=620= Words of Melancholy: Rely

I sometimes wonder, does it matter to other people that friends rely on them?

If it doesn’t then, hey good job, no one is relying on you, you are free to do whatever you want.

If someone does and I am actually putting in effort to help you, isn’t it like common courtesy to help me when I ask for help?

Ok, just for the benefit of people reading, when you borrow a shirt from someone right, it is common courtesy to wash it before returning the shirt back. It isn’t nice at all to return a dirty shirt, but fine, I can give this to you, probably just a matter of ethics.

However, when I ask you for a favour, you can come up with a dozen reasons why not when it is clearly so much easier for you. It is a simple 5 minutes task. So whatever alright, I don’t want to pull your teeth out.

So I just asked someone else then.

However, do people not realise that these kinda decisions or excuses will poison people’s trust in you? When someone rely on you, it is a matter of trust. When you are the first person someone asked for a favour from, you are the person that he think is the best for the role/he trusts you the most. Do you not want people to trust you and rely on you? 
It isn’t that I am demanding you know. If it was tough, I would have understood, but it wasn’t. It makes me wonder why do I even try so hard to help you sometimes.

Is it even worth it to pour and put in so much effort into people? Lord, why are people so annoying? Lord, I feel taken for granted.

There are so many things I do for people. So many things I do and I don’t ask for the same from them, I just want some response. Can you keep my relationships fair? It just seems like I am always giving.

It isn’t like I haven’t been patient; I asked, I got promised, I got asked to change it, I changed it, I got asked to wait, I waited, I prompted, we settled and I got cancelled in the end. That isn’t the best part, there is no effort on the other end to do anything to replace it, even after I tried again. Am I not patient enough? Am I not understanding enough?

It just isn’t fair when other people get more even though they do lesser than me.

When pushing isn’t enough. Perhaps I should just stop pushing all together. Perhaps I should just stop investing in these people.

God ah, will you please help me? 

Help me rid of all these deep seeded expectations and emotions. Lord, help me to be patient. Help me to worship. Help me to be secure in you. For in you, there is peace and assurance. Remember who I am trying to please for that will bring me peace and assurance.

Another thing that was affecting me recently was someone’s post. Been thinking about a season that is going to end and it didn’t hit me until I read the post. When I did, much jealousy and envy gripped my heart. I want to be acknowledged for the effort I put in. I find it so hard to rejoice with people or be happy for even myself. For the same amount of time, I probably put in the same if not more effort as them, but the ones that get the glory is not me.

In some ways, I see the same disparity in NS. The WOs are the ones that have spent more time, more effort on the ground than the Os, but they are paid less and have to pay compliments to the Os. Not even after many years of hard work can they be compared to Os. It is so strange, how the world works. Even if you are doing the same job, even if you are doing more than your job scope, even if you have better judgement, it just cannot be compared to people who are placed in the role.

My Encik used to say, you can rise up high in rank fast, but you cannot buy the hearts of your men. 

Ok, Kelvin, stop these evil thoughts now. Do you do all these to be recognised? Of course not! So why did being recognised matter so much to you now? I know you are tired. I know you tried hard, but that is no reason to bitch and whine about things.

Ok compose, cool down. Things aren’t bad. It isn’t the end of the world.

God loves you and He is amazing. 

Ok, back to living again! 🙂