=66= Melancholic Reflections: PFP District Camp

I want to cry. I walked out of the familiar place with a heavy heart. I held my hand out and spoke words like i normally do, but nothing has yet lighten my burden. All i could do is walk and say “Thank You God”.

I am on the bus home from my PFP camp. I am extremely depressed. I don’t want this to end. I want this friendship. I want this sense of unity.

I signed up to be a GL for this camp when my classmates posted the link on whatsapp. I really wanted to do it for it sounds really fun to lead a group of freshies and to make new friends. I was scared though. Especially when they texted me to say that i have an interview. I guess i could say that my interview went well; i became an official GL!

Only one word can describe my first outing together with the GLs, AWKWARD. For many of them came from their individual classes, they would talk to only those of their class. I would often cry out to God because of this awkwardness. However, there were people who tried their best to know me and i give thanks for that. This awkwardness did not fade away until the bonding camp.

Well, the bonding camp was simple. We come, we play games that the freshies are gonna play. Yet, even simple things can bond a group together. We came together so many times. My favourite was the guys coming together to eat maggi meethen we gathered at the girls’ loft to bond and discuss some things.

I did not turn up for any more meetings after that. Not because i am lazy, but because i went overseas. Then, i met together with Gen to do up our identities! I guess we got slightly closer. Geneva is quite an inverted person who thinks a lot before she does anything. I am the same. You may think, “Hey, that is great!”, but you have to consider that when both leaders come together, we spent most of our time, thinking. We often have awkward pauses while discussing.

Coming up with cheers is a torture. I am extremely bad with cheers and we were called to come up with at least three cheers. I cracked my brain so many times and i am happy to say that i came out with two cheers that the freshies are really confident in and co-written the next two cheers.

Now let me jump right into the camp.

I entered the camp on the 14th of April. It was day 0. Some of us were late, hence, the main comm made us do 30 pushups. Then, we went on to prepare our performances. I wanted to join my close friend’s group; they were doing rick roll and it looked fun. Instead, i went to the swag team. Everyone’s dance were messy and it was going nowhere. We struggled and struggled until we decided on Big Bang’s Fantastic Baby. However, it was still bad, but we stopped practicing for we ran out of time. We then had a few minutes to buy sweets for our freshies then we came back to do up our identities. That night, we had a debrief that dragged out to 12+.

First day. Well, i was extremely excited. I was talking a lot of crap to the freshies. I spent a lot of time memorizing my freshies’ names. So i was really high, i was this slapstick guy. At first, things were still fine, but after lunch, i got really discouraged and tired. They were still not bonded and was complaining about the programs. I guess they were tired. After all, every single station calls them to give a cheer. We even had cheer battles. It was this point when i felt really insecure. All the other district’s cheers were longer than our’s and they were louder too.
I really don’t know what to do. I tried and tried to fill up awkward silences with my voice, but nothing seems to work.

We then had a meeting with the lecturers over dinner. So i handled the DE school. Well, i felt that it was easier to talk to them, it feels better to speak to people you haven’t put in effort to love than to speak to people you tried to love over and over again.

Then came the night walk. The main comm had a problem with location and they had a huge delay. So the first group that went through the night walk went at around 11. I sent my freshies  back to the loft at 12. They were complaining and it annoys me. They had no idea how much effort was put in so that they could enjoy the camp. Well, i made a new friend in the process of bringing them back. That’s great.

I then stayed at the block 50 lecture theater to facilitate stuff. I didn’t do much, the most rewarding one was that i comforted a freshie who was so scared, she cried. I have her high fives and talked about anime and dramas that we watched. I am hard that her mind is off the walk. I slept really late on the first day.

Second day passed by really fast. Six games were enough for the whole day. Something amazing happened, the whole group came together to plan the performance. I was trying so hard to see that the thing that i need to do is to take one step back and let them do the talking.

They then were pretty surprised that the “nightwalk” was actually a hop night. I concluded that i do not like clubs. Though i had fun dancing around, i find more pleasure serving those not dancing.

The group crossbunked to talk, Geneva led a great Eye Candy chat. The group came together once again.

On the last day, we played some wet games and it was shoik! The GLs came together to do final preparation for the performance yesterday, thinking that we will perform yesterday. This was when everything came in place and we managed to do decent dance! Fantastic Baby! 🙂

I will miss the people so much. The crazy GLs that does stupid dances. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. I find it amazing that the GLs can simply come together and we will be able to dance together.

You know we have been comparing GLs and Crew since the bringing of the registration. At times, we will think that GLs are better than crews. Of course that isn’t true. During the camp itself the Crews looked like they are really enjoying themselves. Some of us remarked that Crews seems more fun than being a GL.

I thought about it and realised why. Crews have been doing the same thing from bonding camp until the camp itself while the GLs have another point of view. From the bonding camp, we were freshies, playing. In the camp itself, we were GLs, leading a group of 15 people. We invest emotionally to 15 people while they become station masters of each game.

I noted a difference in reaction to the end of camp. We GLs, were extremely down because the freshies were gone while the Crews were delighted that the camp was over. Of course i am delighted that it is over, but i invested emotionally to 10 guys and 5 girls, i am down that they are gone.

This camp has stretched me really hard. I feel like i have just took on a role that i couldn’t have without God.

Why i felt like crying was because i felt regret about doing not being able to get the group together. Yet, i realised that the thing i needed to do was to take a step back and see what is going on.

Just an update, i just received something i have been waiting for for months. Now i am scared of taking the next step, Lord be with me.

-Kelvin-

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=66= Melancholic Reflections: PFP District Camp

I want to cry. I walked out of the familiar place with a heavy heart. I held my hand out and spoke words like i normally do, but nothing has yet lighten my burden. All i could do is walk and say “Thank You God”.

I am on the bus home from my PFP camp. I am extremely depressed. I don’t want this to end. I want this friendship. I want this sense of unity.

I signed up to be a GL for this camp when my classmates posted the link on whatsapp. I really wanted to do it for it sounds really fun to lead a group of freshies and to make new friends. I was scared though. Especially when they texted me to say that i have an interview. I guess i could say that my interview went well; i became an official GL!

Only one word can describe my first outing together with the GLs, AWKWARD. For many of them came from their individual classes, they would talk to only those of their class. I would often cry out to God because of this awkwardness. However, there were people who tried their best to know me and i give thanks for that. This awkwardness did not fade away until the bonding camp.

Well, the bonding camp was simple. We come, we play games that the freshies are gonna play. Yet, even simple things can bond a group together. We came together so many times. My favourite was the guys coming together to eat maggi meethen we gathered at the girls’ loft to bond and discuss some things.

I did not turn up for any more meetings after that. Not because i am lazy, but because i went overseas. Then, i met together with Gen to do up our identities! I guess we got slightly closer. Geneva is quite an inverted person who thinks a lot before she does anything. I am the same. You may think, “Hey, that is great!”, but you have to consider that when both leaders come together, we spent most of our time, thinking. We often have awkward pauses while discussing.

Coming up with cheers is a torture. I am extremely bad with cheers and we were called to come up with at least three cheers. I cracked my brain so many times and i am happy to say that i came out with two cheers that the freshies are really confident in and co-written the next two cheers.

Now let me jump right into the camp.

I entered the camp on the 14th of April. It was day 0. Some of us were late, hence, the main comm made us do 30 pushups. Then, we went on to prepare our performances. I wanted to join my close friend’s group; they were doing rick roll and it looked fun. Instead, i went to the swag team. Everyone’s dance were messy and it was going nowhere. We struggled and struggled until we decided on Big Bang’s Fantastic Baby. However, it was still bad, but we stopped practicing for we ran out of time. We then had a few minutes to buy sweets for our freshies then we came back to do up our identities. That night, we had a debrief that dragged out to 12+.

First day. Well, i was extremely excited. I was talking a lot of crap to the freshies. I spent a lot of time memorizing my freshies’ names. So i was really high, i was this slapstick guy. At first, things were still fine, but after lunch, i got really discouraged and tired. They were still not bonded and was complaining about the programs. I guess they were tired. After all, every single station calls them to give a cheer. We even had cheer battles. It was this point when i felt really insecure. All the other district’s cheers were longer than our’s and they were louder too.
I really don’t know what to do. I tried and tried to fill up awkward silences with my voice, but nothing seems to work.

We then had a meeting with the lecturers over dinner. So i handled the DE school. Well, i felt that it was easier to talk to them, it feels better to speak to people you haven’t put in effort to love than to speak to people you tried to love over and over again.

Then came the night walk. The main comm had a problem with location and they had a huge delay. So the first group that went through the night walk went at around 11. I sent my freshies  back to the loft at 12. They were complaining and it annoys me. They had no idea how much effort was put in so that they could enjoy the camp. Well, i made a new friend in the process of bringing them back. That’s great.

I then stayed at the block 50 lecture theater to facilitate stuff. I didn’t do much, the most rewarding one was that i comforted a freshie who was so scared, she cried. I have her high fives and talked about anime and dramas that we watched. I am hard that her mind is off the walk. I slept really late on the first day.

Second day passed by really fast. Six games were enough for the whole day. Something amazing happened, the whole group came together to plan the performance. I was trying so hard to see that the thing that i need to do is to take one step back and let them do the talking.

They then were pretty surprised that the “nightwalk” was actually a hop night. I concluded that i do not like clubs. Though i had fun dancing around, i find more pleasure serving those not dancing.

The group crossbunked to talk, Geneva led a great Eye Candy chat. The group came together once again.

On the last day, we played some wet games and it was shoik! The GLs came together to do final preparation for the performance yesterday, thinking that we will perform yesterday. This was when everything came in place and we managed to do decent dance! Fantastic Baby! 🙂

I will miss the people so much. The crazy GLs that does stupid dances. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. I find it amazing that the GLs can simply come together and we will be able to dance together.

You know we have been comparing GLs and Crew since the bringing of the registration. At times, we will think that GLs are better than crews. Of course that isn’t true. During the camp itself the Crews looked like they are really enjoying themselves. Some of us remarked that Crews seems more fun than being a GL.

I thought about it and realised why. Crews have been doing the same thing from bonding camp until the camp itself while the GLs have another point of view. From the bonding camp, we were freshies, playing. In the camp itself, we were GLs, leading a group of 15 people. We invest emotionally to 15 people while they become station masters of each game.

I noted a difference in reaction to the end of camp. We GLs, were extremely down because the freshies were gone while the Crews were delighted that the camp was over. Of course i am delighted that it is over, but i invested emotionally to 10 guys and 5 girls, i am down that they are gone.

This camp has stretched me really hard. I feel like i have just took on a role that i couldn’t have without God.

Why i felt like crying was because i felt regret about doing not being able to get the group together. Yet, i realised that the thing i needed to do was to take a step back and see what is going on.

Just an update, i just received something i have been waiting for for months. Now i am scared of taking the next step, Lord be with me.

-Kelvin-

=65= Melancholic Reflections: PFP camp day 1

Never in my life have i experience so much in a camp.

Just today, yesterday rather, i started out the first day of the PFP camp as a GL, a first for me!

I was excited and quite truthfully, i tried my best. I tried my best to fill up the awkward silence. I tried my best to help them know each other. I tried my best. I did.

Yet, i am not satisfied at all. The freshies are still not responsive. They complain to so much and their ungratefulness urks me.

Now, i am typing in 1 in the morning and i am extremely unhappy. Well, i tried my best to be crazy, to act a fool so that they would be together. I played every game that we tried, they responded for a while and they got bored. When i tried cheers with them, they are not responding at all! I feel so inferior when others cheer for our cheers are short. I was thinking if i should have made the cheers longer.

I learnt the amazing power of cooperation. I always observed that whenever T06 or the GLs come together, when they have free time, they would find something to do and they will have fun! This time round, without any bond of any sort, they did not enjoy any game for more than 3 rounds.

Ungratefulness. I can’t stand it. “When is dinner?” “i can’t people who can’t plan properly”. Think before you say anything can a not? The Main Comm, sweat blood out for the camp. They sacrificed so much time and effort to get the camp together. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get a camp together? Food, Logistics, Games, Interviews and training for GLs and Crew. I can only speak from the GL perspective, but even GLs put in so much effort for it. Just how much work did we put in to come up with Cheers, to buy identities, to prepare it and all. If you are so good, why not you do it yourself?

I am sorry, just me venting my anger.

-Kelvin-

=64= Worship on/off stage: Unworthy

I just came back from the best set i have ever played so far. Everyone commented that i improved a lot. I received “you are doing really well” from Sis Sam, i wasn’t expecting that at all!

Yet, i felt so unworthy. On Wednesday, the day of the rehearsals, i sinned against God. That day, once i got out of it, i went for a swim, God told me, “try to walk from one end of the pool to the other without your eyes”. When i did, i struggled to get back to my starting point. In my heart i know that God has already died for my sin. I really don’t want to hear what the spirit has to say, for i know what it would say.

“You have sinned against the Father, repent of your sin.” This statement is still ok for me, its the next few. “Let’s try again! :)” “You are clean!” “I will stay with you” “I still love you! Nothing you do will make me hate you!”

I feel so unworthy to accept this love that has saved me. Why have i grieved the Spirit who loves me so much?

Yet, God still blessed me with great worship. I managed to play well for rehearsal on Wednesday and gotten compliments from Sis Sam and Charis!

I had the chance to go for the Jesus Culture concert. I had the chance to be part of the congregation who knows how to worship in spirit! There were so many portions for free worship! I was thoroughly immersed with God’s presence!

Then today, my worship leader broke down. She was really tired. I felt so useless. I have no idea how to comfort my worship leader. She has always comforted me and now in return, i don’t know what to do. She took a walk and returned with a renewed spirit. Worship was awesome! I was able to pull out some really nice fills in consuming fire!

During altar call, i saw a friend who i haven’t been coming to church. I saw her after the dance recital and really wanted to talk to her, just to have a chat, to understand why she hasn’t been coming. So after altar call, i just went up to her and talked to her. First thing i noticed, she was no longer as cheerful as before. The contrast was really sad. So i just chatted with her. I am glad to be able to talk to her, she looked really lonely. This is just my speculation, she might not be lonely. Well, i hope that me going up and talk to her would have made her day better. I know when someone invest in me like this, it would.

I am always very aware(weary rather) of what people think. I am cautious not to talk with a girl like that, but i think talking to her today would be more important than my pride. Haha, i got nothing to lose and i got to talk with a pretty girl.

I am very careful when it comes to giving girls compliments and calling a girl pretty. Not because i do not notice the beauty them, rather, i want the words i use to have meaning. When you overuse a word, the word loses meaning. When you use the word “love” like the word “like”, “like” would have more power than “love” because you use it less often. It results in the word being more “sacred”.

When i call her pretty, it doesn’t mean that she is the only pretty one. It doesn’t mean that i like her. I am simply stating a fact. She has attractive facial features. Just because i never say that you are pretty doesn’t mean that i don’t find you ugly. I just don’t have the chance. I might sometimes say stuff on my blog, so read it if you wanna see! 😛

The day ended with me buying tau huay. I noticed the uncle was limping, so i asked if he injured himself. He smiled at me saying, “No i am not injured, my leg is fake” he smiled but his eyes showed his pain. Once again, reminded me of how useless i was. I have no idea how to continue the conversation.

This week has been great, thank you God for being so faithful to me! Thank you for blessing this unworthy man.

-Kelvin-

=63= Melancholic Reflections: Jesus Culture

I just returned from Jesus Culture’s one night in Singapore.

Wow! The congregation were all hyped up and singing really loud. Worship was amazing. Most of the songs weren’t really easy to catch, i had to listen for a while before singing. Yet, God’s presence was so strong.

Overall, i really enjoyed myself. I was able to worship God with my parents. Well, i was unhappy with a few things though. The strobe lights, they were extremely distracting. So many times i wanted to read the lyrics of the song, but the lights blinded my vision. The drum solo at the back. Ok, this is the worship leader in me talking. Just this week, Sis Ga decided against doing a bridge of a song because the glory would fall on ourselves rather than God. It would distract our worship for Him. Though i really enjoyed the drum solo, i was thinking to myself, should they have put a drum solo in worship? Have they turned it into a performance and not praise? I am not going to answer that, but Josh Fisher(the drummer) was awesome!

I loved the spaces for free worship, when they just called us to sing a new song unto God. I was quite lost, but God reminded me of a few things that happened to me. And i just sang. Lifted my voice, putting aside the fact that my parents are beside me and sang.

The speaker was really funny and real too. He said that we were there today because there was this stiring in our hearts. He gave a hide and seek analogy to show how God works.

Everyone on stage seems spirit led. Won’t you lead us into worship Lord?

-Kelvin-

=62= Melancholic Reflections: Routine

Back in sunday school, our sunday school teachers gave us a set of questions to ask ourselves, so that we will know more about ourselves. I remembered one of them is “Which one do you prefer, routine or variety?”. I answered “Routine”.

I remembered i was the only one in that class who answered “Routine”. Everyone else answered “Variety” and this affected me quite a bit. I began to think what others would think about me. Would they think that i am boring? Subconsciously, i became weary of that word.Is liking routine really that bad?

I am a person who is extremely particular about the things i use. I used the same drumsticks after trying out a few. I used the same pens(Typo) until the model were no longer available and i tried a few other pens and settled for the G-Tec-0.4. I used a Muji Pen case until it spoilt and i bought another one to replace it. My outfits are all settled, I wear the same t-shirts with the same bermudas every weekday, just changing the order i wear them.

I am obsessed with the perfect schedule. I have a general idea of my week. For now, my free days are Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Wednesdays are reserved for tuition in the morning and J333 and rehearsals at night. Alternate fridays are for cell. Saturday is rest day or playing for service. Sunday is for cell and service, lunch for my family or cell/friends.

Thinking now, i really like a routine. I love to have a time for everything. Having this routine doesn’t mean that my life is boring at all! In fact, i love my schedule! I have time to swim on the free days, i have time to play drums. I have time to meet up with my friends. I have time to serve God. Even though it is a routine, my life has a lot of variety! I do not just play the same songs. I do not meet up with the same people. Everyday is a different day!

When it comes to pencils, i tried many pencils until i got satisfied with my Graphgear 1000. Since then, i would not use any other pencils. My life was set into a routine because i was satisfied. Should that be my attitude? Should i try every pencil on the market until i get the pencil i like most? That sounds really self absorbed and i doubt i will get satisfied. I will try the best pencil and want something more. I probably would build my own pencil.

It is when you try something really good that the others fall short. When i first started out playing drums, i thought i was pretty good. Now the forth year of my drumming, i look back and realise how bad i was. Should i try everything and come back to realise that what i had was the best?

Of course, i am digressing. Routines are necessary. I have to continue to practice drums to think about it, if not i will forget how to play. I have to continue to do QT, to continue to go to church, if not i will forget the amazing  grace that God has shown.

There will come a point when these routines would be broken, it will be painful and i will have to find some other things to do to fill up that time. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be too painful. One routine broke and i had to continue living, so i stopped wallowing in self pity and continued to do what i was called to do without the support of that routine. That routine wasn’t boring at all. It was intriguing. Different everyday. I just want part of it to come back.

I believe that Routines are good until they distract you from your goal. Never lose sight of who you serve.

-Kelvin-

=61= Unclassified: Drum Equipment

Ok, i am guilty of constantly dreaming of receiving drum endorsements and getting interview by people of Drum Channel. I have this deep innate desire to be rich and buy lots of equipment and give reviews, but of course, this dream is virtually impossible to achieve. Not being able to afford these equipment doesn’t mean i can’t want them! So these are a list of stuff that i want!

 

Drums:
Mapex Retrosonic Drum Kit – This limited edition drum kit is made out of walnut wood, making this really expensive to build!

Mapex Meridian Black The Raven – Hybrid between maple and birch, with inner furnish

Mapex Saturn IV – Top of the line Mapex drums!

Ludwig Legacy – This drum set has a really cool 3 ply configuration.

Sonor 27 ply snare drum – 27 plies!!! Just think how heavy this drum would be! To top it off, Jojo Mayer played this snare!

DW Collecter Series snare – Well, it is DW…

Pearl Chad Smith Signature – Chad Smith is my favourite drummer

I want them in die cast hoops!

I dream of having a hybrid of walnut and cherry black panther snare drum!

 

Cymbals:
Zildjian Constantinople – I used these before, they are amazing!

Zildjian K Dark Series/Brilliant – Modern Dark sound that sounds amazing too!

Paiste Formula 602 Modern Essentials – They look and sound amazing in the videos!

Meinl Vintage Sand Series – Benny Greb uses these!

Sabian HHX Series – Well, Chad Smith uses Sabian, but i like darker cymbal sounds

 

Pedals:
Sonor Jojo Mayer Pefect Balance pedal – Looked super cool!

Tama Iron Cobra/Speed Cobra – My steward uses this!

Mapex Falcon – It looks and feel great!

I want a hi-hat pedal that feels like a bass drum pedal!

 

Sticks:
Vater Fusion – These sticks are great!

 

Drum Heads:
Evans Drumheads! – The Level 360 technology is amazing!

Just a man struggling to live a God led life in a God strayed world