=53= Words of Melancholy: The Cost

I finally found a good title for all my ranting. Unclassified sounds cool, but not classified…

Something can end really suddenly. Just like life, you never know when you are going to die. Death cuts off any connection to the person. For that reason, i am really grateful that you are alive.

As long as you are breathing i have a hope of reconciliation. Hope that i’ll hold on to. Though the present is ripping me away, my arm will hold on to that branch, when it finally rips my hand off, skin cells will stay on the branch. It is funny, i have seen it work once, not only did it return to original, it improved, why do i have such doubts now?

I believe it is because i am no longer given the luxury of seeing you everyday. You are alive, but far, how am i supposed to approach someone that distances away from me?

Is nothing really better than to enjoy my work? It is my lot, but is nothing better than that? I don’t dare to say that i rather i invest in relationships rather than work, for i have gained so much.

Yet, i have lost much. How is someone supposed to gain back what he has lost?

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By searching hard.

What if i can’t find it?

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Make a report.

What if a report doesn’t help?

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You have lost it, time to get it replaced.

I dare not use this analogy for human relationships for humans are not things, they are made in God’s Image, with life breathed in them. Yet, i stumble at the first step. The last step is easy, yet, might cost more. The first step is tough, but you add value to the lost. The second step takes faith.

Do i have it?

-Kelvin-

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=52= Words of Melancholy: Humility

I sometimes wonder, is it because i am too conservative? Or is it because of the people around me that i am so lonely?

I noticed it in school. I realised that through all the drama, i did not even see a bit of it. I kept living in my own world. Is being determined to get good results really such a put off?

I noticed it in church as well, in the span of just one year, how many relationships have i lost? My pillars of support just topples down one by one.

I want good results. Hence, I devote most of my time into investing into school work and ministry. Results did come back. They are good. Slightly better than most people. Yet, i suspect i am getting prideful in my work. Maybe it is my pride that is pushing people away.

I am always in conflict. Should i approach a group of people that has been together for a while and try to join them? Or should i wait for a group to include me? The first seems thick-skinned and annoying, having experienced it once. The second seems selfish and lazy.

Ironically, when everyone is uncomfortable, i am comfortable in being the silly guy and try to make friends. When i am the only one uncomfortable, i am awkward and i do not know what to say. The only thing i can think of is to be as real and honest as possible. Laugh awkwardly to reduce awkwardness.

Funny thing is that i always return to one answer. Love. Yet, i noticed that love is something easy to do in a group but difficult to do as one person. I am not talking about loving people in the group i am talking about loving people out of the group. A group of people, being together for so long, received so much love from their peers, they have the ability and comfort to love people outside of the group, to give. Yet, i have seen people that doesn’t want to step out of their comfort zones. They seem to think loving others will result in others spoiling their relationship with them. To a certain point, i do agree. The relationship will never be the same, but it will never be the same if you let it stay the way it is(ironic isn’t it?).

A relationship takes effort to sustain. Why then are some relationships easier to sustain than others? I drew down to a conclusion. How much you are receiving from a person. Have you ever witnessed a person who falls in love with someone because they are touched by what was done for them? Yet, i am also aware how annoying it can be when you do not like someone and that someone likes you and do a lot for you.

Why then? I gave my attention to character. I have a friend which i really dislike. He speaks necessarily. He always thinks he is right. Loves to argue. I look at him and i ask God, how am i supposed to love him? I look at his character(not personality) with disgust.

The reason why i put it is not personality because personality is more superficial. For example i would describe one’s personality by who he is, for example, “caring”. I would describe one’s character by what he does, for example, “loving”. So when someone is funny, ask why is he funny. I know of someone who makes jokes on the fly because he is nervous and afraid.

I see what he does. He thinks he is always right. He seems to feel superior to others by doing what others can’t. He gets satisfaction with winning arguments. Of which some are started by him.

People love peace. No one believes that war is good. Though we can see the good qualities that wars produces(perseverance, loyalty, camaraderie), no one in their right mind would start a war just to produce such qualities. These qualities are the by-product of war, one should never use war as a means to produce such qualities. No one should start a war just to feel superior. If country A defeats country B, they would rejoice over what they have won(territory, resources), and not because they have won a difficult war. If they are fighting to feel superior what they have won becomes useless and the war is for nothing. One might as well, play chess for that feeling.

Pride repels everyone. Including other people with great pride. You know what i mean. When two people in a class have conflict over something, they would stop talking to each other. Pride would often prevent one to apologize to the other party. The individuals are then hurt further by their friends unwillingness to apologize. They assume that their friendship do not matter to the other party than it does to themselves. The sad thing is that most of the time their friendship do matter to them, they just can’t get over their pride. I believe when one apologize the other party will too.

So what is that quality that they need to get? Humility. The willingness to admit that you are not always right. The willingness to serve. The willingness to copy Jesus, who is God but came down to earth to become nothing.

Philippians 2:1-11 NIV

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.   In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:   Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;   rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.   And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!   Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,   that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,   and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Pride rejects, Humility accepts.

-Kelvin-

=51= Melancholic Reflections: Women of God

Last night, i couldn’t sleep at all. My train of thought stopped at the topic of admiration once again. Today, i want to write about something rare, the female leaders that i admire.

Sis Elsa. Truthfully, i never would ask for someone else(or elsa for that matter) to be my regional leader. I admire how Sis Elsa know the Bible it so well. One just need to see her meticulously highlighted Bible to see how much Sis Elsa loves reading God’s word. She has a great sense of humour and nice laughter. It is always nice to see her laugh at my super lame jokes! Not only that, she puts in effort to listen and when she shares and teaches, she is real. She shares her struggles. She is a human as well. She is amazing no matter what she thinks of herself. Quite truthfully, i find her really attractive! She is a great woman of God, she is real and sincere, she takes initiative, she is funny and she cares. What is there not to like?

Sis Ga. My awesome worship leader that has such faith in me. She has been so encouraging whenever i improved and whenever i struggled with something(both musically and spiritually). She cares. She would be sensitive. She would look out for me. She would take initiative to ask if i was alright. She gives me compliments. She is firm to teach me. She would correct me. Make me aware of my speech problems. She is cute as well! She is one of the few who would actually read out loudly when the pastor tells us to read a passage out loud. She would jump up and down when she likes something. I also admire that she can sing so well! Once again, she is a great woman of God, she is initiative, she cares, she corrects and she sings! What is there not to like?

Deb. Not many know this, Deb was one of my first few leaders. I did not really admire her back when i was in COOL 2010. I thought Aaron was the amazing one(I still think so). However, into the second year of my cell leading, 3 years after she took me as a cell kid. I MISS HER A LOT… 😦 Deb, firstly were the few people that actually replied when i send out prayer requests. She would take an extra step to ask how can she pray for me. She would be honest to me if she did not pray for me. Who would actually be so honest to admit that? I think i would have just gotten credit, but she did not. I admire her amazing integrity. Not only that she makes teaching look effortless, a feat that all the COOL leaders that took me could do(Aaron, Bryan and Agnes that’s you!).

Sis Andrea. I really don’t know how i grew to admire her. I think it is after retreat preparations that we grew closer. Well, she is also very real and sincere. She is very funny with her OCD-ness and things that she does. She always seem to share a huge part of her life to me(something that always make me feel guilty towards female leaders that tries to talk to me, i tend to be introverted and not share as much, so sorry). I also notice spiritual authority when she speaks. It stood out during her speech when she left youth.

That is more or less it. It sounds like i am trying to promote my female leaders, yet seriously, they are all beautiful women that i admire. The guys that would win their hearts, you are one lucky guy(to every guy/i am aware of the singular usage of guy). These woman are not only attractive, they are wonderful women of God that would impact your spiritual walk as much and more than how they have impacted mine!

-Kelvin-

=50= Comfort Songs: Yesterdays

Yesterdays by Switchfoot

Flowers cut and brought inside
Black cars in a single line
Your family in suits and ties
And you’re free

The ache I feel inside
Is where the life has left your eyes
I’m alone for our last goodbye
But you’re free

I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
I still can’t believe you’re gone, oh…
I remember you like yesterday, yesterday
And until I’m with you, I’ll carry on

Adrift on your ocean floor
I feel weightless, numb, and sore
A part of you in me is torn
And you’re free

I woke from a dream last night
I dreamt that you were by my side
Reminding me I still had life
In me

I’ll carry on

Every lament is a love song
Yesterday, yesterday
I still can’t believe you’re gone
So long my friend, so long

Its exactly two months. Pain. Sadness. Memories haunts me. Well, This song seems to be directed to a friend who is dead, but it expresses my pain so well. Its over. A part of you in me is gone and you are free. I still can’t believe you are gone. Until i see you, I’ll carry on.

=49= T06/P1Y3

The last day of school just ended. I am sitting(Jo) in a bus home and i am feeling something that i never felt on my last day of school of secondary school. Sadness. I guess it was mainly because that i was glad that N levels was over.

I could never ask for a better class. I could never ask for a better group of friends to grow up with. It have only been less than a year, but it felt like i have been spending forever with them. I will use a word that i seldom use. I LOVE them. From the loud guys who played soccer to the funny girls that likes k-pop. I have never been so close to a class before and i am really proud to be in it. This class had travelled through sooooo much. Ups and downs. Joy and tears. This class has totally loved me and accepted me despite my weird quirks.

On our first day, i sat at the back with Jo because she was the only other person i knew, apart from Dan and Raphael(which i have no idea where you are sitting), from orientation. We were so awkward introducing ourselves to each other saying what our secondary school is. We were stressed because on our first math lesson, we were already given our first project. After math lesson, i was almost certain that i will spend most of my time with my orientation mates rather than my class. The next day i was really surprised. We went out as an entire class to eat. That was just the start to everything.

I remember when the whatsapp group was first created, you guys were sending really disturbing stuff. After seeing these stuff, i made a stupid decision to exit the group. My class, being so awesome, still accepted me. I asked Wei Jie to add me back into the group and my class toned down for me! Am i glad to be back in the group.

I reminisce over the lunches we had over at grandstand. Those times were simple and really fun! We had impromptu games like dodgeball, volleyball, ice and water, poison, etc etc. We had lunch and it was so fun just playing. Playing seems to be part of our class. I had so much fun playing with you guys! SO many games from primary school was being played. Snapjack, Heart Attack, Hand guessing game, I have never, werewolf just to name a few. We never stopped playing and i am extremely thankful for that!

We had our drama, we had our pain, yet i never thought any of those weren’t worth it. We went through a whole year together and i am really grateful that at the end of it we could still come together and have fun! Let me now thank each and everyone of you personally and group-ly.

Well, the first two good friends i made were Dinah and Zeng Hui. We are the Weird Trio being seat mates for the first semester. Its funny because i did not plan to sit where i sat. I did not like to sit at the back because its too far back and i will definitely be distracted. I wanted to sit at the front because i believe i would be more focused, but both front rows were taken so i was pushed back to sit with Dinah and Zeng Hui. Though it wasn’t planned, we got really close to each other and i am really thankful. I really enjoyed working with you guys, haha and a memorable ‘CONSEQUENCES’! Thank you for bearing with my weirdness and embracing it!

I mentioned my first project. It was a HUGE project. we were called EXODUS just because i suggested the name and it sounds great! Well, we had our struggles and arguments but i really thought we did well! We looked classy too, with our black shirt and long pants! Brandon, Jirel and Raphael thank you.

I had an awesome partner to work with, Soon Keong. Bro, you are really a joy to work with! I find it so hard to do projects sometimes, but never with you! Thank you for being there for me, whether is it ITA or ES, i could always count on you! You can play bridge too! so that just adds to your awesomeness.

I have someone to take it and it is so great to have someone that can take it! Wee Geok, thank you for always taking my teasing and sarcasm! Thank you for trusting me so much!

I am glad to have someone to share with, Jordi, you are such a friendly guy everyone gravitates towards you! I enjoyed all the one to one HTHT we had.

To the bridge players. Thank you for making bridge so enjoyable. To have played soooooooooooooooo many rounds of bridge and not get sick of it is something i never thought will happen, but you guys did! Yi Ling, Jia Lei, Grace, Wee Geok, Soon Keong and Dan. Thank you! 🙂

Yih Chyuan thank you so much for being so encouraging during soccer! You are a fun guy!

To those whom i did not list, i am still thankful to you guys! 😀 Well, To year 1 we go! Jiayou!

-Kelvin-

=48= Words of Melancholy: Pillar

It no longer stings
Is that good?

I stopped trying
Is that good?

I sigh less
Is that good?

Well, nothing i say or do will make a difference now
I am depressed
I am pissed

Well, i hate that something so huge can be removed with a flick of a finger
I hate that this pillar is knocked away so easily
Isn’t knocking down one pillar enough?
Why must you knock both down?

I love
Yet, i don’t get any response, how do you want me to react?
Know what?
I am lonely

I want another pillar
I want another pillar
No, i want back the same pillar
I want back the same pillar
I want it fixed
I want it fixed
No, i want something that will stay
I want something that will stay
I want something that will stay

Funny thing is you give me one huge pillar already
Yet, it is so difficult to put my faith into only one pillar

I envision me with my back against this pillar
Scared
Lonely
Tired
Paranoid

Yet this pillar holds
This pillar stands
This pillar protects
This pillar brings comfort
This pillar satisfies

You have given me two straight weeks where i could administer to my sheep.
You have allowed me to be a better person.
A better friend.

I wonder how
How can i live a life with only one pillar?
I am scared Lord
I am scared Father

Why did you ask Peter three times not two?
False hope
False strength
False support

6 months.

I am tired already

=47= Page Replacement: Order of Things

The Order of Things in our everyday lives are very important. People just don’t realise it. Having the right time for the right thing is extremely important! As Joshua Harris says, “The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing”.

Haha, well, I have gotten the inspiration to write this page in the bathroom. I was thinking about a few things. Just imagine how bad it would be if the order of things is wrong.

  • If the end result comes before hard work, no one needs to work hard, there won’t be any growth for Character.
  • If a Job comes before education, everyone will have no idea what to do. Engineers won’t be able to design planes. Architects won’t be able to design buildings.
  • Haha, if University comes before primary education, no one will understand a word during lectures
  • if success comes before failure, one will be arrogant and stop working hard.
  • if sex comes before marriage, it will be superficial and even marriage wouldn’t satisfy.
  • If eternal life/eternal death comes before Life, We wouldn’t Love God voluntarily.

Understanding that, one should not take right timing likely. It is so important. Well, God is omniscient, he sees beyond time and know what is the best for us. Trusting Him for the right time is something that i have to take time to grow in. Committing to God is something that is really difficult to do. I struggle with it all the time, I am naturally a ‘do-er’ i like to do things, i dislike to wait for the right time. I lack in Patience, i really do. Well, i need to grow in this area and i shall wait for it to develop(ironic isn’t it?).

Well, i need to stop pull back and wait. I really do think that waiting is one of the most horrible things on earth… But it is true that i will grow because of it.  Hope you have been blessed by my page! Continue to press on!

-Kelvin-

Just a man struggling to live a God led life in a God strayed world