in some ways it is true and it has helped me through some pretty cool parts of my life.

Whenever I think of someone or a group of people, I just try my luck to spend time with them. I suggested watching a movie with the Danjkelv group and we ended up meeting for dinner. I thought of JJ and we ended up running, eating laksa and playing mini ping pong. I thought of Grace Media, I travelled all the way down to the office to see if I could meet them for lunch(without informing them) and I did. We jammed and all. It was fun. I thought of YH and since it was convinient, I went down to her work place to buy, but she wasn’t there. I thought of Miss Tan and so I went down to her work place. Haha but once again she wasn’t there.

I dunno if all these small acts of wanting to spend time with them would be seen as extreme or intense, but I dunno, I just want to meet them lor.

I don’t really want to pick up the mess of not meeting for a long time and we become awkward with each other again. Fight for friendships and relationships is what I have been doing ever since what happened with C, with J and with S.

People have no idea how hard it is to maintain a friendship, but people have no idea how hard it so for me to give up a friendship.

People hear what I do to reconcile and think that I am extreme and that they will never do that. Well, I don’t know lah. If God can pursue me for so long with me always running away from Him. He can love me so much even though I act as if I hate Him. Why can’t I do the same for other people?

However, I am worried sometimes that the constant pursuit will aggravate instead of help the situation.

God’s love is constant and He is constantly pursuing me. However, I only respond to this love because I already had a relationship with God and I love Him.

With people, they seem to be able to put down all love. They seem to be able to put down all memories. When they do that, how am I supposed to pursue them?

If it was up to me, I would be driving every day. I would pursue pursue pursue until it has a breakthrough. However, with people, it is just tricky. I need to watch myself. I wonder what do I have to do?

Must I really give up a friendship that can be restored?

Why is it so hard to see that reconciliation is just the better decision?

Linearly, it makes a whole lot more sense. I gain back my friend and the situation is remedied. What is so bad about that? 

Afraid of new fights? Well, I doubt any fights are unsolvable. Anger will dissolve over time. Is being right really that important? If being right is so important, God wouldn’t have sent Jesus. God loved us so much that he made Jesus take up all the sin of the world. God cared so much about you, loved you so much that he basically forfeited His right as a Divine entity. To humble himself to come down to Earth as a human being to save us. 

God’s great pursuit broken His own judgement. Broken His own laws. He overlooked all of that and he loved you. He loves me.

God,you give me the patience and wisdom. I am done. I have nothing to give anymore. You be my sustenance Lord.

Thank you Father.

Be my strength.

-Kelvin-

=581= Reflections: O Praise The Name

Of the Lord our God.

Somehow, in some crazy way, I got the fastest timing in the company for SOC.

I honestly think that it is some error. My time was 3:26. When SG JJ told me that I got the company’s best time I just went “HUH?”

You must understand me. I couldn’t clear the low wall or low ropes previously. This was actually my first time clearing all the obstacles at once together and my first time crossing the low ropes with my ILBV. I just what.

I saw the time and I am blown away. 

Definitely some error lah, how can it be that I am faster than my super fit bunk mates?

However, I was really emotional when I finally crossed the whole obstacle course. Once I touched the top of the low ropes, I simply laughed and ran. Once I finished, I was so happy to receive my finishing chip. 005. Was I proud to hold it. I just wanted to pass. 

When I went away to relieve myself. A deep emotion of grief overtaken me. God, you are really crazy faithful to me. Father, you blessed me with the ability to pass through it and I still strayed away from you. Father, will you receive me back please? Thank you so much Lord.

Without much thinking, I sang the farmilar song. 

Thank you Lord.

Today, when the news reached me. I was just blowned away. No way. Father, how in the world did I get the best timing? How did I even cross the whole obstacle course within 3:26? I only asked you for a pass for the wall and ropes, but God, why did I even get the best time? Father, your favour for me is really throwing me off.

Truly Lord, you are in control.

I receive this with thanksgiving. Thank you Lord.

O Praise the name of the Lord our God.

Please don’t look away from me Lord, please accept me into your courts again.

Thank you Father.

-Kelvin-