I sometimes wonder, is it because i am too conservative? Or is it because of the people around me that i am so lonely?
I noticed it in school. I realised that through all the drama, i did not even see a bit of it. I kept living in my own world. Is being determined to get good results really such a put off?
I noticed it in church as well, in the span of just one year, how many relationships have i lost? My pillars of support just topples down one by one.
I want good results. Hence, I devote most of my time into investing into school work and ministry. Results did come back. They are good. Slightly better than most people. Yet, i suspect i am getting prideful in my work. Maybe it is my pride that is pushing people away.
I am always in conflict. Should i approach a group of people that has been together for a while and try to join them? Or should i wait for a group to include me? The first seems thick-skinned and annoying, having experienced it once. The second seems selfish and lazy.
Ironically, when everyone is uncomfortable, i am comfortable in being the silly guy and try to make friends. When i am the only one uncomfortable, i am awkward and i do not know what to say. The only thing i can think of is to be as real and honest as possible. Laugh awkwardly to reduce awkwardness.
Funny thing is that i always return to one answer. Love. Yet, i noticed that love is something easy to do in a group but difficult to do as one person. I am not talking about loving people in the group i am talking about loving people out of the group. A group of people, being together for so long, received so much love from their peers, they have the ability and comfort to love people outside of the group, to give. Yet, i have seen people that doesn’t want to step out of their comfort zones. They seem to think loving others will result in others spoiling their relationship with them. To a certain point, i do agree. The relationship will never be the same, but it will never be the same if you let it stay the way it is(ironic isn’t it?).
A relationship takes effort to sustain. Why then are some relationships easier to sustain than others? I drew down to a conclusion. How much you are receiving from a person. Have you ever witnessed a person who falls in love with someone because they are touched by what was done for them? Yet, i am also aware how annoying it can be when you do not like someone and that someone likes you and do a lot for you.
Why then? I gave my attention to character. I have a friend which i really dislike. He speaks necessarily. He always thinks he is right. Loves to argue. I look at him and i ask God, how am i supposed to love him? I look at his character(not personality) with disgust.
The reason why i put it is not personality because personality is more superficial. For example i would describe one’s personality by who he is, for example, “caring”. I would describe one’s character by what he does, for example, “loving”. So when someone is funny, ask why is he funny. I know of someone who makes jokes on the fly because he is nervous and afraid.
I see what he does. He thinks he is always right. He seems to feel superior to others by doing what others can’t. He gets satisfaction with winning arguments. Of which some are started by him.
People love peace. No one believes that war is good. Though we can see the good qualities that wars produces(perseverance, loyalty, camaraderie), no one in their right mind would start a war just to produce such qualities. These qualities are the by-product of war, one should never use war as a means to produce such qualities. No one should start a war just to feel superior. If country A defeats country B, they would rejoice over what they have won(territory, resources), and not because they have won a difficult war. If they are fighting to feel superior what they have won becomes useless and the war is for nothing. One might as well, play chess for that feeling.
Pride repels everyone. Including other people with great pride. You know what i mean. When two people in a class have conflict over something, they would stop talking to each other. Pride would often prevent one to apologize to the other party. The individuals are then hurt further by their friends unwillingness to apologize. They assume that their friendship do not matter to the other party than it does to themselves. The sad thing is that most of the time their friendship do matter to them, they just can’t get over their pride. I believe when one apologize the other party will too.
So what is that quality that they need to get? Humility. The willingness to admit that you are not always right. The willingness to serve. The willingness to copy Jesus, who is God but came down to earth to become nothing.
Philippians 2:1-11 NIV
Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Pride rejects, Humility accepts.