=623= Word: Reason

This will probably be the last post of the year. I have a thought swimming in my head for a while.

Why is it that when you feel lonely, you will be naturally drawn to do something? Why will someone lonely want to be seen doing something?

I thought it was meant to distract yourself, but the more I thought about it, the less I think it is true.

To distract yourself is a personal issue—basically to occupy yourself so that you won’t even think that you are busy. However, what I feel most of time is different. I don’t want to be seen lonely. HAHA.

The answer I arrived at was, “I need a reason to be lonely.”

Basically, when I am lonely, I want it to be justified. For example, I am alone because I am busy doing work. If I have a reason behind why I am lonely, then I won’t be out of place. If not, I am this little dude that is alone without reason.

Being out of place is uncomfortable, so I rather be busy.

HAHA. I have no idea why, but it is just me I guess. Let me see how to get rid of this feeling next year. Time limit is 6 months. Let’s see what I should do.

God, the possibilities are never ending! Show me how you would use me in this season! 🙂

-Kelvin-

=621= Thanksgiving: Change

We were told to write down our thanksgiving for the year yeaterday.

The first line I wrote was, “Thank God for change.”

I wonder why?

I have never been too big on change. I really like my life to be rather routine-like and without any surprises.

What changed? What made me give thanks for the change?

I guess the changes weren’t that bad.

Army was a rather fun time for me. Free food and exercise, what’s not to like? HAHA! I got posted to somewhere that really drilled my discipline. Somehow I realised that I enjoy being disciplined. Upholding a standard is somehow in my blood.

Productions was honestly hell during the first part of the year. It was SOOOO hard. I have no idea how people do it. I am such a messy dude and I need to handle service productions? What? HAHA! However, because of this, I actually managed to expand and grow the ministry. From a one man team, I expanded it to become a four man strong team. It was really fun. It was amazing to see how people step up and grow too.

Cell in YA is just delightful. I got posted to one cell, but I didn’t go for it at all due to how busy I was in school. Then subsequently, it just felt a bit difficult to go into a cell with people I am in farmilar with, on a Friday nonetheless. Then I decided to go to Dan’s cell and it was really fun. The people were loving and caring and I don’t feel like I belong to a clique or anything, my cell is my clique. Thank you Pris and Carlton for making cell so much fun and place I can belong to.

Overall progression of life was currently a bit hard for me. Just being in a different stage of life from people is very hard for me. I find it rather hard to find my place in ministry. People have other people to talk to but I don’t. The people I am close to would talk to other people during it and I find myself out of place very often. So I just sit tight behind consoles so that I am in a comfortable place.

Change is scary and not always good, but oh well, I shall make use of my time to learn a lot more new things. HAHA.

Thank you God for blessing me.

-Kelvin-

=620= Words of Melancholy: Rely

I sometimes wonder, does it matter to other people that friends rely on them?

If it doesn’t then, hey good job, no one is relying on you, you are free to do whatever you want.

If someone does and I am actually putting in effort to help you, isn’t it like common courtesy to help me when I ask for help?

Ok, just for the benefit of people reading, when you borrow a shirt from someone right, it is common courtesy to wash it before returning the shirt back. It isn’t nice at all to return a dirty shirt, but fine, I can give this to you, probably just a matter of ethics.

However, when I ask you for a favour, you can come up with a dozen reasons why not when it is clearly so much easier for you. It is a simple 5 minutes task. So whatever alright, I don’t want to pull your teeth out.

So I just asked someone else then.

However, do people not realise that these kinda decisions or excuses will poison people’s trust in you? When someone rely on you, it is a matter of trust. When you are the first person someone asked for a favour from, you are the person that he think is the best for the role/he trusts you the most. Do you not want people to trust you and rely on you? 
It isn’t that I am demanding you know. If it was tough, I would have understood, but it wasn’t. It makes me wonder why do I even try so hard to help you sometimes.

Is it even worth it to pour and put in so much effort into people? Lord, why are people so annoying? Lord, I feel taken for granted.

There are so many things I do for people. So many things I do and I don’t ask for the same from them, I just want some response. Can you keep my relationships fair? It just seems like I am always giving.

It isn’t like I haven’t been patient; I asked, I got promised, I got asked to change it, I changed it, I got asked to wait, I waited, I prompted, we settled and I got cancelled in the end. That isn’t the best part, there is no effort on the other end to do anything to replace it, even after I tried again. Am I not patient enough? Am I not understanding enough?

It just isn’t fair when other people get more even though they do lesser than me.

When pushing isn’t enough. Perhaps I should just stop pushing all together. Perhaps I should just stop investing in these people.

God ah, will you please help me? 

Help me rid of all these deep seeded expectations and emotions. Lord, help me to be patient. Help me to worship. Help me to be secure in you. For in you, there is peace and assurance. Remember who I am trying to please for that will bring me peace and assurance.

Another thing that was affecting me recently was someone’s post. Been thinking about a season that is going to end and it didn’t hit me until I read the post. When I did, much jealousy and envy gripped my heart. I want to be acknowledged for the effort I put in. I find it so hard to rejoice with people or be happy for even myself. For the same amount of time, I probably put in the same if not more effort as them, but the ones that get the glory is not me.

In some ways, I see the same disparity in NS. The WOs are the ones that have spent more time, more effort on the ground than the Os, but they are paid less and have to pay compliments to the Os. Not even after many years of hard work can they be compared to Os. It is so strange, how the world works. Even if you are doing the same job, even if you are doing more than your job scope, even if you have better judgement, it just cannot be compared to people who are placed in the role.

My Encik used to say, you can rise up high in rank fast, but you cannot buy the hearts of your men. 

Ok, Kelvin, stop these evil thoughts now. Do you do all these to be recognised? Of course not! So why did being recognised matter so much to you now? I know you are tired. I know you tried hard, but that is no reason to bitch and whine about things.

Ok compose, cool down. Things aren’t bad. It isn’t the end of the world.

God loves you and He is amazing. 

Ok, back to living again! 🙂

-Kelvin-

=618= Word: Frustration

Frustration comes when it is simple in your head.

Better to be a good beggar than an evil wise man.

What compels one to take action? What compels one to do things for others?

What compels one to do things in spite of inconvenience?

Lord, help me out. Rebuke this evil spirit in me. Rebuke my poor attitude and soul. Lord, may you be my strong fortress that those that run to it will find shelter and safety. Lord, help me worship you.

Quell my anger and my emotions. Make me look to you.

-Kelvin-

=617= Word: Joy of Serving

The devil is really crafty.

The way he steals the joy of serving is by telling you that what you are doing doesn’t have any meaning. That it will have more meaning if you do something else. He makes you envious of the people that could do the things you cannot.

Stand upon truth Kelvin.

There is no point wallowing in self pity. No, why are you even pitying yourself? Come on. Stand tall! Be proud that you are a child of God.

May the joy of serving my one and only God never leave me.

-Kelvin-